It Must be Hereditary

Scarcely a week after Val's encounter with two line-jumping rumpusholes... Genius had his own situation in Pittsburgh. He sent me a text Saturday morning at 8:11 (my time).

"I've picked up your rumpushole magnet behavior. I'm waiting at the post office to drop off a package, and an old lady just walked up, greeted me, and then CUT IN FRONT OF ME! Now I have to evaluate whether to pick a fight with an old lady, or let her get away with being an antisocial monster. We're in line for the "opens at 9AM" post office that's still not open."

"Heh, heh. Let it go. Because YOU would look like the rumpushole."

"Yeah. Exactly. I wouldn't actually pick the fight but still..."

"Like me with the ice cream man. I definitely feel your ire. Monday, a guy in a black sports car almost hit me while I was standing in the yellow-striped handicap walkway at Casey's. He backed up, then PARKED there when I got in T-Hoe, despite a plethora of open spaces closer to the door, including the actual handicap space, for which he had no plate or placard."

"Don't get me started on entitled parkers! Especially in bike lanes!"

"Watch out for doors being flung open!"

Genius recently got an e-Bike, which he rides to work. And took on a 22-mile ride on his day off. Another thing for me to worry about, now with the manifestation of his rumpushole magnet.

Not As Promised

Not only did Hick skate on his promise to get me pictures Thursday afternoon (in favor of seeking cheap chairs on Facebook) of the back of Cheap House... he also "forgot" to go by on the way home Friday afternoon. Even though he was within half a block of Cheap House after his Friday Afternoon Bull-Shooting Session with his cronies.

All I have to show are two pictures taken Wednesday. Hick says nothing much is different, except he took the board off the window.

Hick has covered an opening where there was old white siding and insulation, after tearing them out. Under the "newest" siding (that he will be putting back on) was this brick-look tarpaper stuff. Heh, heh. In sending myself the picture through my email, my subject line was autocorrected from tarpaper brick to taxpayer brick. If only!

Here's the back of the house, showing the new roof line after that flat-roofed "porch" of a bedroom was torn off. Neither Hick nor the roofers seem to be in any hurry to clean up their respective messes! You can see that Hick still has the window and the door area covered. He has put the louvered vent thingy back in above the window.

This picture was taken from the off-street parking that is accessed by an alley. There IS actual fencing to go with that gate. Hick took it down so the roofers could get their truck in the back yard. He will put the fence up again when work is finished.

I'm hoping to get more pictures, but first I suppose more work must be done! Like the door being installed. And the siding put back on. No telling when that will happen. Hick has plans for Tuesday that include a trip to the city for either his not-quite-free cabinets, or more likely stuff he's buying from that guy. Since I think the cabinets depend on notification from the guy's kitchen remodelers. 

I'm not sure how much Hick and Old Buddy can get done in their regularly-scheduled three hours on Monday.

I'll Believe It when I See It

You were supposed to get a view of the back of Cheap House today. Sadly, the photographer was distracted by something shiny. 

Hick went to work on putting in the door, and getting the siding on the back. He said he was called away to a water leak at the senior apartments. They sure are demanding, for just over $300 per month! And Hick was able to text me at 11:29 after finishing his Father's Day lunch at the Senior Center. He SAID he was going back by Cheap House to get the pictures. But instead went down by his SUS2.5 to look at some chairs and stuff a guy had on Facebook.

I know this, because I called Hick went he sent the text. He was digesting his food, and listening to what sounded like a barbershop trio. He said he had live entertainment of three guys singing. Anyhoo... Hick also said he'd had Realtor Guy at Cheap House to talk about listing it. That's the highlight, I think.

"Realtor Guy said he had a guy who would be interested. It's two guys who flip houses like we do. Right now they have their money in a big house in the city, listed for $350,000. He says they've been asking him for smaller properties. They pay between $40 to $50 per square foot. And Cheap House is around 1000 square feet. So Realtor Guy says he thinks they will want it. He said to call him when I'm ready to list, and he'll get pictures. I told him there's a couple things I still want to do, like the floor and the windows.

I also told Realtor Guy that we should be ready to list Lap House in about one-and-a-half months. The electricity got hooked up today, so I can start working in it."

Well. That's all news to ME! I can't imagine Hick will have Cheap House on the market, and get Lap House ready in such a short time. Especially with all his side trips to do other things at the drop of a hat.

I'd probably be quite safe if I declared I would eat that hat if Cheap House and Lap House are both up with an active listing by August 1st.

Hick's FREEbie Magnet Loses Its Charge

I can't remember if I told this story here. You may be getting a partial re-run. That's what happens in the summer, right? We're all old enough to remember only three TV stations, and how the summer programs were repeats.

Anyhoo... Hick has a "rich" acquaintance in the city who is getting rid of some collector items. He's been up there three times already. He takes Old Buddy with him, to help load stuff. 

"Do you pay Old Buddy his $15 an hour for this?"

"No. He gets to ride along. And there's stuff he wants to buy, too. So he gets a free ride, and contact with this guy, in exchange for helping me carry my stuff."

I don't even know what items Hick has been "collecting" there. My interest is in what he told me he could get for FREE.

"While we were talking, I found out this guy is renovating his kitchen. He said he's getting all new cabinets and appliances. The cabinets he has are good ones. I asked what was going to happen to the things they tear out. He said, 'The people doing the kitchen will get rid of them.' I said it was a shame to throw them away. I asked if I could buy them. He said I could HAVE them! Cabinets, and a gas range and a refrigerator and a microwave. He said he'll have to figure out when they're doing it, and I'll have to come get them that day. That they'll set them outside, and I have to pick them up."

"That might be hard, for you to rush up there on a moment's notice, with Old Buddy and your trailer. It takes over an hour to get there."

"Yeah. I'm going to ask him on my next trip up there if we can work something out. If he can leave them until I get there later that day, or the next morning."

Last week, Hick made another trip the the rich house. He came home telling a different story.

"Remember them cabinets and stuff I was going to get? They ain't free no more! Apparently the guy had told me I could have them without talking to his wife about it."

"Oh, no! Can you still get them? What will it cost?"

"I can have them for $400."

"WHAT? That's nothing! I can't believe they only want $400 for cabinets, fridge, range, and microwave! Does his wife know he told you that price?"

"She was standin' right there when he said it. So I guess it's okay with her."

"I bet he's getting an earful from her right now."

Still, that's a pretty good bargain. Hick said he will use some of the cabinets in Lap House. And probably the range, since Lap House has gas. Likely the refrigerator and microwave, too. You can't pass up an opportunity like this. I hope there's not another price increase...

Shingles for the Cheap

Cheap House has a new roof. The crew started last Tuesday, and finished up on Monday. We had a bit of rain Friday, but they already had the decking down, and the tarpaper. Hick stopped by and said the inside was dry. Which it wouldn't have been, since the old roof leaked every rain.

There's not much to see on a new roof. Hick got some pictures Monday morning.

This is from the back corner. The opposite side from the snake neighbor. That might be Old Buddy's head. I'm not sure what Hick's roofing guy looks like. I thought he was younger.

There's the back of the house, where the old porch/bedroom was torn off. Obviously, this is before the roofers did their cleanup.

This is the other back corner, on the side of the snake neighbor. 

This view is from the back yard. That might be SilverRedO with Hick's lumber. He couldn't close up that back wall until the roofers were done enough not to be tossing stuff down on him and Old Buddy. He still needs to tear off the rest of the old siding, put in a door and a window, and then put the matching siding on the back wall.

At least the water damage is stopped. There's a new roof to tout for the hopefully-soon listing. And Hick can patch the outside, and start fixing the floor on the inside.

Sorry, Lap House. You're on the back burner.

A Coincidental Premonition

The Pony came out Thursday after errand day. We picked up Chinese for The Pony's lunch, and supper for me and Hick. Our order came with three fortune cookies. The Pony ate one, and left two. I forgot about them, then had one Friday night as a treat after my leftover Chinese. Here is my fortune:

Heh, heh! I was SURE that meant I was going to get a winning scratcher. Better than just money back, you know, because DELIGHTFUL! I saved that fortune so I could show The Pony after I got my big winner. 

Saturday, I only had two winners, for a total of $8. That most certainly was not delightful! Just my money back on a $3 and $5 ticket. I shook my fist at The Universe. It's not nice to toy with Val.

Sunday, I sat down at the kitchen table to scratch that day's scratchers. I was on the first ticket, third number, when I uncovered a winning symbol.

Well! That was most certainly DELIGHTFUL!

That's a $250 winner, on a $10 ticket! 

I'm pretty sure the fortune was just a coincidence. I don't remember The Pony's this time, but a couple weeks ago, it was: "Don't engage in road rage." The Pony has never, ever engaged in road rage. Heh, heh! Maybe it's because of that fortune advice...

Hick's fortune was: "The odds are improving... slowly." Maybe that means he's got a chance of getting the electricity connected to the pole at Cheap House, before winter sets in.

Anyhoo... Val is having a delightful week. So far.

Lap House Needs Help, But Hick is Powerless

Poor Lap House is the neglected stepchild of The(flipping)Victorians. Not by their choice! Hick has put in new electric, and is waiting on the electric company to come run wires from the pole to the house.

"How long have you been waiting on the electric company?"

"The last email I got was on June 2nd, when I asked my buddy who works for them. The inspector. He approved my work, and put in a service order. On June 2nd, he said he didn't know how long it would be. That he had put in the order a week before that. But they are behind on service calls."

"What exactly are they going to do?"

"Run the wire from the pole to the house."

"If you hadn't put in new electric, would they need to do anything?"

"No. If I'd left it the same, it would still be working. But they have to connect it with the new kind of wire. The old kind was three separate wires. They could short theirselves out. The new kind has the three wires wrapped around a grounding rod. So it won't short."

"When did they start using this NEW kind of wire?"

"Oh... back in the '70s."

"Heh, heh! That's not so new! I guess this house is like The Pony's house down the block, built around 1920?"

"Yeah. It's from back then."

Meanwhile, Hick waits. He needs electricity to run his saws to get started on the interior of Lap House.

The Absolute Gall of Entitled Rumpusholes

Val is hot-to-trot, my friends. And not in a good way. No silks or sulky in sight. Simply seething, and ready to share a portion of her cerebellum with a few select rumpusholes encountered earlier this day.

Yes, Val is fuming. Fuming like an exterminator roaming through the classrooms of Steelville Middle School, circa late 80s, wearing a tank and wielding a wand made of metal, spewing chemicals probably not meant for inhalation by young teens.

Here's the deal. I was in the School-Turn Casey's, waiting in line behind one customer, an old man who had just paid, and was taking up the counter while putting away his debit card. I was next. The cashier decided to use that moment to fiddle with the OTHER register. It looked like she was making a money drop. She inserted some bills into something I couldn't see, which made a whirring sound.

"I'll be with you folks in a minute."

Not a problem. I was next. An old man had come up behind me from the left. He was holding a soft-serve ice cream cone. I was holding a winning scratcher worth $75. While the original customer was slowly combing through his wallet to fit his debit card in the right spot, the Old Man behind me stepped up to the unopened register where Cashier was still fiddling.

"I'm just going to give you this money so I can eat my ice cream before it melts." He handed Cashier a handful of change and walked out the door. She nodded.

WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FREAKIN' NOT-HEAVEN???

That is line-jumping! Or did I miss a new law that decrees ice cream cannot be eaten while standing in line waiting to pay for it. That it can only be eaten outside the store after paying. 

But wait! That's not all. As the original customer took his time stuffing his wallet into a back pocket, and organizing his purchase to pick up, a young woman carrying a large orange soda got in line behind me from the right. She had a toddler on her hip, and three other urchins under five orbiting her.

"I just have my cup. They all wanted one, but I can't afford four." She hoisted the full cup in the air, and walked out! Cashier nodded.

WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FREAKIN' NOT-HEAVEN???

That is line-jumping. AND stealing! Did I miss a new law that if all you have is a large soda and a lot of kids, you can leave the store without paying? Getting your soda for free?

Then a lady and young boy came up from the right. I swear, I thought she was going to barge ahead of me, too. But Cashier said, "I can help you now." You're darn tootin' you can help me now! You already took two people ahead of me, while I was abiding the unwritten rules of society!

That's how it works, you know. Most children even understand. You get behind the people who were there first, and wait until it's your turn. There's no "I JUST HAVE..." about it. First come, first served. Sometimes you get behind somebody buying a single item, sometimes you get behind somebody with three shopping carts. That's the breaks. 

I didn't advise that man to buy a soft-serve ice cream cone when it's 98 degrees outside. Nor did I pour the mix that made it extra melty into the machine. 

I didn't go to that gal's house (or car backseat) and force her to procreate so rapidly in succession. 

JUST because you want to eat your ice cream outside alone, or have to tow around four kids everywhere you go, doesn't mean that you get to skip the line to pay! Or steal!

A Chinese Linking Ring Puzzle in a Knotted Bag Locked in Houdini's Trunk Stashed in a Corn Maze

Balancing our flip house books is a chore that would have crime scene cleaners, coal miners, and Moroccan leather dye pit workers rejoicing that their jobs are easy by comparison.

Hick is not a good recordkeeper. 

He stashes receipts here and there in SilverRedO. He'll tell me, upon interrogation, "Oh, that's on the dash. It's on the visor. I've got it out in SilverRedO. That's in my billfold somewhere. I gave it to you already. I have no idea what you're talking about."

Hick's filing system is like a box of chocolates!

Hick will tell me one thing, then write down another. It is SO HARD to torture the truth out of him! The one thing he remembers is NUMBERS. Well, if they're not HOUSE numbers. I can usually backtrack enough to match up the specific expenditure with something in Hick's mind.

Hick confuses the streets of the flip houses. He designated one expense to a street where we haven't owned the property since 2017. On his yellow legal page of May cash expenditures, there were The Pony's house, our house, Lap House, Cheap House, and weed-eater repairs. Even though I've asked him to use separate pages for each property. What I get is a list, by date, with scribbles of the amount, and a two/three word description of what it's for. That's the GOOD NEWS!

The bad news is when Hick forgets to tell me when he uses the debit card, or says he used it when instead he used the credit card. Are you sensing my chagrin?

Here's an example from Monday. That morning, I had tried to balance my checkbook (elderlies DO like the old ways) using my bank's automated phone system. There was a charge I had no record of. For $45.29. It was pending, with no explanation of the business. 

That afternoon, I was in the School-Turn Casey's, just a block away from Cheap House. As I was getting scratchers, Hick walked in.

"Getting your tickets?"

"Yeah. Did you put $45.29 on the debit card today?"

"No."

"Are you sure? There's a charge that I didn't make. Think about it."

"No. I didn't put nothin' on it. Unless it was lawnmower gas. That's it. Lawnmower gas a couple days ago. At the Backroads Casey's."

"So you just weren't going to tell me about it?"

"I don't have no receipt. Old Buddy didn't get one."

"Why is Old Buddy using our debit card?"

"He wasn't. I put the card in to pay, then I went inside. Old Buddy was pumping the gas. Then he forgot to hit the button to get a receipt. So I don't have one."

Which in Hick's mind, apparently means that there was no charge! Since he never would have told me about it, had I not grilled him at the counter of another Casey's.

I don't get paid enough for this! Oh, wait. I don't get paid at all.

A Mother's Day Gift for Hick

I forgot to tell you that Hick got a Mother's Day gift on May 6th. Oh, he didn't get it for ME. He got it for himself. It was a surprise. He DID send me a picture of that gift, in SilverRedO.

They are fake tulips, with several gift cards also "growing" from the pot. The gift cards were from girly boutiques (instead of manly boutiques, heh, heh) in the local area. 

"Look what we won from the abstract office"

Hick said WE, but turns out it was only HIM. He said the gal who does our closings at the regular title company we use had called him. She said they had been putting everyone's name in, and had a drawing for this Mother's Day gift. Hick's name was drawn.

Did Hick present that gift to ME for Mother's Day? Nope. He gave me a card. So there's that. I would not have used those gift cards anyway. I don't really need fake tulips. It would have been the THOUGHT that counted. As it was, he gave all the gift cards to The Veteran's daughters, who are in their early teens now, and like girly stuff. The fake tulips are sitting on our marred coffee table. I think they partially obstruct Hick's view of the TV when he sits on the long couch to fold his underwear and socks.

As for the state of SilverRedO in that photo... it might help you understand why I have such a hard time keeping up with the flip bills Hick eventually submits to me.

Beware a Nervous Man with Time and a Phone on His Hands

Hick had a little medical issue last month. It was actually the day after his clamor shot Glamour Shot. I won't go into the details. I can't prove his harem had anything to do with it! The Pony and Old Buddy were actually there with him, working on the security camera at the apartments, when Hick was struck down with ill health.

Being Hick, he continued working, waiting for his doctor NP office to open, so he could call and consult them on what to do. He ended up driving himself to the closest ER. Old Buddy really wanted to take him, but Hick was set on doing it himself. I won't go into details, but after several tests, nothing conclusive was found, and Hick is awaiting a specialist's appointment in August. His symptoms have abated, but other testing will likely be done.

Anyhoo... the issue here is that Hick was left waiting for a while. Triage, you know. Even once he got back to a room to wait for tests, he heard a helicopter. So knew he would be there awhile. That gave his mind time to dwell on his mortality. And to snoop into the business of others in the facility. Hick does not like to be idle. He texted me every half hour.

"Never thought I'd see a pup in the emergency room. Look at the toilet paper. I started to tell her but I didn't." Five minutes later: "They just made her take the dog out"

Now I want to know how Hick would have brought up the subject IF he had decided to tell that woman she had a toilet paper tail.

Hick's Harem Is Overstepping Their Bounds

Hick has not been telling me many tales of his harem lately. I wonder if there's something I should know... It seems that the old gals are quite persuasive in leading Hick to do their bidding. Here's a text I got May 6th. Hick never has mentioned it. Just the text:

"They did clamor shots at senior center yesterday and the old ladies made me do it too"

A likely story! They MADE him do it? Surely these fragile elderlies cannot strongarm Hick into a situation which he might consider not quite appropriate. I guess it doesn't really take muscle. Just a stroking of Hick's ego...

I should probably be relieved, upon seeing the picture, that Hick meant GLAMOUR SHOTS, not clamor shots. Can't have him imbibing on his (just over $300/month) job!

There's our boy! I resisted the urge to give him googly eyes. A simple pair of spectacles will do. You'd think one of Hick's admirers could have at least straightened his tie and collar. Maybe not the one who likes to drink. Or maybe she IS the one who helped Hick get ready for his closeup. I'm pretty sure that get-up travels with the Glamour Shot photographer. I don't recall seeing Hick wear it before, nor take it out of the Mansion on picture day. This really does not look like Hick at all. It's the hat. He's usually in a trucker cap.

Heh, heh. Why am I imagining a little framed photo of Hick on each of their nightstands?

The Other Thing I Found

That title is the text Hick sent me about another SUS2.5 treasure. 

That's a nice old-timey metal truck. It has a SEAT! Hick says it's a riding toy. That rusty metal stick thingy on top is for pulling it, or for steering if you (a child!) sits on the seat. I don't know how that would work. It doesn't look like a steering wheel to me! More like a giant key to open a can of sardines or SPAM. WAIT! If that rod is connected to something under the hood of the truck, I can imagine how it turns the wheels.

Anyhoo... Hick paid $50 for this old metal riding truck. He will take $100. for it. He says it's a Buddy L Deluxe Rider. That they are going for $350 in good condition, which his isn't. But it would be a good starter for somebody wanting to collect them.

Hick Says It's DY-NO-MITE!

Hick is always eager to show off new wares at his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5). On Sunday morning, he sent me a text at 7:22.

"Something for you to tell stories on your page"

My first thought was, Wow, that's cool! Upon first glance, without my glasses, I thought it was a display of wine corks and corkscrews. Like somebody had made up a nice little (BIG, folding) shadowbox to showcase their favorites, or mementos. Then I supposed it looked a little bit like a science fair display, though wine would not have been a subject that I would okay for a science project.

I put on my glasses, enlarged the picture, and saw BLASTING CAPS. And sticks of dynamite! Well. Still cool. But maybe dangerous! Was Hick going to store this in his SUS2.5? Or worse, bring it home and put it in his unairconditioned BARn or Storage Container Garage? I definitely needed more info. Which would have to wait until Hick got home...

Hick said it's dynamite, but not dangerous. (!)

"How is that? There are jars of gunpowder! Or dynamite powder! Can't that explode?"

"No. I think it's not real. I think they've put something in there to look like it. There was a label on it that said 'ATF Test Kit.' I don't think it works."

"Like for training? To show the different kinds of explosives, and what they might look like?"

"Yeah. I got if from one of my guys I trade with. I paid $100 for it. This morning I thought I had it sold for $200, but the guy backed out of the deal. I'd take $150 for it, if somebody offered, but I have it marked for $200."

Well. At least Hick won't be bringing home explosives, fake or not. I might worry about having it sitting in my hot storage unit store, though. At least it's probably in the main unit with some air conditioning.

Thevictorians Decline to be Equalized

A couple weeks ago we got a letter, addressed to Hick, me, and The Pony. It was from the County Board of Equalization. A single page, yet quite nosy!

*****************************************************************

This office has noted your recent purchase of real property at the following location: 

(Please note if incorrect)

Lap House, Sis-Town

We would appreciate your supplying the information requested below. All information is used for over-all studies of property in the County and becomes public information.

1. This property is: (please check all that apply)

___ Single Family Residence

___ Duplex

___ Triplex

___ Apartment Unit (4 or more)

___ Store or Office

___ Industrial Plan

___ Warehouse

___ Vacant Lot

___ Farm Unit

___ Other

2. What was the purchase price? ______________ Purchase date? _________

3. Were there any unusual circumstances involved in the sale, such as:

(  ) Yes   (  ) No   The property was purchased from a relative

(  ) Yes   (  ) No   The property was purchased through foreclosure.

(  ) Yes   (  ) No   The property was purchased through an estate.

4. No. of bedrooms _____ No. of baths ______ (Do not include basement rooms)

5. Basement:  Yes ___ No___ Walk out ___ Walk up___ Interior Only ___

6. Basement finish? (  ) Yes   (  ) No   If yes, please list number of:

___ Family rooms  ___ Bedrooms   ___ Bathrooms

7. Fireplace: Yes (  )   No (  )  If yes: 

# of fireplaces ___ Gas/Electric ___ Wood-burning ___

8. If any property other than real estate (furniture, livestock, etc.) was included, 

what was the value of that property? ______

9. Comments?

Date: _________________   Signed: __________________________________

*******************************************************************

Also note that the letter was dated 5/15/26.

Listed the Parcel Number of the property

Date Acquired: 3/19/26

Book/Page: [number]

Obviously, there are records that we purchased Lap House. They know when. They know which property. I'm sure there is a record of the price, since we closed at a local title company.

Hick, The Pony, and I all agree that there is no need to fill this out. It will likely increase the county taxes on this property. We won't have it long enough for that to really matter to us. The kicker is the part that this will BECOME PUBLIC INFORMATION. Nobody needs to know who we got this property from, and if anything else (cough, cough, white truck...) was included. The basic info is recorded at the courthouse, should anybody want to dig it up.

You know how hard it was for me to resist only filling out the COMMENTS section, right?

He Wants His MeTV

Hick came in from mowing the yard/fields on Tuesday evening, and plopped down in his recliner to watch some old reruns. He's partial to MASH, and Hogan's Heroes after that. And sometimes Emergency if he gets home earlier. These shows are on channel 24 on our DISH service. Channel 24 used to be a religious station in St. Louis, started by evangelist Larry Rice. I don't know when it changed programming, but now it's MeTV, and broadcasts old classic shows.

Anyhoo... Hick hollered in that he coudn't watch MASH.

"It goes to that channel, and looks like it's going to play, but then I get a message that I'm outside the area for this channel. It says if I haven't moved my receiver, I need to call DISH."

"Well. You can call them. I can look up the number after I get your supper ready."

"It gives me the number."

"Well. You can call."

"It might come back."

"I can look up if it's part of a dispute, like when DISH dropped CBS for a month and we missed Survivor. It IS the beginning of June. So maybe they're working out a deal. We should get it. It's part of the Local Channel package that we pay for to get the St. Louis stations."

"It worked yesterday. And that was June 1st. So maybe it will come back."

Yes. That's how we like to solve problems around here. Ignore them, and see if they fix themselves. I didn't think any more about it. Until Wednesday morning at 5:15 a.m. when I put the TV on Channel 2 to see the local weather. I GOT THE SAME MESSAGE! It wasn't just Channel 24, but ALL the St. Louis stations that we pay extra to receive.

I called the number on the screen. A recording told me that all DISH representatives were busy, and the wait time would be 8 minutes. That I could stay on the line, or press "1" and they would hold my place in line, and call me for my turn. Do you think I trusted that? Not-Heaven, no! I stayed on the line. Every now and then, a message would tell me that I could find the red reset button on my receiver, and push it. Or hold the power button. Nope. Not fiddling with that. All the other channels still worked.

After 10 minutes, a sweet Asian-accented woman asked what my problem was. I only had to ask her to repeat something twice. Not because her English was so good, but because I was straining every part of my ear and brain to decipher her words. She said she was working on it. Then that DISH crews were doing maintenance on a satellite, and my problem should resolve when the maintenance was completed. There was nothing she could do, nor anything I could do. Just wait. I thanked her and hung up.

Do I believe this scenario? I want to. But I'm not sure. What kind of satellite are they working on? An orbiting satellite? Did a crew fly up there to hammer at it? Or a big round satellite dish? Were they hosing it down and making it sparkle? Is it a satellite that only sends out St. Louis TV station signals?

I suppose we'll give it a week. If not fixed, Hick can call back.

Make. It. STAHHHP!

Once we walked into the Savings & Loan, we had no problems acquiring Cheap House. The paperwork consisted of a two-page document, stapled together, needing only Hick's signature and mine. How in the Not-Heaven did that take 17 days (since the foreclosure auction on the courthouse steps) to get ready?

Loan Officer pushed a pen across his glass-topped desk to each of us. We signed our single signature and sat back. You KNOW I was planning on taking that pen with me. And Hick's too. They have loads of those things, for promotional purposes. Especially after THE VIRUS, when nobody wanted to touch anybody else's pen unless it was given a Silkwood shower with GermX, and hermetically sealed in a ziploc bag and left to sit for seven days.

The gal who brought the papers to Loan Officer's desk took our cashier's check for $15,000. Then she whisked away to get us a handwritten receipt on an index-card size note torn off a pad with the Savings & Loan logo. A receipt like we just bought a chotchke at a flea market. She said she was going to walk the papers across the corner to the courthouse to get them recorded. We could wait, or Hick could pick them up later. Which he said he would.

THAT'S A PROBLEM! But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hick took the receipt, but then took out his phone, and started showing pictures of what he's doing to Cheap House. Loan Officer leaned forward for a closer look, then REACHED OUT AND TOOK BACK BOTH PENS!!!

What a petty little persnickety man! I don't mean that in a bad way. He's a nice guy. We got our loan from him to build our hillbilly mansion way back in 1997. We paid back every penny. Early! And he couldn't even begrudge us two free pens 29 years later???

Anyhoo... Loan Officer started telling Hick of another possible foreclosure. AND HICK TALKED ABOUT GETTING IT!

No. Nope. Absolutely not. We already have TWO flips right now. I do not like the thought of Hick chatting with Loan Officer when I'm not around.

Thevictorians Are Now the Not-So-Proud Legal Owners of Cheap House

It's ours! Finally. Legally. Hick and I signed the papers on Wednesday afternoon. More on that story eventually. Today we take a look at the back porch. Technically, the lack of a back porch. It has been ripped off.

The floor/ceiling still has to be removed. Hick said HOS and buddy took the metal off the porch roof. It's in the yard. Hick will bring it home and use it for projects that I don't even want to think about. There were shingles under the metal, which will have to go to the landfill, since they missed getting them in the dumpster. The boards of the floor and roof will be saved by Hick. Right now that's the roof boards sitting on top of the floor boards.

I asked Hick why it looks like there's a big hole in the house roof by his "new" wall. He said, "Because there's a big hole in the house roof."

"Won't it leak when it rains???"

"It was already leaking when it rained! There's wood under that opening. It gets wet and leaks. The roofers should be able to start next week. That'll take care of it."

The area of white shingles is where the back door will be. That's the kitchen. There's already a window covered with a square of plywood because it was broken. Hick had his glass guy fix two windows, and will be putting that one back in after the roofing is done.

It's coming along. I'm ready to get it on the market!

We Might Legally Own Cheap House Now!

By the time you read this, we might legally own Cheap House. It's been a long time since last October when Hick first got his hopes up. Monday he talked to Loan Officer, who said the papers were ready, and he thought all they needed were HICK'S signature. But he'd call and let him know after further checking. Tuesday, Loan Officer said that I must also sign, because I'm married to Hick. But that The Pony won't need to sign.

I don't want The Pony to think we're cutting him out of this deal! Supposedly all three of our names will be on the deed. Hick thinks we don't all need to sign, because we're not doing it at a title company, and all the debts were washed clean during the foreclosure. Whatever. Hick will meet me over in Bill-Paying Town on Wednesday afternoon, after my leg therapy. Right now the $15,000 cashier's check is sitting here waiting to be spent! Hick says we don't owe the $500 in property taxes until THIS year, which makes sense, because we will be OWNING it this year.

Meanwhile, expensive work continues on Cheap House. HOS (Hick's Oldest Son) and buddy have already removed the outer siding of the back porch and set it aside to be used on the "new" back of the house. They've torn out the ceiling insulation, and are ready for the walls, and to rip the whole "back porch" room down.

Hick had them save the windows for him to use elsewhere. The roof will be altered to slant down from that peak and tie in with the rest of the house back, once this addition is subtracted. Hick was hoping it could be done for around $10,000. The quote from his roof guy was $12,750. We're going with it. I think Hick sometimes thinks in terms of "cost" and doesn't consider that the roof guy will have to pay his workers and make a little profit. This will be a whole new roof, the sooner the better, since one area leaks with every rain. It will be a shingle roof, not metal. It's cheaper when you consider the angles that will be added to tie in the back without porch room. Metal is more complicated for that.

There's the inside, with Hick and Old Buddy's newly-built wall at the back. They'll use the saved matching siding to cover it. HOS and buddy have to tear down those rafters and roof and walls and floor. This may be done while the roofers are on the house roof, if they can start that job so soon. Hick didn't say progress would be held up until the porch was off.

The Barber of the Kill

With summer fast approaching, and Hick providing my warm-weather coiffure, I harken back to yesteryear, when Hick gave summer haircuts to the boys. Whether they wanted them or not. Somewhere Hick came to possess a set of hair clippers. He had often mentioned that he might set up his own little barbershop out here, if he could find time to go to "barber school."

The older boys took it well. They were 4-6 years old when I first met Hick when we lived in the same apartment complex. HOS and The (Little Future) Veteran were rough-and-tumble boys. They liked shooting BB guns and looking for snakes and lizards and arrowheads. A summer buzzcut as soon as school was out was not something they looked forward to, but was readily accepted.

Our two later boys were not so accepting. The command to "Go get a towel" was met with heavy sighs, resignation, a ducked head, and slow feet. Genius and The Pony were not exactly prissy, but cared more about appearances. Genius begged to wear a vest and bowtie for kindergarten picture day. The Pony refused jeans for his entire school career, only wanting khakis or cargo pants/shorts.

Hick would take them out on the back porch, so the fallen hair dropped through the cracks. The towel was to drape around their shirtless shoulders, and prevent itching and squirming. Actually, there was not much squirming, because the boys were AFRAID of Hick and his clippers. He was not the most gentle or conscientious amateur barber. One year, he nicked The 4-year-old Pony's ear. Blood and tears flowed with equal speed. In true Hick fashion, he said, "If I hurt you, I'm sorry." What in the Not-Heaven? I think drawing blood certainly counts as hurting! So that apology did not need conditions!

Anyhoo... the next summer when Hick told The Pony to "Go get a towel," The Pony reluctantly returned with it draped across his forearms, carrying it to the back porch to his imagined doom.

"This is to catch the blooood," solemnly declared a subdued little Pony.

Hick Is Half a Silver-Tongued Devil

Hick is not known for his tact. Especially where Val is concerned. He speaks without thinking, and then tries to justify his words. I'm hoping. The alternative is that he says these things WITH prior thinking!

Saturday evening, I asked about his meeting with his "roof guy" about Cheap House.

"So what's the price for a new roof?"

"I don't know yet. He looked at it, and said he'd give me the estimate by Monday. While I had him there, I asked him about tearing off the back porch. What he could do it for. I told him HOS [Hick's Oldest Son] and his buddy gave me a price of $1500. He said I should take that, because I wouldn't get it any cheaper."

"So you told him somebody else's estimate? That doesn't seem fair. Can HOS and his buddy even do that kind of work? I thought they might need a backhoe or bobcat to tear it down."

"Oh, yeah. They can do it. It's just pulling down lumber. They won't even need the dumpster. The city already said I could burn the wood in the back yard, as long as I don't burn any shingles. They'll finish with the dumpster in time. They just have the old drywall left to put in it."

"Well, I don't want them to get hurt trying to do something they're not used to."

"It HAS to come down, Val. You haven't seen that back porch. Not to be mean, but it looks like YOU built it!"

"That is NOT a very nice thing to say! So much for not being mean!"

"No. I just mean it looks like a kindergartener did it."

"You're not helping yourself..."

"Somebody who has no idea how to build! That's all I meant. It's falling off..."

"You could have just said that. And not put MY name into it! Did HOS and his buddy find anything they wanted when they cleaned out the house?"

"A few knick-knack kind of things. They sold $125 in junk metal. HOS took one of the dryers home to use. They had a buddy who wanted the refrigerator. HOS said they took it to the carwash and cleaned it, but it's still not a prize."

Good thing Hick didn't say that refrigerator looked like something I would have...