Missing Hick

Let the record show that the word "missing" in the title is being used as an adjective. Not a verb. NOT-HEAVEN, NO! Surely you didn't think ol' Val was missing her sweet baboo! Please! The thought of that makes my ribs sore in anticipation of a laugh-fest, and my ample buttocks sore in anticipation of falling out of my rolly chair during that laugh-fest.

Anyhoo... I woke up Tuesday morning to find Hick missing! Okay. That's semi-accurate. I woke up for a nanosecond when he tossed a pair of ankle socks onto the bed before going to get in the shower at 6:20 a.m. You know, because our bed is the only place he can get dressed in the whole 1600 square-foot house. Who knew a pair of ankle socks could make such an impact? Probably just me, and that princess with the pea tenderness.

Anyhoo... when I got out of bed at 9:15, Hick was gone. That's not at all unusual. In fact, he had mentioned two days ago that he might take HOSS (Hick's Oldest Son's Son) on a day trip before school starts up again. He was thinking maybe to the city to see the Transportation Museum, or to Metropolis, Illinois, to the Superman statue and museum. However, the last update I heard from Hick the night before was that he hadn't heard back from HOS, so he didn't know if they were going.

In addition, I had originally wanted Hick to give me a wakeup call at 9:30, since I had plans on getting a haircut and doing some shopping, and if the weather is cloudy (it wasn't) I don't always wake up after my 5-6 hours of sleep. However, I told him to forget it, because if he was with HOSS, I didn't want him fiddling with his phone while driving. It's one thing for him to sweave ME within inches of death due to his distractions, but HOSS is only 10, and doesn't have a choice whether to be swoven dangerously.

As I walked to the kitchen to unplug my phone, I heard a message come in. It was from Hick. It provided me with no clues to his whereabouts.

"I tried to call you at 9 for the rest stop this phone wouldn't call for some reason"

Since I wasn't needing a rest stop, I figured this was just Hick-text saying that his phone wouldn't word at the rest stop for my wakeup call. I had NO IDEA what rest stop he was talking about. If he was going to Metropolis, he wouldn't have had time to get to a rest stop. I don't recall a rest stop on the way to the city. The only rest stop we frequent is down by Springfield (MO), totally in the other direction. Did Hick change his plans? Was HOSS unavailable? Had Hick taken himself on a flea market tour, or to the Case Knife factory outlet in Lebanon?

I sent back an OK text, not wanting to call Hick, in case he was pulling out on the highway from the rest stop. I went on about my day. Still no word from Hick after the shearing of my lovely lady-mullet and Walmart excursion (where I spent 17 minutes in line).

At 1:45, I tried to call Hick. Maybe he was alone, and headed back home. The call immediately went to voice mail. At 2:00, I tried again. Seven rings, then voice mail. Huh. IF he had taken the knife route, he would be in no-phone-land for 36 minutes. Maybe that was it. No. It was not.

At 3:36 p.m., Hick called and said, "We're on our way back now." Further interrogation revealed that he had indeed taken young HOSS to Metropolis, and that they'd taken pictures and had lunch at Dairy Queen, and that it's a 3-hour drive one-way. Poor HOSS! I hope that was worth getting up and leaving at 8:00 a.m. on one of his remaining sleep-in days before school starts.

So the mystery of Hick's disappearance was solved. But seriously. How hard would it have been for him to leave me a paper-plate note on the kitchen counter of where he was going?