Sunday, July 3, 2022

Un-Sweet Hick-a-hiker

Hick hitched a ride to town with me on Thursday, to pick up The Pony's car from the mechanic after the air conditioner was fixed. I didn't mind. I was on my way to the bank, and this mechanic is along that route. 
Or shall we say he "Hicked" a ride with me. Hick is not a good passenger. He's a bit controlling. A shotgun-seat driver. I could understand if Hick was commenting on my driving technique. If I was sweaving, or speeding, or driving on the wake-up bumps. Turnabout is fair play. But I wasn't. And he wasn't. His running tirade was a bid for control.
First cat out of the bag, Hick adjusted the vent on his side.
"Make sure you put that back when you get out! I don't need my cool air blowing out on that side when I need it over here."
"If you'd put it on AUTO, it would work better."
"No." I pushed the FAN up one notch. Cold air poured out. "I keep it on RECIRCULATE, because that makes the air colder. It doesn't have to cool the 97-degree air continuously."
"Well. On AUTO, it would automatically start blowing harder to circulate the air."
"You mean the HOTTER air? See? It's cold. The fan is pushing it out harder. Why didn't you just say you wanted the air up? Besides, your vent was closed. AUTO wouldn't help that."
That's the thing. If I'd had T-Hoe's air conditioner set on AUTO, Hick would have ridiculed me for not having it set on RECIRCULATE. You KNOW he would! He just wanted to be the expert.
Like when we pulled up to the 4-way stoplight by Walmart, and he said,

"You're not turning LEFT!"

"I know that. Can't you hold it for two seconds? I had my signal on to get in this lane, to go straight or left. I was NOT going right, so I had to switch to this lane when the yellow line veered over. I was only signaling a lane change. I can't turn off that signal instantly, before I'm even in the lane!"

Also, Hick kept trying to tell me which way we were going, without actually explaining. You know, how he does that thing by saying the same words over and over, but louder. He lost me when he directed me to turn on a street that he said ran beside the old Casey's.

"You mean 7th Street?"

"No. Another one, before 7th."

"There is no street past Casey's, before 7th."

"Yes there is, 6th Street, I guess."

"But 6th Street is BEFORE we get to Casey's."

"Well, you want the street after Casey's. There's a side street that branches left off it. Like an H between that street and the one where the mechanic is. So you can come out and get back on this road to go to the bank."

"That street after Casey's is 7th."



"You don't know nothin' about directions!"

"I know there's no street where you're telling me!"
"Anyway, there's a street that branches off of it that goes by the mechanic."
"Down beside the mechanic?"
"No. In front." 

"But the mechanic is across from the lumber yard."


"So the H street comes down by the mechanic?"


"Beside it?"

"No. In front!"

"That would be the lumber yard street, 8th Street."

"No! You don't know nothin'!"

"Here we are. See? This is 6th Street. Then there's the old Casey's. Now the next street is 7th."

"Yeah. That's the one you turn on!"

"You said it wasn't!"

"Up there is the side street. The H shape, that cuts through by the front of the mechanic."

"I see the sign for the side street. But I'm going on up to 8th Street, by the lumber yard, to get to the mechanic."

 "That's fine. See? Where that side street comes out right here?"

"Uh huh. It's nowhere near the mechanic! And even if it was closer, it's on the SIDE!"

"Can't tell you NOTHIN'!"

"Here. I'm letting you out. I'll make a U-turn to go back out and head to the bank."


You'd think a man who used to work for that city would know the streets...


  1. But even if you had done it perfectly, he would HAVE to put his two cents in. I tell my guy if he doesn't shush he can drive. And do not tell me directions using east or west, north or south. Give it to me straight!

    1. Hick is a contrarian. Mary, Mary had nothing on him! If I was actually doing something complainable, it would be different.

      That north-south crap gets under my skin. Hick kept telling me he was dropping me off at the NORTH ENTRANCE and River City. Huh? Just describe it as "the end by the buffet."

      Did you read about latest trip to River City, taking The Pony for his first time? It was a two-parter:

  2. one or the other or both of you need to take axanax before you ever set off in the car with you diriving again. All of that would have made me so nervous (and angry).

    1. Well, if I'm driving, I won't take one! I could shove one in Hick's mouth, and hold his nostrils closed, and stroke his throat until he swallows. Then he might be a good little passenger!

      He was just annoying. It didn't really make me angry. I enjoy a good sparring match with Hick, since I usually come out the winner.

  3. He is a real PITA as a passenger, isn't he? I can just imagine myself saying he could shut up or get out and walk. Good thing I'm not a driver!

    1. I call it a PITR. Pain in the rumpus! This didn't bother me as much as some of Hick's nonsense, because I was doing it so The Pony could get his car back, with air conditioning. So doing a favor for The Pony, not for Hick!

  4. At least Hick doesn't argue with the GPS like my father does.

    1. Hick doesn't argue, but he tells the GPS to SHUT UP! Over and over, rather than turning it off.

  5. A good sparring match keeps it lively, but like you, I always win! No fists necessary, all I need is words!

    1. It's a kind of hobby with me. Keeps my wits sharp, now that I can't spar with a few live-wires in the classroom.