Modem Day Hero

Thursday was problematic for Val. It was the day of my three-month-awaited appointment with an orthopedic surgeon about my knee. We had thunder and lightning and 3 INCHES OF RAIN all day Wednesday and through the night into Thursday morning. I was concerned the water might be up too much and prevent me from making the appointment.

I knew the creek would be over the low water bridge. But we have another way out in the other direction. Our bridge by the mailboxes doesn't flood, but water covers our gravel road that runs alongside the creek. Depending on how deep, we should not drive in it. Also, there's a tiny concrete bridge over a tributary wet-weather creek at the bottom of Hick and Buddy's Badly Blacktopped Hill. It has prevented crossing in the past.

Hick left home around 6:00, to check on the water situation, before our departure at 8:00. Because that's what Hicks do: they drive out into the water to see if the water is too deep. Hick found the tiny bridge with about a foot of water over it. Not recommended for driving, but it's only about five feet in length, and you can usually have either front or back tires on the unflooded ground while crossing. He went over it.

Down along the creek, before getting to Mailbox Row, Hick discovered a problem. The water, he said, was "only six inches deep." Again, not recommended for walking in, but Hick got out of SilverRedO to remove the problem: a big log in the road with water flowing around it. The road here is level, so the force of the water was spread out, not a swift current. Hick got the log off to the edge of the road, where there's usually a strip of ground with trees, holding the water in the creek.

We were able to get through to the county blacktop road, and were on time for the appointment. Thanks to Hick's advance planning. That wasn't his only act of heroism that day!

When I got home from the appointment at 10:30, I went about my usual morning routine of sitting down with HIPPIE at the kitchen table, enjoying some oatmeal and a banana and innernetting. But wait! Something was wrong! I had no internet service!!!

HIPPIE is cantankerous in his old age. I think he's almost 10! I tried all my usual fixes. Which include connecting and disconnecting from the internet. Then a couple of re-starts and shut downs. Fiddling with a couple of settings, turning them on and off. Waiting for 1 hour to elapse, which often sees my internet connection restored miraculously. I even gave up on HIPPIE, and fired up my "new" laptop that The Pony got me a couple Christmases ago. No internet on NEWBIE, either.

I even resorted to calling DISH NETWORK! That's our internet provider. Has its own satellite. I found the number in my phone, an old email telling me my bill was ready. About the only thing I discovered there was that my modem showed no power. Of course the gal wanted me to walk down those 13 rail-less basement steps to tell her the lights showing on the modem, and unplug and replug it, and me just having come from an orthopedist appointment for a gimpy knee!

Anyhoo... the DISH rep said that short power outages don't give the modem time to reset. They need a hard reset, unplugged for two minutes. I recalled that the previous evening, the power had gone off five times, but had come right back on. My internet was still working then. I guess the same thing happened again through the early morning hours, which is what temporarily killed the modem.

Well. You know whose job THAT is! Hick is the modem resuscitator. I called Hick, and while I was in town that afternoon, he came home and FIXED IT for me before taking little Pepper out to run around in the yard with Jack. At least we have grass, so they didn't get muddy. Hick's hero status was not sullied.

Don't Trust a Gift House in the Lap (Part 4)

When we last convened, Hick and Val were holding their respective breaths, waiting to see if Some Guy would indeed show up at the title office to sign paperwork to sell Lap House to us as per the verbal agreement. I don't like stringing you along like this, but to put ALL the details in one post would be quite unwieldy.

SOME GUY SIGNED THE PAPERS!

But before he did, he'd made several more calls to Hick. He was worried that his truck deal would be off. Hick promised that the truck deal was still on. "I'll give you the money tomorrow. $2000. It's fine. No problems there. I'll bring it to you."

Hick just opened a whole new can of worms! Or maybe it was the old worms, which Hick had tried to keep in the can, but kept crawling out until they demanded my attention. 

The way Hick had presented the truck information to me was that he was trading two guns from his shop to Some Guy for his old pickup truck. Which he would then sell to Old Buddy, to be paid for by physical labor. Old Buddy also helps Hick with maintenance of the senior apartments, out of Hick's pocket. That was not quite the truth! (Are you shocked? I think not. I will not be investing in smelling salts stock.)

My first truck clue came when Hick asked, 

"How are we getting the $2000 to buy the truck?"

"What do you mean? YOU are the one buying the truck. I thought you were making a trade."

"No. WE are buying the truck. And Old Buddy will pay us back by working on the house."

"You never told me that!"

"I did too. I sent you the text last night from the auction. So you knew."

Here's the text: "Got all papers signed and started i told him I'd by the truck tomorrow"

That's straight from the Hick's fingers. Nothing in there says that WE are buying a truck.

"I have enough money to pay him, but I have to have it back by tomorrow, because I'm going to Illinois to pick up an order."

"I didn't know this was part of the house deal. We might just as well have paid him what he asked for at first."

"Then we wouldn't have the truck."

"Where IS the truck? You're not going to license it, are you?"

"No. I'll get the title. Then Old Buddy gets it when he's worked it off. It's over behind the house. It don't run."

"You bought a truck that doesn't run, to give to somebody else, but we're paying for it. That will be really hard to keep track of on the flip house expenses. And what about Pony's part?"

"I'll write his hours down on my paper every month that I give you. It's just not actual money I paid him out of my pocket. So I won't get it back."

"The truck doesn't even run!"

"It was in a wreck. It has front end damage. And a safety switch that needs to be replaced."

"I don't know how Old Buddy is going to fix it up and get it off our new property, without you paying him so he has money to fix it up! The city will probably send you a nasty letter about a nuisance vehicle. You know how they love to find things wrong with your properties."

"It will be fine, Val. Old Buddy said he wanted the truck."

A call to The Pony with this revelation garnered the following response:

"I'M not buying a junk truck for Old Buddy!"

We're off on another adventure...

Don't Trust a Gift House in the Lap (Part 3)

On Monday at 11:00, Hick came home early to take little Pepper to his first puppy appointment at the vet. He had no sooner come in the door than his phone rang. It was Some Guy. I could hear the whole conversation.

Some Guy was expecting Hick to pay him cash TODAY for Lap House! He said, "Like we talked about yesterday." Hick reminded him that he'd said he'd have to ask me about the cash issue. And I said no! If Hick was my detective partner, he'd always be Good Cop, and I'd be Bad Cop.

Hick explained that we would only do a regular cashier's check to the title office, once the title cleared. Some Guy asked if we could give HIM the cashier's check. No. He would get one from the title company. Then he asked if Hick could do the deal for less at the title office, and pay him $10,000 in cash. Because he was worried about his taxes on the house.

Hick explained that we would only do the standard deal, for the amount agreed upon. That Some Guy would NOT be cheated out of any money. Once the papers were signed, we were legally responsible to pay him his money, as long at the house title was clean.

It took several calls, with Some Guy saying he needed to talk it over. Asking Hick about taxes. Hick said he was not a tax expert. That there's a tax guy with an office over by Casey's who does his business taxes and only charges him $10. Maybe Some Guy should go talk to him with tax questions.

The longer this went on, with me being Bad Cop every time Hick opened his mouth, the more I got a read on Some Guy.

"I don't think he's trying to weasel out, or cheat us. I think he just doesn't understand how this works, and he's nervous. He acts like he thinks the tax bill is due tomorrow. It will be on next year's taxes. He's not considering he'll have the house money to set some aside to pay it. He may not owe much.

Maybe you should tell him that you can reschedule that title office appointment later in the week. So he doesn't feel rushed. Maybe he can actually talk to a tax person before then. I'd even pay the $10 or $20 for him to get tax advice."

"Yeah. I'll call him back in a bit and tell him we don't have to rush into it today. Or maybe the gal at the title office can explain it to him."

Still waiting to see what happens this afternoon...

Don't Trust a Gift House in the Lap (Part 2)

On Sunday, Some Guy was back at Hick's SUS2.5. Not about the truck deal, but about the house. As if we need anything else to worry about.

"Some Guy was there again. He said a buddy told him that he'll have to pay taxes on the money he gets for the house. Maybe up to 30%. I told him yeah, he'll get taxed for what he makes off the house. I don't know how much. He asked if we could write the sale for less. For $15,000. And pay him the rest in cash. I told him I didn't think so. But I needed to talk it over with you."

"The point isn't if we are ABLE to do it. But if we WILL do it. That amount of sale will be recorded. It will look like we bought a $15,000 house. Then when WE sell it, that will look like a much bigger profit. WE are the ones who will get taxed on it then."

"He said if he had lived in it for two years, he wouldn't have to pay the taxes. I said that's right, too bad he couldn't do that, but he said his name wasn't on the title then."

"So he's particular about how he wants to cheat on the taxes, heh, heh! I don't like the idea of cash. It will be hard to get. The bank tracks every withdrawal over $1000. There will be a record that we took out a lot of cash. You'll probably have to ask for it ahead of time. It might set us up for a tax audit in the future."

"One of my buddies said he took out a lot of money to buy a car for cash. The teller asked him what it was for, and he said, 'None of your damn business! It's MY money!' So they have to give it to you."

"I'll call The Pony, since we're partners in this. Just to get another opinion."

The Pony heard the story, and said, "Sounds like tax fraud to me. But I don't care either way."

We have decided this is not an option for us. It's either done like a regular real estate deal, with a cashier's check, or we are out.

As of this writing, it's Sunday night. On Monday, Hick will tell Some Guy (if he shows up at the title office) that we expect a regular (legal) agreement and purchase, or he can sell to his other (higher offer) buyer. I seriously doubt that somebody else will hand over that much cash.

Don't Trust a Gift House in the Lap (Part 1)

On Thursday, Hick made a handshake deal with Some Guy to purchase Lap House. That's a flip house that fell into Hick's lap on Monday, a house inherited by Some Guy from a friend who passed away. They agreed to meet at the title office for an appointment the following Monday to draw up legal paperwork.

On Saturday, Hick came home from his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5) with a hope-dampening tale.

"Some Guy was at my unit today. I'd told him I'd trade him for a truck he has. He wanted a couple of my guns. He come in an picked out the most expensive one, and said, 'I'll take this one, and another one.' I told him, 'Well, I haven't had a chance to look at the truck yet. So it will have to wait.'"

"Oh, no! Now he'll be disgruntled, and might not go through with the house deal!"

"No. He also come in sayin' that another guy had offered him more for the house. Then he said, 'But I made a deal with you. So I'll stick to it.' I think he will. But we'll find out Monday if he shows up for the paperwork."

"Why are you trading for a truck? You don't need a truck! How are you gonna sell a truck?"

"Old Buddy wants the truck. I figure I can work the money out of him."

"Yeah, IF he shows up to work!"

Anyhoo... everything still seems to be go for the deal on Lap House. Right?

Tune in tomorrow for another episode of How the Gift House Drops.

Lap House Dance

Hick spent Monday and Tuesday evening talking about Lap House. With a gleam in his eye. I could tell it was his new love. So desirable. Bargain House was a fleeting memory. An old flame.

I couldn't really find any good reasons to reject Lap House, aside from cash flow. I'd talked to The Pony, who was on board with a new flip, given the understanding the money from the Bargain House sale was needed for investment. Hick kept emphasizing that he'd told Some Guy that he would need a couple days to think about it, and would let him know. So Wednesday night, I gave the okay.

Hick called Some Guy, and said he'd like another walk-through. That was on Thursday. On my way to pick up The Pony for our errand day, I heard a text come in. I was driving, and couldn't read it. My phone rang. It was Hick. I also shouldn't have answered, because that's illegal here now. But being a scofflaw for selective purposes, I did.

"Val. Some Guy wants more than we talked about. Three thousand more."

"Where are you?"

"I'm here now. At the house."

"Can he HEAR you???"

"Nah. There's some other guys here."

"I think we can come up with that. Since it's still lower than what he asked for. You couldn't even do your 'split the difference, split the difference' bargaining. 

No. I tried."

"Well. It's only $500 more than splitting the difference would have been. It should be fine."

"Okay. I'll tell him."

By then, I was only a few blocks from The Pony's house. We drove down that way to get a look. Hick and some guys were standing out back in the alley behind the house. We waved. The front looked decent enough. Lap House has good lines. Nothing sagging. Nothing falling off. Not an eyesore.

After going to the bank, and getting gas for T-Hoe, and shopping at Country Mart, I drove The Pony home.

"Let's go by Lap House, up the side street, to get a good look at the back. I can pull into the alley."

No. I couldn't. Because there was still a bunch of guys standing around behind the house! Hick was gone. I didn't want to look like a weirdo. But I was already going up the side street.

"YOU look, Pony. So they don't suspect anything."

The Pony reported that the back looked okay. We'll have to go by this Thursday if we want to stop. IF there's nobody hanging around then. Hick reported later that there were two other guys hanging out with Some Guy, and they were all drinking beer. A lot of beer.

Anyhoo... Hick accepted Some Guy's price. He called the title company and got an appointment for Monday afternoon for him and Some Guy to go fill out paperwork to start a title search.

You'd think we just bought ourselves another flip house. Or DID we...?

Lap House Specs

Hick went to look at Lap House on Monday afternoon. Since this opportunity fell into his lap, that's the name I have chosen for this potential flip. The house was not listed with a realtor. Just Some Guy wanting to sell it, who was a friend of the guy who sold us the Double Hovel flip house(s).

Some Guy was waiting to show Hick the property. It is TWO HOUSES DOWN FROM PONY HOUSE! Of all the places it might be, there it was. Almost a neighbor of The Pony. Some Guy inherited this house from a friend who died.

Anyhoo... it's on a corner lot. Across from it is an old elementary school that has been converted to apartments. Beside it is an old church that is not occupied. There's a gravel alley in back, and off-road parking. A back door on the church side, for easy entry from the alley parking. The roof is shingle, and in good shape. The house has vinyl siding, also in good shape. There's a basement with an outside entrance. Hick likes this, because it makes running plumbing and electric easier than with a crawlspace. Inside, it's 2 bed/1 bath. Hick said the kitchen is outdated and needs to be completely redone. The only way to the bathroom is through a bedroom. It needs new electric. There's a gas furnace, but no air conditioning besides a small window unit. 

Some Guy has painted some of the rooms. Has torn out all the carpets. Hick doesn't know if he was planning to flip it, or update it to live there. Some Guy quoted Hick a price. Hick said he would have to talk to me and The Pony, and would get back to him. Hick thinks that after fix-up costs, we could make a $20,000-30,000 profit on Lap House.