I know we've covered this topic before. But you're not getting off the hook. No siree, Bob! If I have to relive it, YOU have to relive it. You only have Hick to blame. If he could follow instructions, or even demonstrate a modicum of common sense, we would not be in this leaky boat right now.
Last Thursday, I ascended the basement stairs to make my own supper. Hick had been out living it up with HOSS (Hick's Oldest Son's Son) having pizza, and paying his respects at a funeral home. With each step, my nostrils flared farther, my sinuses steamed severe-er, and my exasperation grew exponentially.
HICK'S COLOGNE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME
Hick has been warned before that this fragrance makes my eyes water, my nose burn, and gives me wheezing and a headache. Not saying I'm allergic or anything, that's just the reaction I have when Hick's cologne saturates my home atmosphere at 999,999 parts per million. I can only surmise that Hick continues to marinate himself in cologne because a) He doesn't care about anyone but himself, or b) He's trying to kill me.
There sat the premeditating murderer himself, kicked back in the La-Z-Boy.
"ACK! I can't believe you did that again! I've TOLD you I can't breathe when you wear that stuff."
"It's aftershave. I just splashed a little on."
"You always use TOO MUCH! It's like you drenched a ZZ Top beard in it! Not a little splash."
"Oh, Val. It ain't nothin'"
"It's like the Seinfeld car! If I tossed you to a bum on the street, he would TOSS YOU BACK!"
"I can't even smell it."
"The stench is unbelievable. You need to be encased in a HAZMAT suit to prevent your spread!"
"I only put on a little, when I got dressed up for the funeral."
"Here's some news. This is 2020. They don't stink anymore! You don't have to overpower the smell of the dead!"
"Oh, Val. You're so dramatic."
"I won't be able to sleep tonight. STAY OFF MY PILLOW! Each step I take toward the bedroom, it gets stronger! Yuck! The bathroom is contaminated! It's like GROUND NEGATIVE ZERO! I can't. I'll hold it until I get back downstairs!"
"MY LORD! You're the only one who can smell it!"
"Because you've chemically burned out your smell receptors! OH, NO! Did you drive THE ACADIA to the funeral home? DID YOU? I can tell by your non-answer that you DID! You'd better put the windows down, and leave them down all weekend!"
Seriously. I'm surprised you can't smell it through the computer screen, one week later! Here's a little clue. Hick refers to his cologne (I can't call it aftershave, because HICK DOESN'T SHAVE! He has a beard!) as "smelly-good." Imagine what kind of fragrance would be "splashed on" by a guy who wore THIS SHIRT for his son's college graduation pictures:
Uh huh. I thought you'd understand.
I'm hurting for blog material lately. I need to got to a casino, hunt for pennies, or...is Hick interested in a trip to Jersey?
ReplyDeleteHick would love a trip to New Jersey! He went there once on a business trip, to shut down one of his company's plants, and came home with a lawnmower that was being trashed.
DeleteI can rent him out, and your blog posts will write themselves! Unfortunately, Hick is leery of travel right now, in case motels or gas stations might be closed.
Hick is a conundrum...
ReplyDelete...bearing a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.
DeleteSo, he lookys good while he smellys good?
ReplyDeleteIn HIS mind. I'm surprised he doesn't carry a stick behind the seat, to ward off all the women. Oh, wait. He doesn't WANT to ward them off.
DeleteIt's Mizzourah, Val. Learn to live with it.
ReplyDeleteEvery day I have to pinch myself, giddy with glee, when I remember that at least Hick knows how to pronounce Missouri, and doesn't prance around in short-shorts.
DeleteLOL! If I'd known you were so entranced by those shorts . . .
DeleteI'm not sure "entranced" is the right term. More like they're burned into my brain!
DeleteHick can't smell it because he is used to it, like when you spray perfume on yourself, after a few minutes you no longer notice it. BUT, I think you should refuse to allow him to buy that particular brand and fragrance since you obviously are allergic to it. If he insists, then he needs to hose off before he comes inside. I don't care what the temperature might be, he still needs to hose it off, so there!
ReplyDeleteThat reminds me of our athletic boosters fundraiser at a previous school. All the coaches and club members loaded chickens from a local chicken farm onto cages that were placed on trucks going to Tyson.
DeleteOne coach's wife would meet him at the door of their house, tell him to strip off all his clothes and burn them, and then hose off! Nothing smells like a long metal chicken house in warm weather. Even Hick's smelly-good is a slight improvement.
Burn them??? Wat's wrong with hosing them off then washing them?
DeleteThe smell from working all day in a long metal building, walking down six or seven rows of cages, pulling flapping chickens from cages and stuffing them in bigger cages, while their poop runs down a trough, and sometimes gets spattered on you...is kind of hard on clothes. Imagine the smell of a little farm chicken house, multiplied exponentially.
DeleteI washed my own clothes. Three times. I guess she didn't want to deal with it. Everybody knew to wear their oldest rags. My shoes were never the same.
I wonder why you have not disposed of this smelly good. I learned early in our marriage that HeWho used too much of all the toiletry products and would expect me to replace them. Toothpaste and deodorant, that is all he gets. He uses way too much of those and I refuse to share a tube of toothpaste with him (which is how I was able to prove that he uses 3 tubes to my one) Deodorant provides him with more that enough smell because he uses 4 to my one of that!
ReplyDeleteI don't know where he hides it! Hick uses different toothpaste. He brushes his teeth in the shower. The shower is like a Swiss Army Knife to him! He does a lot of things in there besides showering.
DeleteReminds me of the male youth in our family one Christmas. The house reeked of their AXE SPRAY. An old German woman used to say about those who used too much cologne or smelly good, "Whew! You are under phooey and over hooey."
ReplyDeleteHaving spent 28 years in the classroom, and having two boys in the house, I am familiar with AXE!
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