I need to stop by Terrible Cuts to get a trim for my lovely lady-mullet. I'm pretty sure I'll be having my picture pasted far and wide in post offices throughout the midwest. Can't be looking like my old driver's license photo!
Lately I've been cruising around Backroads with impunity, in a 2008 Tahoe with one deflated tire, living my best life, slurping down Diet Coke, providing my demanded birthdate to purchase scratchers, and generally *swinging the world by the tail. Little did I know that I've been law-bending again...
Friday was 16 degrees when I left home for my weekly errands. I did not especially want to get out of T-Hoe any more than absolutely necessary. So I used the drive-thru at the bank, to make a small deposit into The Pony's account to cover his credit card gas purchases for last month, and to withdraw the weekly cash for Thevictorian household. Not a big deal. I've made such transactions numerous times, both inside and at the drive-thru.
Imagine my surprise when the teller did not send out my cash, but instead interrogated over the loudspeaker, such that the other two drive-thru-lanes' customers could also hear,
"Val? Did you recently get a new ID?"
"Um. No? Nothing recently that I recall."
"I know who you are, but your account says we need to update your ID."
"I got a new driver's license A YEAR AGO..."
"Would you mind sending that in so we can get a copy?"
"Nope. I don't mind."
SHEESH! The only person who would mind sending in their ID would be AN IMPOSTER who was trying to drain my account of money! I sent it in, and the teller sent it back in the envelope with my cash and receipt.
Apparently, I've been stealing money from my own account for over a year now! I renewed that driver's license this week LAST YEAR! It's not as if I haven't been doing these weekly transactions for 52 weeks. And cashing in savings bonds. Cashing two big Missouri Lottery checks. Depositing cashier's checks from another institution. I know they asked for my ID on the bonds. You'd think my account would have been updated since my old license expired in 2019.
It's always something. I try to live life like a law-abiding person. As if my actions are being recorded on my permanent record. Yet somehow, I've now become Public Enemy #4. Most likely in the minds of those other bank customers hearing my business over the loudspeaker.
Oh well. I DO have a checkered past of Public Enemy-ness...
Public Enemy #1 for trying to order a phone sent to the store
Public Enemy #2 for daring to try and deposit a check from my own credit union up the street
Public Enemy #3 for taking a picture of my slot machine bonus in a casino
______________________________________________________________________
* I first heard this phrase from Dolly Parton and Porter Wagoner, in "Before I Met You."
______________________________________________________________________
We can't take you anywhere....
ReplyDeleteI KNOW! Especially when I draw extra attention to myself by winning stuff, and taking pictures of pennies. Think of what I could get away with if I blended in like Waldo.
DeleteWells Fargo demanded a thumb print for me to DEPOSIT money!
ReplyDeleteI certainly hope you don't have a checkered past of robbing stagecoaches!
DeleteSwinging the world by the tail certainly sounds like something Dolly Parton would do. She's one of my favourite people even though I've never actually met her. The only time I was ever asked for ID was when I first opened my bank account here in South Australia 30+ years ago. Back then I didn't actually have any ID, so they looked at household accounts with my name and address on them and took me on faith. The first bank I approached wanted nothing to do with me, even though I'd had an account with them in a different state for 20 years! Simply because I was a stay-at-home-mum with no ID of my own, since I don't drive which meant no licence. I've since gotten a "Proof of Age" card which does very well as ID. it has my picture on it, the one taken when my blood pressure was way up in the stratosphere, making my face look round and fat, so I look a bit like Roseanne from that TV show.
ReplyDeleteAt least you can understand my pain of having that bloated driver's license photo for SIX YEARS!
DeleteSix years is nothing against my fat-face-forever-no-expiry-date card.
DeleteI feel your pain, but revel in my joy!
Deletemy latest problem was with renewing a passport and having a new photo taken. Geeze, the woman breathed up MY nostrils she was so close. My image is grotesque, but what can you do?
ReplyDeleteThis makes me think of two movies. "Tootsie," when the camera zoomed in on Dustin Hoffman as Dorothy, and the control room said "Not so close!" And "A League of Their Own," when movie clips for the league showed all the gals playing up close, but had a view of Marla Hooch standing isolated in the distance on 2nd base.
DeleteSometimes, you don't want to be that close!
I just got a new driver's license, complete with a star so I can now legally fly to Xanadu, and for the first time had to admit my hair isn't brown, it is GREY! Oh, woe and mortification.
ReplyDeleteI guess I won't be LEGALLY flying to Xanadu, because my driver's license doesn't have a star, and I'm rockin' the brown lovely lady-mullet! I might make it, if airport standards are as lax as my bank, where IDs are concerned.
DeleteXanadu is a real place?
ReplyDeleteWAIT! You mean I don't need to tell Hick to be on the lookout for roller skates at Goodwill and the auctions?
Delete