Genius's Val and iPhone Boot Camp

The first night of bringing my new used iPhone 8 home, Genius called to see how I liked it. That's what he said. If I had known then that I had just been drafted into his Apple army, and was careening down the primrose path to have my lovely lady-mullet shorn as a precursor to his draconian boot camp...I might not have picked up the house phone.

Genius started off in a conversational tone. Like a young-adult son who hasn't talked to his loving mother for six weeks. Little by little, he inserted specific commands concerning the tiny heavy albatross new used iPhone 8 he persuaded me to buy.

"Have you figured it out yet?"

"No. But I have that 2-hour YouTube video you sent me. So as I need something, I will refer to the specific chapter of those instructions."

"Here. Let me show you how to..."

OH. MY. GOSH.

By the time our hour-and-twenty-minute conversation was over, I felt like I had dismantled and rebuilt a Boeing 747. From 35,000 feet.

"That's okay. I have enough to get by for now. I'll check the video if I need something else. Or I'll call you."

"Well, I'm working from 8:00 to 6:00."

"I won't bother you then. I know enough to text and take pictures and make a call."

"Wait. There are three more things we need to do."

"I have to go to the bathroom..."

"Just a minute. It won't take long. Go to SETTINGS..."

"I REALLY have to go to the bathroom."

"You know, it's really hard to help you..."

"I TOLD you I would never figure out how to use an iPhone!"

"It would be the same going from an LG to a Samsung!"

"I don't know. I didn't have that chance."

"Come on, we're almost done."

"Hurry up. I REALLY HAVE TO go to the bathroom!"

I learned a couple things that evening. Like how I can never close out of something like with my Nexy (LG Nexus 7). Apparently, they stay open perpetually, with the most recently used on top of a fanned-out thing like windows, and don't use up your battery power. That's the perception I got from my drill sergeant Genius, anyway.

Oh, and he made me put in a security code, and now EVERY TIME I want to do something on my phone, I have to punch in 6 NUMBERS! I hate that! He said I have to, because I refused to put in my fingerprint. Well! I have such trouble with touch screens like ATMs and casino kiosks and other vital technology not recognizing that I'm a living human, I didn't want to take a chance on my new used iPhone 8 ignoring my touch when I wanted in!

Anyhoo...Genius called back the very next evening, to put me through more drills! During which he ridiculed me when I asked how to get rid of things that pop up on the screen, like a survey wanting to know how I liked my shopping trip at Country Mart, WHILE I was still inside Country Mart, again in T-Hoe, and once back home.

Genius swore he had never seen such a thing pop up on an iPhone, and demanded to know what it looked like, and forced me to spend 20 minutes learning how to take a screenshot and sent it to him. Except that the next time I got one of those notices on my screen, it wouldn't let me take a screenshot without punching in my 6-digit security code, and THEN it was GONE!

I appreciate Genius's help. I really do. But I feel like I should be able to decide WHEN I want to learn something, because then I'll remember it. And be more receptive to his commands.

Genius tried to whip me into shape like Louis Gossett Jr. making a jet-flyer out of Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman.

When it comes to help with my new used iPhone 8, like Zach Mayo about to be forced to DOR...I got nowhere else to go.