They always find me. The weirdos. I guess it's nice to know my magnet is still functioning, though I wish it would pull in more winning scratchers than weirdos.
I was in Country Mart on Friday, getting a jar of dill pickle chips for Hick. I don't know why he likes them. They remind me of the big plastic tub of dill pickle chips sitting on the condiment table in the school cafeteria, waiting to be stabbed with a plastic fork.
Anyhoo... I turned to push my cart down the aisle, and a man was standing at the end, blocking my way, with the help of a support pole. Leaving a space through which no cart could fit. He looked kind of like David Koechner, the actor/comedian from SNL, who played Todd Packer on The Office, and Lainey's dad/Murray's friend Bill on The Goldbergs. He was wearing jeans, and I swear a weird little vest like a fisherman might wear.
This was not my first weirdo rodeo. I did not make eye contact. I stopped my cart, and turned to peruse the selection of pasta across the aisle on my left. Surely that weirdo would come up the aisle and free my escape route. But no. He started to WHISTLE! Some Christmas tune, though it was not the one playing on the store's muzak. It was like a public employee stand-off. Neither one of us was going to move. We were prepared to wait it out.
I cracked. More like my KNEES cracked. I don't stand well. Moving is better. I was NOT going to turn and go an entire aisle-length out of my way. I wheeled my cart/walker toward the Whistling Weirdo. He stopped whistling. Didn't move. Stared at me.
"Excuse me." Still he didn't move. I was trapped like a rat in a weirdo's lair.
"Stuff is so expensive these days."
"Yes. I agree."
"See these biscuits?" He cut his eyes to the two tubes he was holding with both hands, end-to-end, in front of his chest. "They wanted $5.98 for these over at Save A Lot!"
"Huh. I usually find Save A Lot to be cheaper than here. This is the most expensive place I've ever shopped."
I didn't look closely at the biscuits. They might have been tubes of Pillsbury Grands. Or maybe store brand. I've bought both there before. I don't remember the price.
"These are only $3.48!"
"Oh. Well. That's good."
While he was preoccupied by the biscuits, I edged my cart closer, and he stepped aside without realizing it. I made my escape while he stared after me.
I guess I'm lucky Fonzie wasn't there, ramming a cart into mine.
Men can be illiterate in reading social cues. This guy took it further and mean-fully. Jerk. May his cart go rolling down the parking lot, may it crash into a trash dumpster.
ReplyDeleteHe didn't even have a cart! He was just standing there, blocking me, holding two cans of biscuits. Let the record show that I was NOT in a direct line from the biscuit department to the register. He had to go out of his way to find a victim for his weirdness!
DeleteOh no! even with bad knees I would have crept away and gone out of my way to avoid him. (In my mind however I would have rammed him Fonzie style then apologised that I just hadn't seen him there.)
ReplyDeleteHe might have chased me, and I'm too easy to catch! I figured I might as well deal with him head-on. Though not in a collision kind of way. Better to get it over with than have him follow me through the store. Whistling.
DeleteTotally unrelated, I know, but when we were required to wear masks while shopping, I would sometimes whistle odd tunes and watch people look around to try to determine who the whistler was. I would look around, as well. All for my own small pleasures.
ReplyDeleteI hope you weren't carrying biscuits, and blocking the aisle!
DeleteShould have said, SCOOT THE BOOT BUDDY! or sing, Who put the bop in the bop shh bop shh bop, who ourt the ram in the ram adam a ding dong...then ram him with an apology. No nevermind, then someoen might be writing about the singing weirdo at the store. Have a great week.
ReplyDeleteI try to remain as unresponsive as possible during a weirdo encounter. Like not looking a wild animal in the eye. If my joints weren't so creaky, I might lie down and play possum!
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