Un-Sweet Hick-a-hiker

Hick hitched a ride to town with me on Thursday, to pick up The Pony's car from the mechanic after the air conditioner was fixed. I didn't mind. I was on my way to the bank, and this mechanic is along that route. 

 

Or shall we say he "Hicked" a ride with me. Hick is not a good passenger. He's a bit controlling. A shotgun-seat driver. I could understand if Hick was commenting on my driving technique. If I was sweaving, or speeding, or driving on the wake-up bumps. Turnabout is fair play. But I wasn't. And he wasn't. His running tirade was a bid for control.

First cat out of the bag, Hick adjusted the vent on his side.

 

"Make sure you put that back when you get out! I don't need my cool air blowing out on that side when I need it over here."

 

"If you'd put it on AUTO, it would work better."

 

"No." I pushed the FAN up one notch. Cold air poured out. "I keep it on RECIRCULATE, because that makes the air colder. It doesn't have to cool the 97-degree air continuously."

 

"Well. On AUTO, it would automatically start blowing harder to circulate the air."

 

"You mean the HOTTER air? See? It's cold. The fan is pushing it out harder. Why didn't you just say you wanted the air up? Besides, your vent was closed. AUTO wouldn't help that."

 

That's the thing. If I'd had T-Hoe's air conditioner set on AUTO, Hick would have ridiculed me for not having it set on RECIRCULATE. You KNOW he would! He just wanted to be the expert.

Like when we pulled up to the 4-way stoplight by Walmart, and he said,

"You're not turning LEFT!"

"I know that. Can't you hold it for two seconds? I had my signal on to get in this lane, to go straight or left. I was NOT going right, so I had to switch to this lane when the yellow line veered over. I was only signaling a lane change. I can't turn off that signal instantly, before I'm even in the lane!"

Also, Hick kept trying to tell me which way we were going, without actually explaining. You know, how he does that thing by saying the same words over and over, but louder. He lost me when he directed me to turn on a street that he said ran beside the old Casey's.

"You mean 7th Street?"

"No. Another one, before 7th."

"There is no street past Casey's, before 7th."

"Yes there is, 6th Street, I guess."

"But 6th Street is BEFORE we get to Casey's."

"Well, you want the street after Casey's. There's a side street that branches left off it. Like an H between that street and the one where the mechanic is. So you can come out and get back on this road to go to the bank."

"That street after Casey's is 7th."

"No."

"Yes."

"You don't know nothin' about directions!"

"I know there's no street where you're telling me!"

 

"Anyway, there's a street that branches off of it that goes by the mechanic."

 

"Down beside the mechanic?"

 

"No. In front." 

"But the mechanic is across from the lumber yard."

"Yeah."

"So the H street comes down by the mechanic?"

"Yeah."

"Beside it?"

"No. In front!"

"That would be the lumber yard street, 8th Street."

"No! You don't know nothin'!"

"Here we are. See? This is 6th Street. Then there's the old Casey's. Now the next street is 7th."

"Yeah. That's the one you turn on!"

"You said it wasn't!"

"Up there is the side street. The H shape, that cuts through by the front of the mechanic."

"I see the sign for the side street. But I'm going on up to 8th Street, by the lumber yard, to get to the mechanic."

 "That's fine. See? Where that side street comes out right here?"

"Uh huh. It's nowhere near the mechanic! And even if it was closer, it's on the SIDE!"

"Can't tell you NOTHIN'!"

"Here. I'm letting you out. I'll make a U-turn to go back out and head to the bank."

"Whatever."

You'd think a man who used to work for that city would know the streets...