There Shall Be No Siding with Hick

Later Tuesday evening, when Hick seemed sufficiently recovered from his "broken" arm after Old Buddy's ladder/drill faux pas... I asked if he had any more pictures for me from Cheap House.

"No. I sent you some on Monday. There ain't nothin' new to see."

"What about the siding? That's what I've been waiting for. Pictures with the siding on the back of the house, now that the roof is done."

"I already sent them."

"No. It's just the plywood."

"That's SIDING, Val!"

"We've been through this before. It looks like plywood. I mean the white vinyl siding, like the rest of the house. The part you took off the back around the window, and the siding HOS saved from tearing down that back porch bedroom. You said you were going to use that so everything would match."

"There isn't enough. There's no long pieces."

"Even after you said HOS saved it? That was your plan. To put the same siding back on."

"No. This is the kind I'm using. It's SIDING, Val. It even has a name: [BLAH BLAH BLAH] siding."

"It looks terrible and unfinished. Just like you tried to do on Bargain House without any paint or anything."

"Everybody likes it, Val. They tell me it looks good."

"We've been through this before! Of course your friends are going to say it looks good."

"Realtor Guy said so, too!"

"Of course! He wants to be sure you list it with him!"

"Well, he wants to be sure to get the most for his commission, too!"

"Not a single one of 'my people' like this look. It's like unfinished plywood."

"It's SIDING, Val! And yes, that's how I'm leaving it."

"I bet it will take $2000 off the sale price! Because any flipper will know they have to get siding for the back of the house."

"Whatever."

I call shenanigans! All along, Hick has said he was putting that matching siding back on the house. Now all of a sudden, he can't do it. So he went and bought this wood "siding" to cover the back of the house. An expense we don't need, which makes the house look worse! Also, unless Realtor Guy makes a habit of driving the 20 miles from Bill-Paying Town every day to admire Hick's handiwork, I don't think he's been there since the one time Hick told him we wanted to list it with him. The roof wasn't done yet, and for sure the "siding" wasn't on the back of the house.

Once again, I seek your honest opinion on this look...

Old Buddy Drills Hick on the Cheap House Construction Site

Hick came home Tuesday with an injury. He was whiny and petulant that I did not notice. Like a just-engaged woman flashing her left hand around, Hick milled about the kitchen after carrying in three bags of groceries, waving his right arm.

"You ain't gonna say nothin'?"

"About what? I just came in. Let me set down my purse."

"My arm! Don't you see it?"

"Uh. You have a bandaid?"

"The swelling! It's all puffed up! See?"

"Well... maybe. What happened to you?"

"I went to move the ladder we'd been using over at the house, and a DRILL FELL ON ME! It really hurt. I thought it was broke!"

"You should have gone to the emergency room. Like Old Buddy, heh, heh, every time he doesn't feel good."

"It's HIS FAULT! He left the drill on top of the ladder! I've told him a hundred times not to leave things on the ladder! This is what happens. After a half hour, it quit hurting so bad. So I don't need no doctor."

I saw the bandaid. And I guess a few lumps. I almost felt sorry for Hick. Until we started talking about Cheap House a couple hours later.

More to come...

The Latest Entitled Rumpushole

Oh, how I long for the days of a mere Weirdo Magnet. The weirdos are disconcerting, but they don't draw my ire like an entitled rumpushole. That's one magnet I would like to deactivate. It pulled in a new one on Sunday at 11:00 a.m.

I turned into the Backroads Casey's from the side street by Hick's pharmacy. T-Hoe rolled across the front of the store, headed for the lone handicap space at the far end. WHOA! A silver sedan pulled in from the main street, crossed in front of T-Hoe, and slid into my rightful handicap space. Without benefit of a handicap plate or placard. I'm sure that shocks you. Me, not so much.

I parked T-Hoe on the right side of that silver sedan. It's not an official parking space, but there's room for a couple cars before area where their dumpster sits.

A blond gal got out of the silver sedan's passenger seat. She sauntered inside. No limp or visible different-abledness. She was wearing homemade Daisy Dukes, cut unevenly, but at least barely covering her rumpus cheeks with frayed fringe.

It took me a couple minutes to hobble inside. There was one guy at the counter. The register right by the door was the only one open. I stood behind that guy, leaving room for people entering to walk between us. Here came Daisy carrying two pastries from the donut case.

SHE STEPPED IN FRONT OF ME TO WAIT!

What in the fresh Not-Heaven was this? I was clearly in line. I wasn't standing there to soak up the air conditioning. I wasn't fabricating a shopping list before moving down the aisles. I was THE NEXT CUSTOMER IN LINE!

I wish Genius had been there to not-pick-a-fight with her! An antisocial monster indeed! Maybe that's my newest magnet. An Antisocial Monster Magnet.

Hick and Val, Land Barons in High Demand

Nothing pulls scammers out of the woodwork like buying/selling real estate. I suspect they comb through county records on a regular basis, looking for customers victims. Seems like every time we pick up or unload a new property, we get a letter wanting to buy our land.

Not the land/house we've just bought/sold. Our personal land. Which we've had for over 20 years. Most often, it's an offer to purchase the 10 acres next to the BARn field. The letter we got yesterday was supposedly out of North Carolina. That's what the letterhead said, but there was no postmark on the envelope. Which looked like standard junk mail, with a paid permit out of Florida. Of course that's logical, right? A small business owner from North Carolina having a mailing permit out Florida.

Here's the pitch:

******************************************************************

Dear Hick and Val,

Good land is vanishing fast. Help us keep it in the hands of families, farmers, and people who care for it most.

My name is Phony Baloney, I am an avid fisherman, hunter, outdoorsman and owner of a small, family-run land investing business that buys land directly from landowners like yourself. No realtors, no closing costs, and no months of back-and-forth waiting. We handle everything ourselves and keep the process as simple and straightforward as we can.

I understand how important it is to protect the land that we call home. When we purchase land, we turn around and sell it to folks who will truly put it to good use -- farmers looking to expand their operation, families wanting to build a home and live a more self-sufficient life, homesteaders, hunters, outdoorsmen, and people who just want a quiet piece of ground to call their own. We take pride in knowing that the land we buy ends up in the hands of people who will love and care for it.

I came across your land in Backroads County and am interested in purchasing it for $39,763.86.

We pay cash and can close in as little as 10-15 business days -- which means money in your pocket quicky, without the headaches.

If you have any questions at all -- even just to talk through how the process works -- please don't hesitate to give me a call at xxx xxx xxxx. I'm happy to chat.

If you are excited and ready to move forward, I have included a purchase agreement on the next page with our offer for your land. To proceed this way, please sign the agreement, take a photo and send it back to us by email at xxx@xxxxxxx.com or directly by mail to Address, City, NC 27330.

If you happen to have any other land you've been thinking about selling, I'd love to hear about that as well.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I hope we can speak soon.

Take care and God bless.

Sincerely, 

Phony Baloney

Outdoorsman | Small Business Owner

[there was a small black and white photo of a man and a girl child sitting on an oversize adirondack chair in a field next to a pond]

The enclosed sales contract had the parcel number. The purchase price offered. And terms:

This offer is contingent upon the following terms:

1. Buyer's confirmation and acceptance of legal and physical aspects of the property.

2. This offer shall remain open until 7/17/26 and if not accepted by then, the offer shall be rescinded, unless otherwise discussed.

3. Buyer can take title in any entity of their choosing.

4. Buyer will pay for all closing costs.

***************************************************************

Gosh! What a perfect buyer. So concerned about protecting our land and only selling it to the right people, who will love it and care for it. With no realtors and no closing costs. Yet the "contract" says he will pay all closing costs! And he would love to just chat with us. Probably about hunting and fishing and outdoorsing. I'm sure he spent many hours dwelling on just the right price for our beloved land. No round numbers for this guy!

As with all such offers, this one is going straight into the circular file.

Hick's Harem Has Bats in the Belfry

Hick's phone rang Friday night at 10:07. For a long time. Maybe 12 rings, though I wasn't counting. Hick didn't answer. He went to bed before 9:00. I asked him Saturday morning who had called, and the concept of a call seemed foreign to him.

"Well, you might want to check who it was. Hopefully not your brother needing something in Las Vegas."

"Huh. It was just a gal from the apartments. I think I know what it's about. They might have another bat in the building."

"What does she expect you to do, run over there at 10:30 at night?"

"I don't know. Probably. We had one bat, and one of the guys stomped it."

"You can't really get rid of them, can you? They're protected. I remember my old neighbor telling us about his daughter having them in her house somewhere around Jefferson City. I guess you'd have to call an exterminator, and maybe they could trap them and let them go somewhere else?"

"All you can do is put in a barrier where they can get out, but can't get back in. You're not supposed to trap them or do anything to them. If you're in contact with them, you're supposed to notify the conservation department, because they carry rabies."

"So that guy who stomped it could be in trouble if anybody found out?"

"Probably. He just stomped it and left it there on the floor!"

"I guess he didn't want to touch it."

"I picked it up by the foot and took it outside to put in the dumpster. I don't think that was enough contact that I could get rabies. So I ain't notifyin' anybody."

"Make sure you don't go trying to catch a live one! Rabies is forever. Everybody who gets it dies, unless you get the shots."

"I don't plan on messing with them. I'll have to see where they're getting in, and put something up."

The Harem needs to realize that Hick is not their 24/7/365 bat-buster. He's not on call.

I say if a bat is close enough to stomp, all BATS are off! That's not normal behavior. For a bat to be around people, I mean. Not for a person fighting to save himself from a possibly deadly bat bite.

It Must be Hereditary

Scarcely a week after Val's encounter with two line-jumping rumpusholes... Genius had his own situation in Pittsburgh. He sent me a text Saturday morning at 8:11 (my time).

"I've picked up your rumpushole magnet behavior. I'm waiting at the post office to drop off a package, and an old lady just walked up, greeted me, and then CUT IN FRONT OF ME! Now I have to evaluate whether to pick a fight with an old lady, or let her get away with being an antisocial monster. We're in line for the "opens at 9AM" post office that's still not open."

"Heh, heh. Let it go. Because YOU would look like the rumpushole."

"Yeah. Exactly. I wouldn't actually pick the fight but still..."

"Like me with the ice cream man. I definitely feel your ire. Monday, a guy in a black sports car almost hit me while I was standing in the yellow-striped handicap walkway at Casey's. He backed up, then PARKED there when I got in T-Hoe, despite a plethora of open spaces closer to the door, including the actual handicap space, for which he had no plate or placard."

"Don't get me started on entitled parkers! Especially in bike lanes!"

"Watch out for doors being flung open!"

Genius recently got an e-Bike, which he rides to work. And took on a 22-mile ride on his day off. Another thing for me to worry about, now with the manifestation of his rumpushole magnet.

Not As Promised

Not only did Hick skate on his promise to get me pictures Thursday afternoon (in favor of seeking cheap chairs on Facebook) of the back of Cheap House... he also "forgot" to go by on the way home Friday afternoon. Even though he was within half a block of Cheap House after his Friday Afternoon Bull-Shooting Session with his cronies.

All I have to show are two pictures taken Wednesday. Hick says nothing much is different, except he took the board off the window.

Hick has covered an opening where there was old white siding and insulation, after tearing them out. Under the "newest" siding (that he will be putting back on) was this brick-look tarpaper stuff. Heh, heh. In sending myself the picture through my email, my subject line was autocorrected from tarpaper brick to taxpayer brick. If only!

Here's the back of the house, showing the new roof line after that flat-roofed "porch" of a bedroom was torn off. Neither Hick nor the roofers seem to be in any hurry to clean up their respective messes! You can see that Hick still has the window and the door area covered. He has put the louvered vent thingy back in above the window.

This picture was taken from the off-street parking that is accessed by an alley. There IS actual fencing to go with that gate. Hick took it down so the roofers could get their truck in the back yard. He will put the fence up again when work is finished.

I'm hoping to get more pictures, but first I suppose more work must be done! Like the door being installed. And the siding put back on. No telling when that will happen. Hick has plans for Tuesday that include a trip to the city for either his not-quite-free cabinets, or more likely stuff he's buying from that guy. Since I think the cabinets depend on notification from the guy's kitchen remodelers. 

I'm not sure how much Hick and Old Buddy can get done in their regularly-scheduled three hours on Monday.