Hick and Val, Land Barons in High Demand

Nothing pulls scammers out of the woodwork like buying/selling real estate. I suspect they comb through county records on a regular basis, looking for customers victims. Seems like every time we pick up or unload a new property, we get a letter wanting to buy our land.

Not the land/house we've just bought/sold. Our personal land. Which we've had for over 20 years. Most often, it's an offer to purchase the 10 acres next to the BARn field. The letter we got yesterday was supposedly out of North Carolina. That's what the letterhead said, but there was no postmark on the envelope. Which looked like standard junk mail, with a paid permit out of Florida. Of course that's logical, right? A small business owner from North Carolina having a mailing permit out Florida.

Here's the pitch:

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Dear Hick and Val,

Good land is vanishing fast. Help us keep it in the hands of families, farmers, and people who care for it most.

My name is Phony Baloney, I am an avid fisherman, hunter, outdoorsman and owner of a small, family-run land investing business that buys land directly from landowners like yourself. No realtors, no closing costs, and no months of back-and-forth waiting. We handle everything ourselves and keep the process as simple and straightforward as we can.

I understand how important it is to protect the land that we call home. When we purchase land, we turn around and sell it to folks who will truly put it to good use -- farmers looking to expand their operation, families wanting to build a home and live a more self-sufficient life, homesteaders, hunters, outdoorsmen, and people who just want a quiet piece of ground to call their own. We take pride in knowing that the land we buy ends up in the hands of people who will love and care for it.

I came across your land in Backroads County and am interested in purchasing it for $39,763.86.

We pay cash and can close in as little as 10-15 business days -- which means money in your pocket quicky, without the headaches.

If you have any questions at all -- even just to talk through how the process works -- please don't hesitate to give me a call at xxx xxx xxxx. I'm happy to chat.

If you are excited and ready to move forward, I have included a purchase agreement on the next page with our offer for your land. To proceed this way, please sign the agreement, take a photo and send it back to us by email at xxx@xxxxxxx.com or directly by mail to Address, City, NC 27330.

If you happen to have any other land you've been thinking about selling, I'd love to hear about that as well.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I hope we can speak soon.

Take care and God bless.

Sincerely, 

Phony Baloney

Outdoorsman | Small Business Owner

[there was a small black and white photo of a man and a girl child sitting on an oversize adirondack chair in a field next to a pond]

The enclosed sales contract had the parcel number. The purchase price offered. And terms:

This offer is contingent upon the following terms:

1. Buyer's confirmation and acceptance of legal and physical aspects of the property.

2. This offer shall remain open until 7/17/26 and if not accepted by then, the offer shall be rescinded, unless otherwise discussed.

3. Buyer can take title in any entity of their choosing.

4. Buyer will pay for all closing costs.

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Gosh! What a perfect buyer. So concerned about protecting our land and only selling it to the right people, who will love it and care for it. With no realtors and no closing costs. Yet the "contract" says he will pay all closing costs! And he would love to just chat with us. Probably about hunting and fishing and outdoorsing. I'm sure he spent many hours dwelling on just the right price for our beloved land. No round numbers for this guy!

As with all such offers, this one is going straight into the circular file.

Hick's Harem Has Bats in the Belfry

Hick's phone rang Friday night at 10:07. For a long time. Maybe 12 rings, though I wasn't counting. Hick didn't answer. He went to bed before 9:00. I asked him Saturday morning who had called, and the concept of a call seemed foreign to him.

"Well, you might want to check who it was. Hopefully not your brother needing something in Las Vegas."

"Huh. It was just a gal from the apartments. I think I know what it's about. They might have another bat in the building."

"What does she expect you to do, run over there at 10:30 at night?"

"I don't know. Probably. We had one bat, and one of the guys stomped it."

"You can't really get rid of them, can you? They're protected. I remember my old neighbor telling us about his daughter having them in her house somewhere around Jefferson City. I guess you'd have to call an exterminator, and maybe they could trap them and let them go somewhere else?"

"All you can do is put in a barrier where they can get out, but can't get back in. You're not supposed to trap them or do anything to them. If you're in contact with them, you're supposed to notify the conservation department, because they carry rabies."

"So that guy who stomped it could be in trouble if anybody found out?"

"Probably. He just stomped it and left it there on the floor!"

"I guess he didn't want to touch it."

"I picked it up by the foot and took it outside to put in the dumpster. I don't think that was enough contact that I could get rabies. So I ain't notifyin' anybody."

"Make sure you don't go trying to catch a live one! Rabies is forever. Everybody who gets it dies, unless you get the shots."

"I don't plan on messing with them. I'll have to see where they're getting in, and put something up."

The Harem needs to realize that Hick is not their 24/7/365 bat-buster. He's not on call.

I say if a bat is close enough to stomp, all BATS are off! That's not normal behavior. For a bat to be around people, I mean. Not for a person fighting to save himself from a possibly deadly bat bite.

It Must be Hereditary

Scarcely a week after Val's encounter with two line-jumping rumpusholes... Genius had his own situation in Pittsburgh. He sent me a text Saturday morning at 8:11 (my time).

"I've picked up your rumpushole magnet behavior. I'm waiting at the post office to drop off a package, and an old lady just walked up, greeted me, and then CUT IN FRONT OF ME! Now I have to evaluate whether to pick a fight with an old lady, or let her get away with being an antisocial monster. We're in line for the "opens at 9AM" post office that's still not open."

"Heh, heh. Let it go. Because YOU would look like the rumpushole."

"Yeah. Exactly. I wouldn't actually pick the fight but still..."

"Like me with the ice cream man. I definitely feel your ire. Monday, a guy in a black sports car almost hit me while I was standing in the yellow-striped handicap walkway at Casey's. He backed up, then PARKED there when I got in T-Hoe, despite a plethora of open spaces closer to the door, including the actual handicap space, for which he had no plate or placard."

"Don't get me started on entitled parkers! Especially in bike lanes!"

"Watch out for doors being flung open!"

Genius recently got an e-Bike, which he rides to work. And took on a 22-mile ride on his day off. Another thing for me to worry about, now with the manifestation of his rumpushole magnet.

Not As Promised

Not only did Hick skate on his promise to get me pictures Thursday afternoon (in favor of seeking cheap chairs on Facebook) of the back of Cheap House... he also "forgot" to go by on the way home Friday afternoon. Even though he was within half a block of Cheap House after his Friday Afternoon Bull-Shooting Session with his cronies.

All I have to show are two pictures taken Wednesday. Hick says nothing much is different, except he took the board off the window.

Hick has covered an opening where there was old white siding and insulation, after tearing them out. Under the "newest" siding (that he will be putting back on) was this brick-look tarpaper stuff. Heh, heh. In sending myself the picture through my email, my subject line was autocorrected from tarpaper brick to taxpayer brick. If only!

Here's the back of the house, showing the new roof line after that flat-roofed "porch" of a bedroom was torn off. Neither Hick nor the roofers seem to be in any hurry to clean up their respective messes! You can see that Hick still has the window and the door area covered. He has put the louvered vent thingy back in above the window.

This picture was taken from the off-street parking that is accessed by an alley. There IS actual fencing to go with that gate. Hick took it down so the roofers could get their truck in the back yard. He will put the fence up again when work is finished.

I'm hoping to get more pictures, but first I suppose more work must be done! Like the door being installed. And the siding put back on. No telling when that will happen. Hick has plans for Tuesday that include a trip to the city for either his not-quite-free cabinets, or more likely stuff he's buying from that guy. Since I think the cabinets depend on notification from the guy's kitchen remodelers. 

I'm not sure how much Hick and Old Buddy can get done in their regularly-scheduled three hours on Monday.

I'll Believe It when I See It

You were supposed to get a view of the back of Cheap House today. Sadly, the photographer was distracted by something shiny. 

Hick went to work on putting in the door, and getting the siding on the back. He said he was called away to a water leak at the senior apartments. They sure are demanding, for just over $300 per month! And Hick was able to text me at 11:29 after finishing his Father's Day lunch at the Senior Center. He SAID he was going back by Cheap House to get the pictures. But instead went down by his SUS2.5 to look at some chairs and stuff a guy had on Facebook.

I know this, because I called Hick went he sent the text. He was digesting his food, and listening to what sounded like a barbershop trio. He said he had live entertainment of three guys singing. Anyhoo... Hick also said he'd had Realtor Guy at Cheap House to talk about listing it. That's the highlight, I think.

"Realtor Guy said he had a guy who would be interested. It's two guys who flip houses like we do. Right now they have their money in a big house in the city, listed for $350,000. He says they've been asking him for smaller properties. They pay between $40 to $50 per square foot. And Cheap House is around 1000 square feet. So Realtor Guy says he thinks they will want it. He said to call him when I'm ready to list, and he'll get pictures. I told him there's a couple things I still want to do, like the floor and the windows.

I also told Realtor Guy that we should be ready to list Lap House in about one-and-a-half months. The electricity got hooked up today, so I can start working in it."

Well. That's all news to ME! I can't imagine Hick will have Cheap House on the market, and get Lap House ready in such a short time. Especially with all his side trips to do other things at the drop of a hat.

I'd probably be quite safe if I declared I would eat that hat if Cheap House and Lap House are both up with an active listing by August 1st.

Hick's FREEbie Magnet Loses Its Charge

I can't remember if I told this story here. You may be getting a partial re-run. That's what happens in the summer, right? We're all old enough to remember only three TV stations, and how the summer programs were repeats.

Anyhoo... Hick has a "rich" acquaintance in the city who is getting rid of some collector items. He's been up there three times already. He takes Old Buddy with him, to help load stuff. 

"Do you pay Old Buddy his $15 an hour for this?"

"No. He gets to ride along. And there's stuff he wants to buy, too. So he gets a free ride, and contact with this guy, in exchange for helping me carry my stuff."

I don't even know what items Hick has been "collecting" there. My interest is in what he told me he could get for FREE.

"While we were talking, I found out this guy is renovating his kitchen. He said he's getting all new cabinets and appliances. The cabinets he has are good ones. I asked what was going to happen to the things they tear out. He said, 'The people doing the kitchen will get rid of them.' I said it was a shame to throw them away. I asked if I could buy them. He said I could HAVE them! Cabinets, and a gas range and a refrigerator and a microwave. He said he'll have to figure out when they're doing it, and I'll have to come get them that day. That they'll set them outside, and I have to pick them up."

"That might be hard, for you to rush up there on a moment's notice, with Old Buddy and your trailer. It takes over an hour to get there."

"Yeah. I'm going to ask him on my next trip up there if we can work something out. If he can leave them until I get there later that day, or the next morning."

Last week, Hick made another trip the the rich house. He came home telling a different story.

"Remember them cabinets and stuff I was going to get? They ain't free no more! Apparently the guy had told me I could have them without talking to his wife about it."

"Oh, no! Can you still get them? What will it cost?"

"I can have them for $400."

"WHAT? That's nothing! I can't believe they only want $400 for cabinets, fridge, range, and microwave! Does his wife know he told you that price?"

"She was standin' right there when he said it. So I guess it's okay with her."

"I bet he's getting an earful from her right now."

Still, that's a pretty good bargain. Hick said he will use some of the cabinets in Lap House. And probably the range, since Lap House has gas. Likely the refrigerator and microwave, too. You can't pass up an opportunity like this. I hope there's not another price increase...

Shingles for the Cheap

Cheap House has a new roof. The crew started last Tuesday, and finished up on Monday. We had a bit of rain Friday, but they already had the decking down, and the tarpaper. Hick stopped by and said the inside was dry. Which it wouldn't have been, since the old roof leaked every rain.

There's not much to see on a new roof. Hick got some pictures Monday morning.

This is from the back corner. The opposite side from the snake neighbor. That might be Old Buddy's head. I'm not sure what Hick's roofing guy looks like. I thought he was younger.

There's the back of the house, where the old porch/bedroom was torn off. Obviously, this is before the roofers did their cleanup.

This is the other back corner, on the side of the snake neighbor. 

This view is from the back yard. That might be SilverRedO with Hick's lumber. He couldn't close up that back wall until the roofers were done enough not to be tossing stuff down on him and Old Buddy. He still needs to tear off the rest of the old siding, put in a door and a window, and then put the matching siding on the back wall.

At least the water damage is stopped. There's a new roof to tout for the hopefully-soon listing. And Hick can patch the outside, and start fixing the floor on the inside.

Sorry, Lap House. You're on the back burner.