Make. It. STAHHHP!

Once we walked into the Savings & Loan, we had no problems acquiring Cheap House. The paperwork consisted of a two-page document, stapled together, needing only Hick's signature and mine. How in the Not-Heaven did that take 17 days (since the foreclosure auction on the courthouse steps) to get ready?

Loan Officer pushed a pen across his glass-topped desk to each of us. We signed our single signature and sat back. You KNOW I was planning on taking that pen with me. And Hick's too. They have loads of those things, for promotional purposes. Especially after THE VIRUS, when nobody wanted to touch anybody else's pen unless it was given a Silkwood shower with GermX, and hermetically sealed in a ziploc bag and left to sit for seven days.

The gal who brought the papers to Loan Officer's desk took our cashier's check for $15,000. Then she whisked away to get us a handwritten receipt on an index-card size note torn off a pad with the Savings & Loan logo. A receipt like we just bought a chotchke at a flea market. She said she was going to walk the papers across the corner to the courthouse to get them recorded. We could wait, or Hick could pick them up later. Which he said he would.

THAT'S A PROBLEM! But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hick took the receipt, but then took out his phone, and started showing pictures of what he's doing to Cheap House. Loan Officer leaned forward for a closer look, then REACHED OUT AND TOOK BACK BOTH PENS!!!

What a petty little persnickety man! I don't mean that in a bad way. He's a nice guy. We got our loan from him to build our hillbilly mansion way back in 1997. We paid back every penny. Early! And he couldn't even begrudge us two free pens 29 years later???

Anyhoo... Loan Officer started telling Hick of another possible foreclosure. AND HICK TALKED ABOUT GETTING IT!

No. Nope. Absolutely not. We already have TWO flips right now. I do not like the thought of Hick chatting with Loan Officer when I'm not around.

Thevictorians Are Now the Not-So-Proud Legal Owners of Cheap House

It's ours! Finally. Legally. Hick and I signed the papers on Wednesday afternoon. More on that story eventually. Today we take a look at the back porch. Technically, the lack of a back porch. It has been ripped off.

The floor/ceiling still has to be removed. Hick said HOS and buddy took the metal off the porch roof. It's in the yard. Hick will bring it home and use it for projects that I don't even want to think about. There were shingles under the metal, which will have to go to the landfill, since they missed getting them in the dumpster. The boards of the floor and roof will be saved by Hick. Right now that's the roof boards sitting on top of the floor boards.

I asked Hick why it looks like there's a big hole in the house roof by his "new" wall. He said, "Because there's a big hole in the house roof."

"Won't it leak when it rains???"

"It was already leaking when it rained! There's wood under that opening. It gets wet and leaks. The roofers should be able to start next week. That'll take care of it."

The area of white shingles is where the back door will be. That's the kitchen. There's already a window covered with a square of plywood because it was broken. Hick had his glass guy fix two windows, and will be putting that one back in after the roofing is done.

It's coming along. I'm ready to get it on the market!

We Might Legally Own Cheap House Now!

By the time you read this, we might legally own Cheap House. It's been a long time since last October when Hick first got his hopes up. Monday he talked to Loan Officer, who said the papers were ready, and he thought all they needed were HICK'S signature. But he'd call and let him know after further checking. Tuesday, Loan Officer said that I must also sign, because I'm married to Hick. But that The Pony won't need to sign.

I don't want The Pony to think we're cutting him out of this deal! Supposedly all three of our names will be on the deed. Hick thinks we don't all need to sign, because we're not doing it at a title company, and all the debts were washed clean during the foreclosure. Whatever. Hick will meet me over in Bill-Paying Town on Wednesday afternoon, after my leg therapy. Right now the $15,000 cashier's check is sitting here waiting to be spent! Hick says we don't owe the $500 in property taxes until THIS year, which makes sense, because we will be OWNING it this year.

Meanwhile, expensive work continues on Cheap House. HOS (Hick's Oldest Son) and buddy have already removed the outer siding of the back porch and set it aside to be used on the "new" back of the house. They've torn out the ceiling insulation, and are ready for the walls, and to rip the whole "back porch" room down.

Hick had them save the windows for him to use elsewhere. The roof will be altered to slant down from that peak and tie in with the rest of the house back, once this addition is subtracted. Hick was hoping it could be done for around $10,000. The quote from his roof guy was $12,750. We're going with it. I think Hick sometimes thinks in terms of "cost" and doesn't consider that the roof guy will have to pay his workers and make a little profit. This will be a whole new roof, the sooner the better, since one area leaks with every rain. It will be a shingle roof, not metal. It's cheaper when you consider the angles that will be added to tie in the back without porch room. Metal is more complicated for that.

There's the inside, with Hick and Old Buddy's newly-built wall at the back. They'll use the saved matching siding to cover it. HOS and buddy have to tear down those rafters and roof and walls and floor. This may be done while the roofers are on the house roof, if they can start that job so soon. Hick didn't say progress would be held up until the porch was off.

The Barber of the Kill

With summer fast approaching, and Hick providing my warm-weather coiffure, I harken back to yesteryear, when Hick gave summer haircuts to the boys. Whether they wanted them or not. Somewhere Hick came to possess a set of hair clippers. He had often mentioned that he might set up his own little barbershop out here, if he could find time to go to "barber school."

The older boys took it well. They were 4-6 years old when I first met Hick when we lived in the same apartment complex. HOS and The (Little Future) Veteran were rough-and-tumble boys. They liked shooting BB guns and looking for snakes and lizards and arrowheads. A summer buzzcut as soon as school was out was not something they looked forward to, but was readily accepted.

Our two later boys were not so accepting. The command to "Go get a towel" was met with heavy sighs, resignation, a ducked head, and slow feet. Genius and The Pony were not exactly prissy, but cared more about appearances. Genius begged to wear a vest and bowtie for kindergarten picture day. The Pony refused jeans for his entire school career, only wanting khakis or cargo pants/shorts.

Hick would take them out on the back porch, so the fallen hair dropped through the cracks. The towel was to drape around their shirtless shoulders, and prevent itching and squirming. Actually, there was not much squirming, because the boys were AFRAID of Hick and his clippers. He was not the most gentle or conscientious amateur barber. One year, he nicked The 4-year-old Pony's ear. Blood and tears flowed with equal speed. In true Hick fashion, he said, "If I hurt you, I'm sorry." What in the Not-Heaven? I think drawing blood certainly counts as hurting! So that apology did not need conditions!

Anyhoo... the next summer when Hick told The Pony to "Go get a towel," The Pony reluctantly returned with it draped across his forearms, carrying it to the back porch to his imagined doom.

"This is to catch the blooood," solemnly declared a subdued little Pony.

Hick Is Half a Silver-Tongued Devil

Hick is not known for his tact. Especially where Val is concerned. He speaks without thinking, and then tries to justify his words. I'm hoping. The alternative is that he says these things WITH prior thinking!

Saturday evening, I asked about his meeting with his "roof guy" about Cheap House.

"So what's the price for a new roof?"

"I don't know yet. He looked at it, and said he'd give me the estimate by Monday. While I had him there, I asked him about tearing off the back porch. What he could do it for. I told him HOS [Hick's Oldest Son] and his buddy gave me a price of $1500. He said I should take that, because I wouldn't get it any cheaper."

"So you told him somebody else's estimate? That doesn't seem fair. Can HOS and his buddy even do that kind of work? I thought they might need a backhoe or bobcat to tear it down."

"Oh, yeah. They can do it. It's just pulling down lumber. They won't even need the dumpster. The city already said I could burn the wood in the back yard, as long as I don't burn any shingles. They'll finish with the dumpster in time. They just have the old drywall left to put in it."

"Well, I don't want them to get hurt trying to do something they're not used to."

"It HAS to come down, Val. You haven't seen that back porch. Not to be mean, but it looks like YOU built it!"

"That is NOT a very nice thing to say! So much for not being mean!"

"No. I just mean it looks like a kindergartener did it."

"You're not helping yourself..."

"Somebody who has no idea how to build! That's all I meant. It's falling off..."

"You could have just said that. And not put MY name into it! Did HOS and his buddy find anything they wanted when they cleaned out the house?"

"A few knick-knack kind of things. They sold $125 in junk metal. HOS took one of the dryers home to use. They had a buddy who wanted the refrigerator. HOS said they took it to the carwash and cleaned it, but it's still not a prize."

Good thing Hick didn't say that refrigerator looked like something I would have...

Oh. No.

Here it is, Saturday morning as I sit typing, and still no word on when we will be signing papers to own Cheap House. Or, you know, just showing up with a personal check and no obligation to sign anything, according to Hick's original perception. That's the thing with Hick. His proclamations and declarations and assessment of a situation always CHANGE.

After being so sure we would close on Thursday or Friday, after his conversation Wednesday with Loan Officer... Hick recanted Thursday night. 

"Loan Officer said it should be at the end of this week, or early next week."

"You said it would be Thursday or Friday!"

"Well, that's when the gal said she'd send the papers. So I thought it would be then. But Loan Officer DID say later this week, or early next week."

"You'll need to have time to get a cashier's check."

"I ain't worried about a cashier's check. I can just walk across the street and get one from the main bank."

Right now I'm guessing that the closing won't be on Monday. I doubt the Savings & Loan assumes every client will just walk across the street for a cashier's check. I imagine they notify them to allow time for such things.

Besides, I have something more serious to worry about. Also sprung on me Thursday night.

"This new house has a really weird floor plan. The living room is in front, with a bedroom. And you walk down a hall to the kitchen in the back. Off the kitchen is what has to be the other bedroom. But it has a door to the outside! Nobody wants a door to the outside in their bedroom!" [Let the record show that our own home, built by Hick, has a set of French doors that exit onto the back of our wraparound porch.] 

I was thinkin', I could make it just like the other one. The hall is plenty wide. I could make both front rooms the bedrooms. Fit in another bathroom. The hall leads to the kitchen, and the living room would be off the kitchen, with that door to the outside. So you'd have a back entrance right into the living room."

"WAIT a minute! Isn't that something for the next flipper to decide? I thought we were only fixing up the structure, and selling it quick, as a flip. You already have that other house to work on."

"I'm just sayin', Val, that Loan Officer said this house would sell at $130,000 to $145,00 if it was all fixed up."

"You don't need two flips at once!"

Hick wisely shut down his campaign to keep Cheap House. I said we would get the basics done, then list it for 2-3 months. If we didn't get any offers, THEN we could consider finishing it. The Pony is on my side this time.

Meanwhile, Hick's roof guy is meeting him at 5:00 tonight to give an estimate on a new roof for Cheap House.

The Continuing Quest to Legally Purchase Cheap House

It's been two weeks since Hick was the only prospective buyer to show up at the courthouse steps foreclosure auction of Cheap House. Not a single signature has been put to paper. We THINK we're buying this house for $15,500, per verbal agreements and the previous paperwork.

Meanwhile, Hick has forged ahead. Bought padlocks, bought lumber and boarded up broken windows, turned on the electricity. He paid HOS-and-buddy $500 for the completed cleanout of junk. Rented a $650 industrial dumpster. Paid $634.55 for six months of insurance. Paid $150 for trimming a tree that rubbed on the roof. HOS-and-buddy are now tearing out ceilings and walls. I haven't heard their price for that.

WE HAD BETTER OWN THIS HOUSE!

Hick keeps telling me it's a done deal. He went by the Savings & Loan on Wednesday. Loan Officer called the title company. "She" said they were getting the papers ready, and should have them Thursday or Friday, and would send them over. It is Thursday afternoon as I type this. Still no word. Hick thinks the closing will be at the Savings & Loan, which is fine with me. I just want a closing! CLOSURE, if you will!

Meanwhile, Hick has been puttering around, checking on the progress of HOS-and-buddy, and deciding what he wants to do with Cheap House. One thing for sure is to tear off the back porch, which was converted into a bedroom.

"I was looking around on the porch, and I found a billfold! It has three different social security cards, and two different driver's licenses. They was all for a woman. I took it over to the police station. The gal there went and got an officer, who was also a gal. She looked through it, and then said, 'So? What do you want me to do with it?' 

I thought that was a stupid question. It wasn't mine. I didn't want that in my possession. I wanted to point out that it was in a house where a convicted methamphetamine manufacturer had lived! You'd think they might want to know that. Or see if any of those identities were connected to crimes."

I guess it's a wonder that guy got caught at all!