I THINK the Cheap House Deal is in Progress

Loan Officer did not call Hick on Monday as promised on Friday on the steps of the courthouse. Hick called him on Tuesday. Then sent me a text. In his usual Hicktextic fashion:

"Talked with Savings & Loan. They are getting the dead and all made up and will let me know and I can do a wire transfer or cashier check"

Somebody unfamiliar with Hicktext might worry. It doesn't seem a good omen to hear that the dead and all are being made up! Why? To look more presentable? Even if you assume that Hick meant DEED rather than dead, being made up sounds like something is being falsified!

So much for Hick's declaration that a personal check should be fine at the closing, to buy a $15,000 house, because the main office of our bank is right across the street from the Savings & Loan. We've always used a cashier's check to buy our real estate. I wouldn't want to accept a personal check from any buyer.

You'd think Hick would be walking on daisies, in a jolly mood, pampering Val for allowing him to make this unwanted (to her) purchase, (even though Val was outvoted by Hick and The Pony). But no. Hick is being his usual cantankerous self! I swear, I might have to ask his harem to intervene.

As of Tuesday morning, Hick still hadn't looked up the two local websites that rent industrial dumpsters.

"I talked to my buddy who's doing the cleanout. He said he rented a dumpster once, and it was $450. We're gonna need at least a 20-yard dumpster--"

"I gave you those websites! There's the list right in front of you. Each one of them has a picture of the sizes, and the EXACT COST they charge, for how long!"

Hick picked up the list and fiddled with his phone. I don't know what he was looking at, but when he turned his phone to show me, there were NO pictures. Just a yellow box saying the size and price.

"I don't know what you're on, but it's NOT the company website!"

"It is too, Val! See here? There's the name, and their address. It says to call them for a quote."

Hick had googled the name of the company, and clicked on the first result. Which I assume was a paid advertisement for local trash companies, and not the specific website. I swear, you CAIN'T TELL HICK NOTHIN'!

"That's not their website. I'll show you tonight on my laptop. Besides, I told you to get an estimate if HE gets the dumpster, and one if WE get the dumpster. So we can see what's cheapest for us."

"Val. The guys I get cain't afford to get a dumpster. WE are paying for the dumpster!"

"That's not what we talked about. Besides, if WE are paying, what keeps them from taking too much time, and getting us charged for another week? AND, you just said that your buddy had rented one before! So obviously he had the money."

"WE are getting the dumpster. He'll give me a quote when I walk him through the house."

"Make sure you write down what the deal is! About how much time they have, the total price, and when you will pay them!"

Hick is being extra dodgy about his hired help, and I don't like it.

More Ominous on a Cloudy Day

Here's your first picture of Cheap House. The exterior is kind of cute when you drive by on a sunny day. However... this is the Glamour Shot of this lipstick-needy pigsty. 

Hick has already made a trip to Lowe's for padlocks and plywood. He's boarding up broken windows, to keep the city off his back. This is NOT the city which seems to persecute Hick. That's where Lap House lives. This is the city we've had reasonable relations with, despite them not granting a variance for the Double Hovel, nor fixing the city sidewalk at Bargain House. They don't go out of their way to nitpick, just follow their regular protocol as they would for any other property owner.

Despite the lack of tender loving care, Cheap House is not all that unappealing from the street. We've seen many run-down houses that seem to smell from the listing photo. AND for much more than $15,000. 

There's no plan to make this one into a safe, livable home. Just put in windows, patch up structural problems, tear the interior down to the studs, then offer it to a flipper.

I actually have a few pictures of the interior. I don't know if you're ready for such squalor. I may not post them, unless you promise to sit down, smelling salts handy, ready to close your browser.

________________________________________________________________

Welp! Hick has already broken one promise. I just got an email from the electric company that a new account  has been opened. So much for not turning on the utilities. I weep for Lap House. Hick has a new baby.

________________________________________________________________

Hick Is On a Buyer's High

Without yet having put pens to paper, and taken legal possession of Cheap House, Hick is already making plans to pour money into his newest acquisition. He had his verbal agreement to purchase Cheap House on Friday afternoon. Saturday morning, Hick was already shopping it out at his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5).

"I was tellin' of my buddies about gettin' the house, and he said he had looked at it. He thought about buyin' it. He said he passed on it, because he didn't want to do all the clean-out. When I told him my plan was to tear it down to the studs, and get rid of that back porch, and fix the hole in the floor, then sell it to a flipper... he said he might be interested! That when I get it ready, to let him know what I want for it."

"Is he a flipper?"

"No. Him and a partner buy houses, then fix them up and rent them. They don't sell them. So not really a flipper."

"So they DO buy old run-down houses and fix them?"

"Yeah. To rent. I talked to my buddy I was gonna hire to tear it out. I'm gonna take him by and show him, and get an estimate."

"Can you do that now? We don't legally own it yet. Do you have keys?"

"No. Nobody had any keys, Val. Even the Savings & Loan don't have any keys. I'll just cut off the padlocks that the lady put on there, and then put my own padlocks on."

"Will your buddy haul away all the junk? Or will you do that part? I know you said it would be cheaper to rent a dumpster than make all those trips to the landfill, and pay to dump."

"I don't know. I'll have to see what he says."

"Make sure you get an estimate for HIM clearing out the trash, and one if YOU dump the trash. So we'll know what's the best plan."

"Yeah, I will. I'm takin' my old weedeater on wheels to get it fixed. That'll be the easiest way to mow the lawn there. There's already weeds knee-high, so I'll have to get on it. It might cost $100 to fix my weedeater, but that's cheaper than $300-$400 for a new one."

While I was cooking Hick's supper (chicken, stuffing, baked beans, rolls), I looked up two businesses that rent the big dumpsters. I wrote down the URLs and the business names, and gave them to Hick.

"You can look these up. The first one is here in town. They charge $5/mile extra if you're more than 20 miles away, which Cheap House isn't. And the other one is over in Sis-Town. They have the sizes and what they cost on their websites."

"We'll probably need at least 20 cubic yards. Maybe 40."

I went back to the kitchen. In true Hick fashion, he completely ignored the info I had given him. And started searching for the price of dumpsters.

"It says here the average price of renting an industrial dumpster in our county is--"

"WHY are you doing that??? Go to those websites I gave you! They have the ACTUAL  PRICE for EACH SIZE of dumpster! An average isn't going to tell you what you need to know."

Poor Lap House. It's going to be the neglected step-house for a while.

The Auction That Wasn't

The auction on the courthouse steps for the sale of foreclosed Cheap House was scheduled for 1:00. I had a leg/knee therapy appointment at 1:00. I told Hick that I would not be available for a phone call until 2:00. But that he could text me with any news, and I could call later. Well. You know Hick...

I had just sat down on the end of the hydraulic table/bed. Legs dangling over the end, I was being hoisted ceilingward when by phone started ringing at 1:04.

"Oh, that will be my husband. He was going to an auction to buy a flip house at 1:00. I TOLD him I couldn't talk to him until after 2:00."

My occupational therapist didn't mind. "I can let you down. I don't mind if you take a call. I'm just going to do some measurements after I unwrap your legs."

"No. I'll call him later. No big deal."

My phone was zipped up in my purse, on the floor against the wall, by my shoes and socks. By the time I got to it, Hick would have lost patience and hung up. It wasn't exactly an emergency. But then I worried. What if Hick was going to bid MORE than we agreed on??? What if he'd already called The Pony and gotten an agreement? Oh, well. If that was the case, I was outvoted anyway. My phone kept interrupting. At 1:07. Then 1:27. Just texts this time. Does Hick not understand the meaning of an APPOINTMENT?

By 2:04, I had been unwrapped, measured, massaged, re-wrapped, and was back outside in T-Hoe. I read the texts:

1:07 "We own the house. Nobody else came to bid. Loan Officer said we'll do the paperwork next week. He would let me know."

1:27 "No one else even showed up"

I could tell Hick wanted to talk. To revel in his newest acquisition. I called.

"Did you write him a check?"

"No. We'll have a closing at the same place we went to sell the other house. I guess they'll take a personal check. Our bank is right across the street from them, if they want to verify it! I don't see no need to get a cashier's check and pay $10 for it."

"Did you find close parking by the courthouse?"

"Yeah. Right in front. Loan Officer and a gal from the Savings & Loan got there about 12:45. Then a gal from the title company showed up. [She actually owns the title company, but is a trustee of the Savings & Loan that foreclosed on Cheap House, and was there representing the Savings & Loan.] I got out and walked over. It was just me. At 1:00, the Title Co Gal asked if I was there to bid on the house. I said, 'Not for the price they're starting with, no.' Loan Officer said they were starting the bid at $18,400.'"

"Wait! Yesterday he told you $18,300! So it went up $100 overnight?"

"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, she handed me these papers, saying she was required by law to disclose that the house had been used for meth production. It's a legal thing. I'm not worried about that. When I said I wasn't bidding for that price, Loan Officer said he would still sell me the house at our previous agreed-on price of $15,000. Title Co Gal said, 'You'll have to make your arrangements with him (Loan Officer), then we will schedule the closing.' So I'll talk to him Monday. Oh, and it will be "$15,500, because nobody paid the taxes on it last year, and that's $500."

"So we, as the buyer, have to pay SOMEBODY ELSE'S DEBT? That doesn't sound right."

"I know. I'm gonna ask that on Monday. He said all debts were dead once the foreclosure happened. That nobody can come back on us for any judgments. I'm gonna ask why that doesn't apply to taxes, too."

"Well. It's not THAT much. We're getting a really cheap house."

Anyhoo... it's a done deal, except for the official closing and money transfer, which will be soon, I'm sure. They're desperate to unload this house! Hick is already calling his "guys" who will do the demolition. He's using one who's a contractor, which means the contractor will be responsible if anything happens to his workers on our property.

Hick is not worried about the meth thing. I don't think it will affect the resale to another flipper, which is what we're planning for Cheap House after structural cleanup. Hick says we're tearing it down to the studs, so there won't be anything meth-y in the walls or hidden. And that he'll get somebody to inspect it and verify nothing is there.

How do you do THAT? I can't imagine there are inspectors to certify buildings as meth-free! Only police with a drug dog, who aren't going to do private inspections. The notice Hick got was Missouri Statute 442.606, which is a disclosure concerning a property used for meth production, OR as a residence for a person convicted of meth crimes. It's not something that would dissuade me from buying a house. It's not like it's infested with black mold or eaten up by termites. I suppose we'll just have to give the same notice to a prospective buyer.

Anyhoo... once again, Thevictorians have TWO flip houses at the same time. 

A pain for bookkeeper Val.

Last Minute Info Before the Cheap House Auction

Thursday morning at Thevictorian Central...

Hick is in a tizzy over this Cheap House auction. He keeps reminding me he'll need a check Friday, in case he wins the bidding. 

"I guess they'll take a personal check. I don't know why they wouldn't. I haven't been to one of these foreclosure auctions. Just the delinquent tax sale auction. But that's run by the county, and not a bank."

Hick has also decided he won't have time for lunch Friday. Well. For a packed lunch that he usually takes on Friday to his SUS2.5. 

"Yeah, don't pack me no lunch. I won't have time."

"The auction is at 1:00. How will you not have time? When you go to the Senior Center, you eat at 11:00. I don't know why you couldn't eat lunch and then drive over to the courthouse. It's not even 10 minutes away."

"Well... I'll have to take time to close up my shop. I'll get a burger or something."

Heh, heh. Sounds like Hick would just rather have a burger. Which I think would take more time than microwaving a Pizza Pocket and opening a mini bag of chips. But I'm not one to interfere with Hick's auction prep juju.

Hick called me at 10:10.

"I got a call from Loan Officer about that foreclosure. He said they will start the bidding at $18,300. I told him we weren't going to bid over $18,000. He said to show up anyway. That if nobody bids on it, they will sell it to us for the $15,000 we originally agreed on. I told him okay, but that I wasn't bidding at $18,300. So we'll see what happens."

"I imagine somebody will be there, and bid on it. That won't break my heart, heh, heh. We only need one flippin' house at a time. You have enough work at Lap House to let people work there."

"We're on the way home with a load of junk from the basement right now."

"Why do WE need more junk?"

"It's lumber, Val. I'm putting it under the lean-to at the barn."

"I guess that's okay. Did you know your furnace guys showed up at The Pony's house?"

"Yeah. I gave them the wrong address."

"That doesn't surprise me!"

"Me either. One of the furnace guys didn't show up, and my buddy said he really had another job he needed to get done today. So they're coming back tomorrow. They got a little done while they was there."

"Hopefully they go to the right house tomorrow!"

"They will. They've been there now."

It's a dangerous situation for the next 24 hours! Hick is walking around with two blank checks! One for the furnace guy, and one for the foreclosure auction. I hope there's not more than one house being auctioned!

If I Was The Pony, I Might be Cursing My Flippin' Life, and My Heritage

Thursday morning, I got a text shortly after 8:00, from The Pony, questioning our Errand Day plans. Rather than texting back, I decided on a quick call.

"No, I don't really need any groceries. We'll just do the bank and gas and lottery."

"Guess who just knocked on my door right before 8:00."

"Oh, no! Your dad?"

"No. It was a furnace company. They asked if this was Thevictorian residence. I said yes, and they said, 'We're here to put in your furnace.' I told them I didn't NEED a furnace. That I already had one, but I could believe my dad sent them here. The guy pulled out his phone, and said, 'Well, this is the address, and it even says on the corner.' I told him, 'You need the OTHER corner, at the end of this block.' So they went down there to the flip house."

"Of course. That's your dad!"

"Yep. I saw the guy's phone. Dad had given them MY address!"

"What a pleasant way to wake up. I hate it when people knock on my door!"

"I had just gone to lie down in my second bedroom. You know how it is. Sometimes you just like a change when you're laying around the house doing nothing."

"I figured there would be things like this, knowing your dad, with Lap House so close to your house."

Anyhoo... I knew Lap House was getting the furnace on Thursday. I sent a check with Hick for payment. Renovations are underway. Maybe The Pony should be prepared for tradesmen traffic.

Declarations May Vary

I feel like an overstuffed horse's rumpus! Hick keeps baiting and switching me! It's all about Cheap House. Hick tells me what he thinks that property is worth, and what he'd do to it. I gobble up that info, trusting Hick's judgment. He's done pretty well, you know, flipping houses and putting money in our socks buried in the backyard...pockets...bank account...investment CDs. But then when I least expect it, SWITCH SWITCH SWITCH! Ouch! That smarts!

Tuesday, The Pony came out to celebrate Mother's Day. We picked up Chinese food. I didn't have to do anything. But then Hick said we would have a talk about Cheap House over the meal. The auction is FRIDAY. The Pony already flipped on me, and said it's okay to buy Cheap House, as long as Hick doesn't pay more than our original offer (of $15,000) to the Savings & Loan doing the repossession. And Hick had declared, only a week ago, that on second inspection, he felt like we should only pay $10,000.

Oh, but on Tuesday, Hick was pushing for paying $18,000, upon which he would put about $12,000 to $15,000 into it, just tearing it down to the studs and fixing a hole in the floor and putting in windows where they were broken and boarded.

"WAIT! That means we'll have over $30,000 in it! That's what I thought we could sell it for, really quick. To another flipper. Now you're doing flipper work, when THEY should have to be the ones to put in windows and get it livable. AND we'll be paying insurance on it, and utilities. There's no reason to have TWO flip houses at the same time, when you barely have time to work on ONE. We've had Lap House for TWO MONTHS, and all you've done is turn on gas and electric and water and get insurance and clean a little junk out of the basement. IN TWO MONTHS."

"Val. I can't do it all myself. I'd hire somebody to tear it out."

"That's MORE money. And that's my point. YOU don't have time to do it. You're saying what I just said, like that's some kind of excuse for putting more money into this house."

"Val. We could still sell it for about $40,000. We'd still be making money. I won't turn on the utilities. But we'll have to get insurance, yeah."

"That doesn't seem to me to be a good deal. It will take more of your time away from Lap House, which is where we'll make the money, selling a finished house. I don't think dragging it out, putting time and money into Cheap House, just to make $5000 each (probably less with commissions), is worth all the trouble."

"Mom. Five thousand dollars is a lot of money!"

"Not for everything he'll have to do. He's got too much going on."

"Val. You can't make that kind of money on interest these days."

"You don't have to DO anything to make interest! It takes up none of your time to keep you from your store or the apartments or your side jobs or LAP HOUSE."

"Mom. Really. I'm fine with spending $18,000 and gutting the house. It will still make money."

So here we go again. Val is the odd gal out. I can only hope that there are bidders who want to pay more for this unadvertised house on the courthouse steps. I doubt that Hick is the only flipper that Loan Office notifies of these things.