More Weekend Harem-ing

Monday evening, Hick told me: "I think you was right about them gals at the apartments. One of them called me last night. She said, 'My bedroom door won't close.'"

"Of course! It was the weekend! They always need you on the weekend."

"I told her, 'I'll be there on Wednesday morning.' I don't know what she could have done to it, but it's not an emergency."

"Heh, heh! She wants to get you in her bedroom!"

"I don't think so. Them women are from 50 years old to 88 years old."

"Is this the one who drinks?"

"No. It's the youngest one. She annoys everybody else because she's kind of a busybody. But really, she's good for them, because she checks up on everyone. I need to talk to her anyway. She's got cardboard over her windows, and she's on the front of the building. We can't have that. It makes the building look junky."

"Maybe she's trying to block out the sun. That side faces south. She probably gets sun all day, and it's been so hot."

"She has heavy curtains to block out the sun."

"Maybe she doesn't want anybody seeing you in her bedroom, heh, heh!"

Sometimes I think the Harem is taking that building apart, piece by piece, to find ways to get Hick over there when they are lonely. Like on the weekends.

**********************************************************************

UPDATE

Wednesday evening, Hick hollered to the kitchen to ask if I wanted to hear a funny story. Well, of course! 

"You know that lady who called me about her bedroom door? I went to look at it today. You know why it wouldn't close? There was a shoe caught in it!"

"How is that possible?"

"It was stuck in the jamb, keeping it from closing."

"Couldn't she see it?"

"The shoe was behind the door. But had got caught, and when she tried to close it, the shoe kept it from closing."

"What kind of shoe? How could she not notice?"

"It was some flat slipper shoe."

"What did she say when you told her?"

"Nothing. But it was good that I went anyway, because we had to fix her sink. It had a leak."

Funny how that lady never mentioned a sink leak. I guess that wouldn't achieve her purpose of GETTING HICK INTO HER BEDROOM!

The Manager Looks Forward to an Addition to Her Family; Thevictorians to an Addition to Their Savings

The Credit Union Gal called me back after about an hour, regarding my request for info on getting an additional 1% interest increase on our maturing CD. She started out by saying, 

"Well, I was partially right. I was telling you the requirements for opening a NEW CD."

That was a bit off-putting. It reminded me of the time I was helping an at-risk 8th-grader with her math, and she said I was wrong, and wanted a pass to see her math teacher to verify my wrongness. When she returned, she started off by saying, "ONE of us was right." Which was me, because I am perfectly capable of doing 8th-grade math.

Anyhoo... Credit Union Gal was really polite, so I didn't take issue with her attempt to save face. Even though I am perfectly capable of reading English, and what she said about a new CD STILL wasn't what was written on the credit union website, nor the printed program from the annual dinner.

Credit Union Gal apologized for taking so long to return my call. She said the maternity-leave manager with all the info had been IN A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. At least she wasn't in labor! 

Credit Union Gal said she could cash out our CDs, and open the new ones. There would be no 30-day wait. Just walk in, and she'd do it right then. However... she suggested waiting until Wednesday, because there was a board meeting Tuesday night, and she didn't know if interest rates might increase. So she wanted us to get the best rate possible.

I said what if the interest rate WENT DOWN? Credit Union Gal said she didn't expect it. And not to worry, because she already had permission to give us the current rate, even IF rates went down. Also, she thought she could give us the 1% increase on BOTH CDs. I reminded her that the program stated it was only for ONE certificate. She said she would do both, and if that wasn't allowed, she would make sure the CD with the most money got the increase. Hick says we got it on both last year, so it might be possible.

Anyhoo... I thanked Credit Union Gal for going to the trouble to check on it for me. She even offered to call me on Wednesday morning, to tell me the new interest rate, but I said Hick would be coming in that day anyway, so no need.

I'm really glad I called ahead and got this matter straightened out. Otherwise, Hick would have gone in and been cheated out of our 1% interest increase. Or more likely, have become cantankerous and made a scene. Like that one time, in Pizza Hut... but that's a story for another day. Or never.

While I Don't Begrudge Someone Having a Baby...

The timing is terrible for US! How dare a working woman procreate on OUR TIME!

Thevictorians have two CDs that matured on Sunday. Of course our credit union is not open on Sundays. But we have a 10-day grace period to decide if we roll it over, or do something else. In this case, it's SOMETHING ELSE. That's because we can get a 1% interest rate boost, since Hick attended the annual meeting/dinner. The increase is only for a new CD. It says so right there on the program he has to show to get the boost:

1% New CD Rate Increase

This should be no problem. Last year we did the same thing. All it required was walking in and asking for it. I was smart (you know that, right?) and asked what we needed to do while I was there depositing The Pony's house payment. The teller consulted the manager, who was at a desk behind the window. She said when the maturity date arrived, to come in and they'd do it. 

I called the office on that maturity date, and they said they'd get everything ready, and Hick could just stop by and sign. Easy peasy. I saved him a few minutes of wait by calling.

Well. I tried that Monday morning. The gal I got gave me some misinformation! She told me that the 1% rate increase for the meeting attendance ONLY APPLIED TO NEW MONEY! And that we would have to cash out our CD, and wait 30 days to put it back into a new CD. This is NOT what happened last year. And I was looking at their (terrible) website at the time, reading right off the screen:

TEMPORARY CD SPECIALS

(new money ONLY cannot be used with annual meeting offers)

Which seems to be the direct opposite of what she told me! Besides, once that money is cashed out, it's OURS, right? So who says we can't put OUR money into a new CD? What's with the 30-day wait?

I was polite. I explained how we did this last years. She said that she would check on it for me. That the manager was on maternity leave, but they have access to her. I certainly hope she is not in active labor! But still, how inconsiderate of that manager not to consult us about our CD maturity date before having a little bundle of joy put into her oven!

As I write this, I've been waiting 45 minutes for my call-back. Hopefully there's no case of a 9-day labor. We are rightfully due our 1% interest rate increase. After all, Hick went to eat a free meal once a year. He endured that hardship with good faith!

The local financial world should not come to a standstill because a woman has a baby.

Just Checking

Hick is not allowed access to our checkbook. Before you judge me as controlling, conniving, embezzling, or petty, let's remember that Hick's filing cabinet is the cab of SilverRedO. He is not the most meticulous record-keeper. My method might involve cast-off Save A Lot boxes on the kitchen table, but I know where the documents are "filed." I keep a tight rein on the checks and the checkbook register. They are my chronological "vault" of expenses outlaid on the flip houses.

Hick has been waiting to pay his roofing guy until all finishing touches were completed on the Cheap House roof. Last Sunday, he said he wanted a check, because Roofing Guy was finishing up the next day. I gave Hick a single check. He tucked it in his billfold. That is a problem.

Hick's billfold is like George Costanza's wallet. It is overstuffed, waiting to explode. [George's Exploding Wallet , YouTube 25 seconds] I also think it makes Hick sit sideways, though I do not believe he carries hard candy in it. Hick keeps his billfold closed with a bright red rubber bracelet thingy like was so popular for promoting causes back in the early 2000s. A check is not safe there for long. It comes out with tri-fold bends, and frayed along the top edge.

Every day I asked Hick if he'd given Roofing Guy the check. "No. He was busy with his courier business. Guys didn't show up to work. He'll do it tomorrow." That went on all week. As you might assume, the bills kept coming. I had to write other checks. This one was getting out of order.

Saturday night, I asked Hick for that check.

"Can you give it back to me? I'm going to write out two more bills, and this one is already two behind.  This will make it four. I'll give you another one."

"No! Roofing Guy is coming by my shop tomorrow. He said so. I'll give it to him then."

I hope that check is not too frayed to run through the processing machinery at the bank!

Not All Bandits Have One Arm

Thevictorians went to the casino on Thursday. Only one was victorious. That was Hick, who left with a $400 profit! Part of it came after lunch, on this machine:

Looks like it was a $200 jackpot on a 70 cent bet. Good for Hick! The Pony and I were losers, but not bad losers. We still left with our shirts, but with sleeves ripped off like my lead-mining, hog-raising, hobby-farming grandpa in late July. I lost 1/3 of my casino bankroll, and am not upset. I only take what I'm willing to part with. And last time (in February) I made a good profit. The Pony lost a little less than I did. We all had a good time.

Of course we looked forward to eating lunch there. Even though I consider it a waste of an hour that I could be losing actively gambling on the casino floor. 

Hick had his usual cheeseburger and onion rings.

Pardon his leathery, arthritic hand. And the fact that he couldn't wait until The Pony took a picture to take a bite of the burger, and devour an onion ring.

The Pony had a salad with Cajun Ranch dressing on the side.

That's half my fries that I donated to The Pony. And the unwanted tomatoes from the salad that The Pony donated to me.

I had the grilled chicken sandwich. About which I have a bone to pick!

Here it is, opened up to show the innards. I declined the cheese and lettuce that came with it. So there's tomato and onion and pickles. Plus the remoulade sauce that was just right. You can see a bit on the chicken, and peeping through the holes in the tomato.

Here's the thing. That chicken sandwich is $14. Without the fries or soda. I like the grilled chicken sandwich, and chose it over the fried chicken sandwich, which "only" costs $12. To the best I can figure, the difference is that the grilled chicken sandwich includes bacon. Do you see any bacon on my sandwich??? Nope. So I was charged two extra dollars for bacon I didn't get! Last time, my grilled chicken had two crisscrossed half-slices of bacon. So one actual slice. That cost me two dollars. But was better than getting NO BACON that also cost two dollars.

Not all bandits in a casino have one arm. 

The Way (Back) to a Woman's Heart is Through Her Liver

Hick must have been trying to mend fences back flip-house walls with me on Wednesday at 10:38 a.m. when he sent me a text:

"You want some liver and onions"

"YES!"

"Okay [thumbs up emoji]" (either alone would have been sufficient)

Hick came home with two dinners while I was away at leg therapy. I found them at the bottom of FRIG II when I returned around 3:30.

For once, both containers were the same. No obvious bloated portions for Hick the Cooks' Pet. Looks like those ladies are quite generous with their liver. Also included was a roll, and mashed potatoes. So much for any healthy vegetables this day!

I ate my liver that night. No fava beans, nor nice Chianti. Also no roll, no mashed potatoes, and no gravy. I scraped my gravy/onions onto Hick's liver, and left him the roll/potatoes in my container. I warmed my liver in the oven, and had it with a nice Save A Lot brand ketchup.

I found out later that Hick had eaten his liver lunch. One of his Harem did not want hers, and was not going to take it. But Hick told her to get it, and he'd take it home. So he had originally paid for my lunch and his, but got another one from the Harem gal.

Dessert was lemon merangue pie.

It looked really good. The lemon was brighter in person than in my photo. I can't vouch for the taste, because I gave mine to Hick. 

Anyhoo, this culinary gesture kept Hick out of the dog house for at least a day...

There Shall Be No Siding with Hick

Later Tuesday evening, when Hick seemed sufficiently recovered from his "broken" arm after Old Buddy's ladder/drill faux pas... I asked if he had any more pictures for me from Cheap House.

"No. I sent you some on Monday. There ain't nothin' new to see."

"What about the siding? That's what I've been waiting for. Pictures with the siding on the back of the house, now that the roof is done."

"I already sent them."

"No. It's just the plywood."

"That's SIDING, Val!"

"We've been through this before. It looks like plywood. I mean the white vinyl siding, like the rest of the house. The part you took off the back around the window, and the siding HOS saved from tearing down that back porch bedroom. You said you were going to use that so everything would match."

"There isn't enough. There's no long pieces."

"Even after you said HOS saved it? That was your plan. To put the same siding back on."

"No. This is the kind I'm using. It's SIDING, Val. It even has a name: [BLAH BLAH BLAH] siding."

"It looks terrible and unfinished. Just like you tried to do on Bargain House without any paint or anything."

"Everybody likes it, Val. They tell me it looks good."

"We've been through this before! Of course your friends are going to say it looks good."

"Realtor Guy said so, too!"

"Of course! He wants to be sure you list it with him!"

"Well, he wants to be sure to get the most for his commission, too!"

"Not a single one of 'my people' like this look. It's like unfinished plywood."

"It's SIDING, Val! And yes, that's how I'm leaving it."

"I bet it will take $2000 off the sale price! Because any flipper will know they have to get siding for the back of the house."

"Whatever."

I call shenanigans! All along, Hick has said he was putting that matching siding back on the house. Now all of a sudden, he can't do it. So he went and bought this wood "siding" to cover the back of the house. An expense we don't need, which makes the house look worse! Also, unless Realtor Guy makes a habit of driving the 20 miles from Bill-Paying Town every day to admire Hick's handiwork, I don't think he's been there since the one time Hick told him we wanted to list it with him. The roof wasn't done yet, and for sure the "siding" wasn't on the back of the house.

Once again, I seek your honest opinion on this look...

Old Buddy Drills Hick on the Cheap House Construction Site

Hick came home Tuesday with an injury. He was whiny and petulant that I did not notice. Like a just-engaged woman flashing her left hand around, Hick milled about the kitchen after carrying in three bags of groceries, waving his right arm.

"You ain't gonna say nothin'?"

"About what? I just came in. Let me set down my purse."

"My arm! Don't you see it?"

"Uh. You have a bandaid?"

"The swelling! It's all puffed up! See?"

"Well... maybe. What happened to you?"

"I went to move the ladder we'd been using over at the house, and a DRILL FELL ON ME! It really hurt. I thought it was broke!"

"You should have gone to the emergency room. Like Old Buddy, heh, heh, every time he doesn't feel good."

"It's HIS FAULT! He left the drill on top of the ladder! I've told him a hundred times not to leave things on the ladder! This is what happens. After a half hour, it quit hurting so bad. So I don't need no doctor."

I saw the bandaid. And I guess a few lumps. I almost felt sorry for Hick. Until we started talking about Cheap House a couple hours later.

More to come...

The Latest Entitled Rumpushole

Oh, how I long for the days of a mere Weirdo Magnet. The weirdos are disconcerting, but they don't draw my ire like an entitled rumpushole. That's one magnet I would like to deactivate. It pulled in a new one on Sunday at 11:00 a.m.

I turned into the Backroads Casey's from the side street by Hick's pharmacy. T-Hoe rolled across the front of the store, headed for the lone handicap space at the far end. WHOA! A silver sedan pulled in from the main street, crossed in front of T-Hoe, and slid into my rightful handicap space. Without benefit of a handicap plate or placard. I'm sure that shocks you. Me, not so much.

I parked T-Hoe on the right side of that silver sedan. It's not an official parking space, but there's room for a couple cars before area where their dumpster sits.

A blond gal got out of the silver sedan's passenger seat. She sauntered inside. No limp or visible different-abledness. She was wearing homemade Daisy Dukes, cut unevenly, but at least barely covering her rumpus cheeks with frayed fringe.

It took me a couple minutes to hobble inside. There was one guy at the counter. The register right by the door was the only one open. I stood behind that guy, leaving room for people entering to walk between us. Here came Daisy carrying two pastries from the donut case.

SHE STEPPED IN FRONT OF ME TO WAIT!

What in the fresh Not-Heaven was this? I was clearly in line. I wasn't standing there to soak up the air conditioning. I wasn't fabricating a shopping list before moving down the aisles. I was THE NEXT CUSTOMER IN LINE!

I wish Genius had been there to not-pick-a-fight with her! An antisocial monster indeed! Maybe that's my newest magnet. An Antisocial Monster Magnet.

Hick and Val, Land Barons in High Demand

Nothing pulls scammers out of the woodwork like buying/selling real estate. I suspect they comb through county records on a regular basis, looking for customers victims. Seems like every time we pick up or unload a new property, we get a letter wanting to buy our land.

Not the land/house we've just bought/sold. Our personal land. Which we've had for over 20 years. Most often, it's an offer to purchase the 10 acres next to the BARn field. The letter we got yesterday was supposedly out of North Carolina. That's what the letterhead said, but there was no postmark on the envelope. Which looked like standard junk mail, with a paid permit out of Florida. Of course that's logical, right? A small business owner from North Carolina having a mailing permit out Florida.

Here's the pitch:

******************************************************************

Dear Hick and Val,

Good land is vanishing fast. Help us keep it in the hands of families, farmers, and people who care for it most.

My name is Phony Baloney, I am an avid fisherman, hunter, outdoorsman and owner of a small, family-run land investing business that buys land directly from landowners like yourself. No realtors, no closing costs, and no months of back-and-forth waiting. We handle everything ourselves and keep the process as simple and straightforward as we can.

I understand how important it is to protect the land that we call home. When we purchase land, we turn around and sell it to folks who will truly put it to good use -- farmers looking to expand their operation, families wanting to build a home and live a more self-sufficient life, homesteaders, hunters, outdoorsmen, and people who just want a quiet piece of ground to call their own. We take pride in knowing that the land we buy ends up in the hands of people who will love and care for it.

I came across your land in Backroads County and am interested in purchasing it for $39,763.86.

We pay cash and can close in as little as 10-15 business days -- which means money in your pocket quicky, without the headaches.

If you have any questions at all -- even just to talk through how the process works -- please don't hesitate to give me a call at xxx xxx xxxx. I'm happy to chat.

If you are excited and ready to move forward, I have included a purchase agreement on the next page with our offer for your land. To proceed this way, please sign the agreement, take a photo and send it back to us by email at xxx@xxxxxxx.com or directly by mail to Address, City, NC 27330.

If you happen to have any other land you've been thinking about selling, I'd love to hear about that as well.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I hope we can speak soon.

Take care and God bless.

Sincerely, 

Phony Baloney

Outdoorsman | Small Business Owner

[there was a small black and white photo of a man and a girl child sitting on an oversize adirondack chair in a field next to a pond]

The enclosed sales contract had the parcel number. The purchase price offered. And terms:

This offer is contingent upon the following terms:

1. Buyer's confirmation and acceptance of legal and physical aspects of the property.

2. This offer shall remain open until 7/17/26 and if not accepted by then, the offer shall be rescinded, unless otherwise discussed.

3. Buyer can take title in any entity of their choosing.

4. Buyer will pay for all closing costs.

***************************************************************

Gosh! What a perfect buyer. So concerned about protecting our land and only selling it to the right people, who will love it and care for it. With no realtors and no closing costs. Yet the "contract" says he will pay all closing costs! And he would love to just chat with us. Probably about hunting and fishing and outdoorsing. I'm sure he spent many hours dwelling on just the right price for our beloved land. No round numbers for this guy!

As with all such offers, this one is going straight into the circular file.

Hick's Harem Has Bats in the Belfry

Hick's phone rang Friday night at 10:07. For a long time. Maybe 12 rings, though I wasn't counting. Hick didn't answer. He went to bed before 9:00. I asked him Saturday morning who had called, and the concept of a call seemed foreign to him.

"Well, you might want to check who it was. Hopefully not your brother needing something in Las Vegas."

"Huh. It was just a gal from the apartments. I think I know what it's about. They might have another bat in the building."

"What does she expect you to do, run over there at 10:30 at night?"

"I don't know. Probably. We had one bat, and one of the guys stomped it."

"You can't really get rid of them, can you? They're protected. I remember my old neighbor telling us about his daughter having them in her house somewhere around Jefferson City. I guess you'd have to call an exterminator, and maybe they could trap them and let them go somewhere else?"

"All you can do is put in a barrier where they can get out, but can't get back in. You're not supposed to trap them or do anything to them. If you're in contact with them, you're supposed to notify the conservation department, because they carry rabies."

"So that guy who stomped it could be in trouble if anybody found out?"

"Probably. He just stomped it and left it there on the floor!"

"I guess he didn't want to touch it."

"I picked it up by the foot and took it outside to put in the dumpster. I don't think that was enough contact that I could get rabies. So I ain't notifyin' anybody."

"Make sure you don't go trying to catch a live one! Rabies is forever. Everybody who gets it dies, unless you get the shots."

"I don't plan on messing with them. I'll have to see where they're getting in, and put something up."

The Harem needs to realize that Hick is not their 24/7/365 bat-buster. He's not on call.

I say if a bat is close enough to stomp, all BATS are off! That's not normal behavior. For a bat to be around people, I mean. Not for a person fighting to save himself from a possibly deadly bat bite.

It Must be Hereditary

Scarcely a week after Val's encounter with two line-jumping rumpusholes... Genius had his own situation in Pittsburgh. He sent me a text Saturday morning at 8:11 (my time).

"I've picked up your rumpushole magnet behavior. I'm waiting at the post office to drop off a package, and an old lady just walked up, greeted me, and then CUT IN FRONT OF ME! Now I have to evaluate whether to pick a fight with an old lady, or let her get away with being an antisocial monster. We're in line for the "opens at 9AM" post office that's still not open."

"Heh, heh. Let it go. Because YOU would look like the rumpushole."

"Yeah. Exactly. I wouldn't actually pick the fight but still..."

"Like me with the ice cream man. I definitely feel your ire. Monday, a guy in a black sports car almost hit me while I was standing in the yellow-striped handicap walkway at Casey's. He backed up, then PARKED there when I got in T-Hoe, despite a plethora of open spaces closer to the door, including the actual handicap space, for which he had no plate or placard."

"Don't get me started on entitled parkers! Especially in bike lanes!"

"Watch out for doors being flung open!"

Genius recently got an e-Bike, which he rides to work. And took on a 22-mile ride on his day off. Another thing for me to worry about, now with the manifestation of his rumpushole magnet.

Not As Promised

Not only did Hick skate on his promise to get me pictures Thursday afternoon (in favor of seeking cheap chairs on Facebook) of the back of Cheap House... he also "forgot" to go by on the way home Friday afternoon. Even though he was within half a block of Cheap House after his Friday Afternoon Bull-Shooting Session with his cronies.

All I have to show are two pictures taken Wednesday. Hick says nothing much is different, except he took the board off the window.

Hick has covered an opening where there was old white siding and insulation, after tearing them out. Under the "newest" siding (that he will be putting back on) was this brick-look tarpaper stuff. Heh, heh. In sending myself the picture through my email, my subject line was autocorrected from tarpaper brick to taxpayer brick. If only!

Here's the back of the house, showing the new roof line after that flat-roofed "porch" of a bedroom was torn off. Neither Hick nor the roofers seem to be in any hurry to clean up their respective messes! You can see that Hick still has the window and the door area covered. He has put the louvered vent thingy back in above the window.

This picture was taken from the off-street parking that is accessed by an alley. There IS actual fencing to go with that gate. Hick took it down so the roofers could get their truck in the back yard. He will put the fence up again when work is finished.

I'm hoping to get more pictures, but first I suppose more work must be done! Like the door being installed. And the siding put back on. No telling when that will happen. Hick has plans for Tuesday that include a trip to the city for either his not-quite-free cabinets, or more likely stuff he's buying from that guy. Since I think the cabinets depend on notification from the guy's kitchen remodelers. 

I'm not sure how much Hick and Old Buddy can get done in their regularly-scheduled three hours on Monday.

I'll Believe It when I See It

You were supposed to get a view of the back of Cheap House today. Sadly, the photographer was distracted by something shiny. 

Hick went to work on putting in the door, and getting the siding on the back. He said he was called away to a water leak at the senior apartments. They sure are demanding, for just over $300 per month! And Hick was able to text me at 11:29 after finishing his Father's Day lunch at the Senior Center. He SAID he was going back by Cheap House to get the pictures. But instead went down by his SUS2.5 to look at some chairs and stuff a guy had on Facebook.

I know this, because I called Hick went he sent the text. He was digesting his food, and listening to what sounded like a barbershop trio. He said he had live entertainment of three guys singing. Anyhoo... Hick also said he'd had Realtor Guy at Cheap House to talk about listing it. That's the highlight, I think.

"Realtor Guy said he had a guy who would be interested. It's two guys who flip houses like we do. Right now they have their money in a big house in the city, listed for $350,000. He says they've been asking him for smaller properties. They pay between $40 to $50 per square foot. And Cheap House is around 1000 square feet. So Realtor Guy says he thinks they will want it. He said to call him when I'm ready to list, and he'll get pictures. I told him there's a couple things I still want to do, like the floor and the windows.

I also told Realtor Guy that we should be ready to list Lap House in about one-and-a-half months. The electricity got hooked up today, so I can start working in it."

Well. That's all news to ME! I can't imagine Hick will have Cheap House on the market, and get Lap House ready in such a short time. Especially with all his side trips to do other things at the drop of a hat.

I'd probably be quite safe if I declared I would eat that hat if Cheap House and Lap House are both up with an active listing by August 1st.

Hick's FREEbie Magnet Loses Its Charge

I can't remember if I told this story here. You may be getting a partial re-run. That's what happens in the summer, right? We're all old enough to remember only three TV stations, and how the summer programs were repeats.

Anyhoo... Hick has a "rich" acquaintance in the city who is getting rid of some collector items. He's been up there three times already. He takes Old Buddy with him, to help load stuff. 

"Do you pay Old Buddy his $15 an hour for this?"

"No. He gets to ride along. And there's stuff he wants to buy, too. So he gets a free ride, and contact with this guy, in exchange for helping me carry my stuff."

I don't even know what items Hick has been "collecting" there. My interest is in what he told me he could get for FREE.

"While we were talking, I found out this guy is renovating his kitchen. He said he's getting all new cabinets and appliances. The cabinets he has are good ones. I asked what was going to happen to the things they tear out. He said, 'The people doing the kitchen will get rid of them.' I said it was a shame to throw them away. I asked if I could buy them. He said I could HAVE them! Cabinets, and a gas range and a refrigerator and a microwave. He said he'll have to figure out when they're doing it, and I'll have to come get them that day. That they'll set them outside, and I have to pick them up."

"That might be hard, for you to rush up there on a moment's notice, with Old Buddy and your trailer. It takes over an hour to get there."

"Yeah. I'm going to ask him on my next trip up there if we can work something out. If he can leave them until I get there later that day, or the next morning."

Last week, Hick made another trip the the rich house. He came home telling a different story.

"Remember them cabinets and stuff I was going to get? They ain't free no more! Apparently the guy had told me I could have them without talking to his wife about it."

"Oh, no! Can you still get them? What will it cost?"

"I can have them for $400."

"WHAT? That's nothing! I can't believe they only want $400 for cabinets, fridge, range, and microwave! Does his wife know he told you that price?"

"She was standin' right there when he said it. So I guess it's okay with her."

"I bet he's getting an earful from her right now."

Still, that's a pretty good bargain. Hick said he will use some of the cabinets in Lap House. And probably the range, since Lap House has gas. Likely the refrigerator and microwave, too. You can't pass up an opportunity like this. I hope there's not another price increase...

Shingles for the Cheap

Cheap House has a new roof. The crew started last Tuesday, and finished up on Monday. We had a bit of rain Friday, but they already had the decking down, and the tarpaper. Hick stopped by and said the inside was dry. Which it wouldn't have been, since the old roof leaked every rain.

There's not much to see on a new roof. Hick got some pictures Monday morning.

This is from the back corner. The opposite side from the snake neighbor. That might be Old Buddy's head. I'm not sure what Hick's roofing guy looks like. I thought he was younger.

There's the back of the house, where the old porch/bedroom was torn off. Obviously, this is before the roofers did their cleanup.

This is the other back corner, on the side of the snake neighbor. 

This view is from the back yard. That might be SilverRedO with Hick's lumber. He couldn't close up that back wall until the roofers were done enough not to be tossing stuff down on him and Old Buddy. He still needs to tear off the rest of the old siding, put in a door and a window, and then put the matching siding on the back wall.

At least the water damage is stopped. There's a new roof to tout for the hopefully-soon listing. And Hick can patch the outside, and start fixing the floor on the inside.

Sorry, Lap House. You're on the back burner.

A Coincidental Premonition

The Pony came out Thursday after errand day. We picked up Chinese for The Pony's lunch, and supper for me and Hick. Our order came with three fortune cookies. The Pony ate one, and left two. I forgot about them, then had one Friday night as a treat after my leftover Chinese. Here is my fortune:

Heh, heh! I was SURE that meant I was going to get a winning scratcher. Better than just money back, you know, because DELIGHTFUL! I saved that fortune so I could show The Pony after I got my big winner. 

Saturday, I only had two winners, for a total of $8. That most certainly was not delightful! Just my money back on a $3 and $5 ticket. I shook my fist at The Universe. It's not nice to toy with Val.

Sunday, I sat down at the kitchen table to scratch that day's scratchers. I was on the first ticket, third number, when I uncovered a winning symbol.

Well! That was most certainly DELIGHTFUL!

That's a $250 winner, on a $10 ticket! 

I'm pretty sure the fortune was just a coincidence. I don't remember The Pony's this time, but a couple weeks ago, it was: "Don't engage in road rage." The Pony has never, ever engaged in road rage. Heh, heh! Maybe it's because of that fortune advice...

Hick's fortune was: "The odds are improving... slowly." Maybe that means he's got a chance of getting the electricity connected to the pole at Cheap House, before winter sets in.

Anyhoo... Val is having a delightful week. So far.

Lap House Needs Help, But Hick is Powerless

Poor Lap House is the neglected stepchild of The(flipping)Victorians. Not by their choice! Hick has put in new electric, and is waiting on the electric company to come run wires from the pole to the house.

"How long have you been waiting on the electric company?"

"The last email I got was on June 2nd, when I asked my buddy who works for them. The inspector. He approved my work, and put in a service order. On June 2nd, he said he didn't know how long it would be. That he had put in the order a week before that. But they are behind on service calls."

"What exactly are they going to do?"

"Run the wire from the pole to the house."

"If you hadn't put in new electric, would they need to do anything?"

"No. If I'd left it the same, it would still be working. But they have to connect it with the new kind of wire. The old kind was three separate wires. They could short theirselves out. The new kind has the three wires wrapped around a grounding rod. So it won't short."

"When did they start using this NEW kind of wire?"

"Oh... back in the '70s."

"Heh, heh! That's not so new! I guess this house is like The Pony's house down the block, built around 1920?"

"Yeah. It's from back then."

Meanwhile, Hick waits. He needs electricity to run his saws to get started on the interior of Lap House.

The Absolute Gall of Entitled Rumpusholes

Val is hot-to-trot, my friends. And not in a good way. No silks or sulky in sight. Simply seething, and ready to share a portion of her cerebellum with a few select rumpusholes encountered earlier this day.

Yes, Val is fuming. Fuming like an exterminator roaming through the classrooms of Steelville Middle School, circa late 80s, wearing a tank and wielding a wand made of metal, spewing chemicals probably not meant for inhalation by young teens.

Here's the deal. I was in the School-Turn Casey's, waiting in line behind one customer, an old man who had just paid, and was taking up the counter while putting away his debit card. I was next. The cashier decided to use that moment to fiddle with the OTHER register. It looked like she was making a money drop. She inserted some bills into something I couldn't see, which made a whirring sound.

"I'll be with you folks in a minute."

Not a problem. I was next. An old man had come up behind me from the left. He was holding a soft-serve ice cream cone. I was holding a winning scratcher worth $75. While the original customer was slowly combing through his wallet to fit his debit card in the right spot, the Old Man behind me stepped up to the unopened register where Cashier was still fiddling.

"I'm just going to give you this money so I can eat my ice cream before it melts." He handed Cashier a handful of change and walked out the door. She nodded.

WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FREAKIN' NOT-HEAVEN???

That is line-jumping! Or did I miss a new law that decrees ice cream cannot be eaten while standing in line waiting to pay for it. That it can only be eaten outside the store after paying. 

But wait! That's not all. As the original customer took his time stuffing his wallet into a back pocket, and organizing his purchase to pick up, a young woman carrying a large orange soda got in line behind me from the right. She had a toddler on her hip, and three other urchins under five orbiting her.

"I just have my cup. They all wanted one, but I can't afford four." She hoisted the full cup in the air, and walked out! Cashier nodded.

WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FREAKIN' NOT-HEAVEN???

That is line-jumping. AND stealing! Did I miss a new law that if all you have is a large soda and a lot of kids, you can leave the store without paying? Getting your soda for free?

Then a lady and young boy came up from the right. I swear, I thought she was going to barge ahead of me, too. But Cashier said, "I can help you now." You're darn tootin' you can help me now! You already took two people ahead of me, while I was abiding the unwritten rules of society!

That's how it works, you know. Most children even understand. You get behind the people who were there first, and wait until it's your turn. There's no "I JUST HAVE..." about it. First come, first served. Sometimes you get behind somebody buying a single item, sometimes you get behind somebody with three shopping carts. That's the breaks. 

I didn't advise that man to buy a soft-serve ice cream cone when it's 98 degrees outside. Nor did I pour the mix that made it extra melty into the machine. 

I didn't go to that gal's house (or car backseat) and force her to procreate so rapidly in succession. 

JUST because you want to eat your ice cream outside alone, or have to tow around four kids everywhere you go, doesn't mean that you get to skip the line to pay! Or steal!

A Chinese Linking Ring Puzzle in a Knotted Bag Locked in Houdini's Trunk Stashed in a Corn Maze

Balancing our flip house books is a chore that would have crime scene cleaners, coal miners, and Moroccan leather dye pit workers rejoicing that their jobs are easy by comparison.

Hick is not a good recordkeeper. 

He stashes receipts here and there in SilverRedO. He'll tell me, upon interrogation, "Oh, that's on the dash. It's on the visor. I've got it out in SilverRedO. That's in my billfold somewhere. I gave it to you already. I have no idea what you're talking about."

Hick's filing system is like a box of chocolates!

Hick will tell me one thing, then write down another. It is SO HARD to torture the truth out of him! The one thing he remembers is NUMBERS. Well, if they're not HOUSE numbers. I can usually backtrack enough to match up the specific expenditure with something in Hick's mind.

Hick confuses the streets of the flip houses. He designated one expense to a street where we haven't owned the property since 2017. On his yellow legal page of May cash expenditures, there were The Pony's house, our house, Lap House, Cheap House, and weed-eater repairs. Even though I've asked him to use separate pages for each property. What I get is a list, by date, with scribbles of the amount, and a two/three word description of what it's for. That's the GOOD NEWS!

The bad news is when Hick forgets to tell me when he uses the debit card, or says he used it when instead he used the credit card. Are you sensing my chagrin?

Here's an example from Monday. That morning, I had tried to balance my checkbook (elderlies DO like the old ways) using my bank's automated phone system. There was a charge I had no record of. For $45.29. It was pending, with no explanation of the business. 

That afternoon, I was in the School-Turn Casey's, just a block away from Cheap House. As I was getting scratchers, Hick walked in.

"Getting your tickets?"

"Yeah. Did you put $45.29 on the debit card today?"

"No."

"Are you sure? There's a charge that I didn't make. Think about it."

"No. I didn't put nothin' on it. Unless it was lawnmower gas. That's it. Lawnmower gas a couple days ago. At the Backroads Casey's."

"So you just weren't going to tell me about it?"

"I don't have no receipt. Old Buddy didn't get one."

"Why is Old Buddy using our debit card?"

"He wasn't. I put the card in to pay, then I went inside. Old Buddy was pumping the gas. Then he forgot to hit the button to get a receipt. So I don't have one."

Which in Hick's mind, apparently means that there was no charge! Since he never would have told me about it, had I not grilled him at the counter of another Casey's.

I don't get paid enough for this! Oh, wait. I don't get paid at all.

A Mother's Day Gift for Hick

I forgot to tell you that Hick got a Mother's Day gift on May 6th. Oh, he didn't get it for ME. He got it for himself. It was a surprise. He DID send me a picture of that gift, in SilverRedO.

They are fake tulips, with several gift cards also "growing" from the pot. The gift cards were from girly boutiques (instead of manly boutiques, heh, heh) in the local area. 

"Look what we won from the abstract office"

Hick said WE, but turns out it was only HIM. He said the gal who does our closings at the regular title company we use had called him. She said they had been putting everyone's name in, and had a drawing for this Mother's Day gift. Hick's name was drawn.

Did Hick present that gift to ME for Mother's Day? Nope. He gave me a card. So there's that. I would not have used those gift cards anyway. I don't really need fake tulips. It would have been the THOUGHT that counted. As it was, he gave all the gift cards to The Veteran's daughters, who are in their early teens now, and like girly stuff. The fake tulips are sitting on our marred coffee table. I think they partially obstruct Hick's view of the TV when he sits on the long couch to fold his underwear and socks.

As for the state of SilverRedO in that photo... it might help you understand why I have such a hard time keeping up with the flip bills Hick eventually submits to me.

Beware a Nervous Man with Time and a Phone on His Hands

Hick had a little medical issue last month. It was actually the day after his clamor shot Glamour Shot. I won't go into the details. I can't prove his harem had anything to do with it! The Pony and Old Buddy were actually there with him, working on the security camera at the apartments, when Hick was struck down with ill health.

Being Hick, he continued working, waiting for his doctor NP office to open, so he could call and consult them on what to do. He ended up driving himself to the closest ER. Old Buddy really wanted to take him, but Hick was set on doing it himself. I won't go into details, but after several tests, nothing conclusive was found, and Hick is awaiting a specialist's appointment in August. His symptoms have abated, but other testing will likely be done.

Anyhoo... the issue here is that Hick was left waiting for a while. Triage, you know. Even once he got back to a room to wait for tests, he heard a helicopter. So knew he would be there awhile. That gave his mind time to dwell on his mortality. And to snoop into the business of others in the facility. Hick does not like to be idle. He texted me every half hour.

"Never thought I'd see a pup in the emergency room. Look at the toilet paper. I started to tell her but I didn't." Five minutes later: "They just made her take the dog out"

Now I want to know how Hick would have brought up the subject IF he had decided to tell that woman she had a toilet paper tail.

Hick's Harem Is Overstepping Their Bounds

Hick has not been telling me many tales of his harem lately. I wonder if there's something I should know... It seems that the old gals are quite persuasive in leading Hick to do their bidding. Here's a text I got May 6th. Hick never has mentioned it. Just the text:

"They did clamor shots at senior center yesterday and the old ladies made me do it too"

A likely story! They MADE him do it? Surely these fragile elderlies cannot strongarm Hick into a situation which he might consider not quite appropriate. I guess it doesn't really take muscle. Just a stroking of Hick's ego...

I should probably be relieved, upon seeing the picture, that Hick meant GLAMOUR SHOTS, not clamor shots. Can't have him imbibing on his (just over $300/month) job!

There's our boy! I resisted the urge to give him googly eyes. A simple pair of spectacles will do. You'd think one of Hick's admirers could have at least straightened his tie and collar. Maybe not the one who likes to drink. Or maybe she IS the one who helped Hick get ready for his closeup. I'm pretty sure that get-up travels with the Glamour Shot photographer. I don't recall seeing Hick wear it before, nor take it out of the Mansion on picture day. This really does not look like Hick at all. It's the hat. He's usually in a trucker cap.

Heh, heh. Why am I imagining a little framed photo of Hick on each of their nightstands?

The Other Thing I Found

That title is the text Hick sent me about another SUS2.5 treasure. 

That's a nice old-timey metal truck. It has a SEAT! Hick says it's a riding toy. That rusty metal stick thingy on top is for pulling it, or for steering if you (a child!) sits on the seat. I don't know how that would work. It doesn't look like a steering wheel to me! More like a giant key to open a can of sardines or SPAM. WAIT! If that rod is connected to something under the hood of the truck, I can imagine how it turns the wheels.

Anyhoo... Hick paid $50 for this old metal riding truck. He will take $100. for it. He says it's a Buddy L Deluxe Rider. That they are going for $350 in good condition, which his isn't. But it would be a good starter for somebody wanting to collect them.

Hick Says It's DY-NO-MITE!

Hick is always eager to show off new wares at his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5). On Sunday morning, he sent me a text at 7:22.

"Something for you to tell stories on your page"

My first thought was, Wow, that's cool! Upon first glance, without my glasses, I thought it was a display of wine corks and corkscrews. Like somebody had made up a nice little (BIG, folding) shadowbox to showcase their favorites, or mementos. Then I supposed it looked a little bit like a science fair display, though wine would not have been a subject that I would okay for a science project.

I put on my glasses, enlarged the picture, and saw BLASTING CAPS. And sticks of dynamite! Well. Still cool. But maybe dangerous! Was Hick going to store this in his SUS2.5? Or worse, bring it home and put it in his unairconditioned BARn or Storage Container Garage? I definitely needed more info. Which would have to wait until Hick got home...

Hick said it's dynamite, but not dangerous. (!)

"How is that? There are jars of gunpowder! Or dynamite powder! Can't that explode?"

"No. I think it's not real. I think they've put something in there to look like it. There was a label on it that said 'ATF Test Kit.' I don't think it works."

"Like for training? To show the different kinds of explosives, and what they might look like?"

"Yeah. I got if from one of my guys I trade with. I paid $100 for it. This morning I thought I had it sold for $200, but the guy backed out of the deal. I'd take $150 for it, if somebody offered, but I have it marked for $200."

Well. At least Hick won't be bringing home explosives, fake or not. I might worry about having it sitting in my hot storage unit store, though. At least it's probably in the main unit with some air conditioning.

Thevictorians Decline to be Equalized

A couple weeks ago we got a letter, addressed to Hick, me, and The Pony. It was from the County Board of Equalization. A single page, yet quite nosy!

*****************************************************************

This office has noted your recent purchase of real property at the following location: 

(Please note if incorrect)

Lap House, Sis-Town

We would appreciate your supplying the information requested below. All information is used for over-all studies of property in the County and becomes public information.

1. This property is: (please check all that apply)

___ Single Family Residence

___ Duplex

___ Triplex

___ Apartment Unit (4 or more)

___ Store or Office

___ Industrial Plan

___ Warehouse

___ Vacant Lot

___ Farm Unit

___ Other

2. What was the purchase price? ______________ Purchase date? _________

3. Were there any unusual circumstances involved in the sale, such as:

(  ) Yes   (  ) No   The property was purchased from a relative

(  ) Yes   (  ) No   The property was purchased through foreclosure.

(  ) Yes   (  ) No   The property was purchased through an estate.

4. No. of bedrooms _____ No. of baths ______ (Do not include basement rooms)

5. Basement:  Yes ___ No___ Walk out ___ Walk up___ Interior Only ___

6. Basement finish? (  ) Yes   (  ) No   If yes, please list number of:

___ Family rooms  ___ Bedrooms   ___ Bathrooms

7. Fireplace: Yes (  )   No (  )  If yes: 

# of fireplaces ___ Gas/Electric ___ Wood-burning ___

8. If any property other than real estate (furniture, livestock, etc.) was included, 

what was the value of that property? ______

9. Comments?

Date: _________________   Signed: __________________________________

*******************************************************************

Also note that the letter was dated 5/15/26.

Listed the Parcel Number of the property

Date Acquired: 3/19/26

Book/Page: [number]

Obviously, there are records that we purchased Lap House. They know when. They know which property. I'm sure there is a record of the price, since we closed at a local title company.

Hick, The Pony, and I all agree that there is no need to fill this out. It will likely increase the county taxes on this property. We won't have it long enough for that to really matter to us. The kicker is the part that this will BECOME PUBLIC INFORMATION. Nobody needs to know who we got this property from, and if anything else (cough, cough, white truck...) was included. The basic info is recorded at the courthouse, should anybody want to dig it up.

You know how hard it was for me to resist only filling out the COMMENTS section, right?

He Wants His MeTV

Hick came in from mowing the yard/fields on Tuesday evening, and plopped down in his recliner to watch some old reruns. He's partial to MASH, and Hogan's Heroes after that. And sometimes Emergency if he gets home earlier. These shows are on channel 24 on our DISH service. Channel 24 used to be a religious station in St. Louis, started by evangelist Larry Rice. I don't know when it changed programming, but now it's MeTV, and broadcasts old classic shows.

Anyhoo... Hick hollered in that he coudn't watch MASH.

"It goes to that channel, and looks like it's going to play, but then I get a message that I'm outside the area for this channel. It says if I haven't moved my receiver, I need to call DISH."

"Well. You can call them. I can look up the number after I get your supper ready."

"It gives me the number."

"Well. You can call."

"It might come back."

"I can look up if it's part of a dispute, like when DISH dropped CBS for a month and we missed Survivor. It IS the beginning of June. So maybe they're working out a deal. We should get it. It's part of the Local Channel package that we pay for to get the St. Louis stations."

"It worked yesterday. And that was June 1st. So maybe it will come back."

Yes. That's how we like to solve problems around here. Ignore them, and see if they fix themselves. I didn't think any more about it. Until Wednesday morning at 5:15 a.m. when I put the TV on Channel 2 to see the local weather. I GOT THE SAME MESSAGE! It wasn't just Channel 24, but ALL the St. Louis stations that we pay extra to receive.

I called the number on the screen. A recording told me that all DISH representatives were busy, and the wait time would be 8 minutes. That I could stay on the line, or press "1" and they would hold my place in line, and call me for my turn. Do you think I trusted that? Not-Heaven, no! I stayed on the line. Every now and then, a message would tell me that I could find the red reset button on my receiver, and push it. Or hold the power button. Nope. Not fiddling with that. All the other channels still worked.

After 10 minutes, a sweet Asian-accented woman asked what my problem was. I only had to ask her to repeat something twice. Not because her English was so good, but because I was straining every part of my ear and brain to decipher her words. She said she was working on it. Then that DISH crews were doing maintenance on a satellite, and my problem should resolve when the maintenance was completed. There was nothing she could do, nor anything I could do. Just wait. I thanked her and hung up.

Do I believe this scenario? I want to. But I'm not sure. What kind of satellite are they working on? An orbiting satellite? Did a crew fly up there to hammer at it? Or a big round satellite dish? Were they hosing it down and making it sparkle? Is it a satellite that only sends out St. Louis TV station signals?

I suppose we'll give it a week. If not fixed, Hick can call back.

Make. It. STAHHHP!

Once we walked into the Savings & Loan, we had no problems acquiring Cheap House. The paperwork consisted of a two-page document, stapled together, needing only Hick's signature and mine. How in the Not-Heaven did that take 17 days (since the foreclosure auction on the courthouse steps) to get ready?

Loan Officer pushed a pen across his glass-topped desk to each of us. We signed our single signature and sat back. You KNOW I was planning on taking that pen with me. And Hick's too. They have loads of those things, for promotional purposes. Especially after THE VIRUS, when nobody wanted to touch anybody else's pen unless it was given a Silkwood shower with GermX, and hermetically sealed in a ziploc bag and left to sit for seven days.

The gal who brought the papers to Loan Officer's desk took our cashier's check for $15,000. Then she whisked away to get us a handwritten receipt on an index-card size note torn off a pad with the Savings & Loan logo. A receipt like we just bought a chotchke at a flea market. She said she was going to walk the papers across the corner to the courthouse to get them recorded. We could wait, or Hick could pick them up later. Which he said he would.

THAT'S A PROBLEM! But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hick took the receipt, but then took out his phone, and started showing pictures of what he's doing to Cheap House. Loan Officer leaned forward for a closer look, then REACHED OUT AND TOOK BACK BOTH PENS!!!

What a petty little persnickety man! I don't mean that in a bad way. He's a nice guy. We got our loan from him to build our hillbilly mansion way back in 1997. We paid back every penny. Early! And he couldn't even begrudge us two free pens 29 years later???

Anyhoo... Loan Officer started telling Hick of another possible foreclosure. AND HICK TALKED ABOUT GETTING IT!

No. Nope. Absolutely not. We already have TWO flips right now. I do not like the thought of Hick chatting with Loan Officer when I'm not around.

Thevictorians Are Now the Not-So-Proud Legal Owners of Cheap House

It's ours! Finally. Legally. Hick and I signed the papers on Wednesday afternoon. More on that story eventually. Today we take a look at the back porch. Technically, the lack of a back porch. It has been ripped off.

The floor/ceiling still has to be removed. Hick said HOS and buddy took the metal off the porch roof. It's in the yard. Hick will bring it home and use it for projects that I don't even want to think about. There were shingles under the metal, which will have to go to the landfill, since they missed getting them in the dumpster. The boards of the floor and roof will be saved by Hick. Right now that's the roof boards sitting on top of the floor boards.

I asked Hick why it looks like there's a big hole in the house roof by his "new" wall. He said, "Because there's a big hole in the house roof."

"Won't it leak when it rains???"

"It was already leaking when it rained! There's wood under that opening. It gets wet and leaks. The roofers should be able to start next week. That'll take care of it."

The area of white shingles is where the back door will be. That's the kitchen. There's already a window covered with a square of plywood because it was broken. Hick had his glass guy fix two windows, and will be putting that one back in after the roofing is done.

It's coming along. I'm ready to get it on the market!