Sunday, August 30, 2020

Hick: An Inconvenient Couth

It may come as no surprise to you that Hick has always been a little uncouth.

He may choose to wear a wildly patterned shirt that is 20 years out of date for pictures at his son's college graduation. Along with a sweatshirt advertising a different college.

He may assume certain groups of people are interchangeable. As when he pontificated on his belief that people can simply go to work, do their job, and leave their personal life out of it. It's not that belief that was uncouth. But his insertion of "the gays" in place of "people," and when called on it, his replacement with "The nudists. I meant to say nudists. Same thing."

He may assert that all prostitutes have dark hair, parted in the middle, since he watched a crime show about a serial killer in Arizona whose victims all looked amazingly similar in their photos.

Like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates, you can never be sure what you're going to get when you have dealings with Hick. But just like all chocolates involve chocolate... dealing with Hick usually involves something a little uncouth. When it doesn't, the world wobbles a bit on its axis.

Last week, I made a supper of peppered bacon draped over potatoes, carrots, and onions. All baked in a roasting pan, with a little Hidden Valley Ranch powder sprinkled in. The bacon was gone before the vegetables, so we had them another night with lemon-pepper chicken. And Hick stretched them to a third night with leftover chicken.

Normally, Hick would put the couple of carrots left over back in the bottom of FRIG II, in the giant roasting pan. I'm used to that. The dogs will eat them, because of the bacon flavor. There was quite a bit of "juice" left in the bottom of the pan. I had a loaf of stale bread on the kitchen counter, by the back door, waiting to soak in the juice, as a treat for the dogs. I'd even told The Pony (AND THE DOGS), "There's a good treat coming up tomorrow!"

Imagine my shock when I came upstairs in the wee hours of "tomorrow" morning, and saw the roaster pan sitting on the back of the stove. The lid was off, and inside was NOTHING! No carrots, no onions, no juice! In fact, that pan looked like it had been rinsed with HOT water! No greasy film clinging to the sides. Nothing to sop up with bread!

Upon interrogation later in the day, Hick revealed that he'd had a sudden attack of couth.

"What happened to that juice I was going to soak the dog bread in?"

"Oh. I poured it out and rinsed the pan."

"WHY? I was saving it for the dogs! I even told them! WHERE did you pour it? Hopefully not down the sink! The grease and the onions will clog the drain."

"I just poured it off the back porch."

"Of all the times to do that! You've never done it before. Didn't you see that bread I had set out for the dogs?"

"I figured I'd be in trouble if I left a messy pan on the stove. So I poured it out."

AS IF being in trouble for doing such a thing, for over 30 years, had finally shamed him into cleaning up a pan that he used last! Such an inconvenient time for Hick to acquire some manners.


  1. No matter what, they'll always put a spin on it. My guy just yelled, "I'm going downstairs to do your laundry." He wanted an atta boy. I remained silent, because it was HIS laundry.

    1. Like my mom told me on my wedding day: "Honey, they're all alike."

  2. This is wrong on so many levels. Bring back the old uncouth Hick, so the dogs don't miss out on their grease bread treats.

    1. He turned into the old uncouth Hick tonight, leaving the tartar sauce (I made) sitting on the cutting block when he left the kitchen. Which didn't benefit the dogs. Lucky I saw it and put it away for ME to have later.

  3. Tommy puts water in bowls he uses and puts them on the side of the sink right near the edge of the counter where I can hit them or slosh water as I try to put them inthe sink.

    1. I hate it when Hick runs food particles into the sink, and when he rinses a greasy bowl with cold water. Which does NOTHING to help it.

  4. Greasy bowls here get wiped out with paper towel. I don't like excess grease going down my drains.