Val and T-Hoe Get Ample-Rumpused

Most days, I drive through Dairy Queen to pick up lunch for The Pony and myself, off the $2 menu. We like the chicken with honey mustard, and soft pretzels with queso sauce.

Thursday, I had made it from car #13 in line, to car #3. Dairy Queen's line usually moves at an acceptable rate. About 1 minute per car, sometimes faster. So people creep along, foot on brake, advancing to the pickup window.

I looked down at T-Hoe's clock, checking my wait time.

WHAM!

My foot held on the brake, as my head rocked back, then forward. A quick look in my mirror showed the old green truck behind me backing up a couple feet.

WHAT IN THE NOT-HEAVEN!

I put my window down, gestured with my arm like WT actual F? A guy got out and walked up along the building, almost to my window. He was late 20s/early 30s. Kind of stocky, with curly unkempt reddish hair. Wearing none-too-clean rust-colored cotton duck work pants, and a bright green t-shirt favored by road crews.

"I don't know what happened. My brakes give out. I didn't hurt your car, though."

"Well. You SAY you didn't."

"Yeah. There's no marks."

"I hope my neck and back are okay..."

For the first time, he lost that WhoGivesAnEff look off his face.

"Are you all right?"

"I guess I am."

"Okay then."

Wham Bammer skedaddled back to his truck. I was shaking from the adrenaline. The line moved up. Then my turn. I drove around the building, and pulled into the first parking spot by the exit. I got out, shaky-kneed, and walked around to check out T-Hoe's rear. It DID look okay. I didn't see any marks. I guess that truck bumper was just the right height to hit T-Hoe's bumper. In my mirror in line, I had noticed a crunched-in/broken fiberglass spot under the driver's-side headlight of that green truck. Don't know if it was old, or happened in the crash.

My intent was to get a picture of T-Hoe's (non)damage on my phone. And a picture of Wham Bammer and his truck as he came around.

Apparently, he was in training for the NASCAR circuit, because he sped out that exit like he was in second place on the final turn. I think he probably crapped his pants as he pulled from the side street onto the main road. A police car was turning in! And I know Wham Bammer had seen me and T-Hoe parked there by the exit.

The police car was headed across the street, to Hardee's. Where a small silver sedan had its snout all crumpled and a headlight displaced. It must have been hit coming out of the drive-thru there. The corner of the building blocks the view of oncoming traffic. A tilt-bed car-hauling wrecker was parked in the road, so I had to go out Dairy Queen's back exit.

Hick was not happy that I didn't get that guy's insurance information. HA HA HA HA! As IF that guy would have had insurance! No damage was done to T-Hoe. I don't believe the story of Wham Bammer's brakes failing. How did he stop when he backed up, and how did he keep from re-bamming me in line? I think he wasn't paying attention, and hit the gas instead of the brake. No other way he could have hit me so hard. Hick says MAYBE he could, if his idle was set too high, and he took his foot off the brake to creep forward.

Anyhoo...an hour later, the left front side of my neck was sore, after all my adrenaline wore off. Then the back right side of my neck started to hurt. It's still stiff and sore. Crackles when I turn a certain way. I've had a headache off and on for three days. Don't know if any of it is wreck-related. It's not bad enough to go to a doctor, to get a cervical collar, and sue Wham Bammer for half a million dollars (but settle out of court for $10,000) like Harry Morgan (before he was MASH's Colonel Potter) did The Partridge Family when Shirley rear-ended his Studebaker.