Tuesday, May 28, 2013

There, But For the Loquaciousness of My Mother, Go I

I was off my regular schedule this morning. By the time I had showered and made a shopping list, I remembered that I had not called my mother as usual to check in. That was a problem. She hesitates to call during the summer months, lest she wake the sleepyhead Genius. Then she worries that something is wrong if she doesn't hear from me. Yet I was on the way to Walmart for the weekly supplies. To call would delay my trip by perhaps thirty minutes. On a good day.

The Pony and I left as planned. When we got to a manageable section of road, I handed him my phone. "Call Grandma for me." I figured I could check in quickly so she wouldn't worry.

"Hey, we're on our way to town. Just checking in to tell you we're all fine. I only have a minute. Do you need anything from Walmart?"

"I'm planning to go to Walmart later this afternoon. I need to get...what was it...my list is downstairs..." Of course I didn't want her to get her list. But that sounded like the plan. She's very thorough, my mom. I knew I had to nip that list trip in the bud, but without hurting her feelings. Especially when she said, "I'm upstairs now." That meant TWO flights of steps to fetch her shopping list.

"Hey! Did you finish those barbecued sausages Genius brought you yesterday?"

"Oh, no! I ate one last night. But I'm saving the other one for tonight."

"Do you know what goes good on them? Slaw."

"What? What goes with them?"


"I can't hear you. You're breaking up."


"Still didn't get it. Say it again."


"Oh, sauce."


"I have some slaw. I've been putting horseradish sauce on them. But I might get some more slaw when I go to town. I think it's on my list..."

"I really have to go now. I'm driving. I'm coming into town with the lights. I need both hands to go through those crooked lanes under the overpass."

"Oh. Okay. I'll let you go."

"All right. Bye."

"Is everyone okay? How about The Pony? How's he doing?"

"He's fine. Right behind me. I've really gotta go."

"Okay. Well...I'll get off of here now. You have a really good day."

"I will. Bye."

"Oh...well, I'll let you go. Bye."

That was close. I was already through the first stoplight, jostling for position with a panel truck for Hardee's. I handed the phone back to The Pony. "Make sure that goes off."

I'll call Mom again tonight. To hear what she got at the store. I'm her eight-dollar daughter, you know.


  1. That was a close call. That bullet was aimed right at you, but you dodged it.

  2. God rest her soul, my mother used to hang on to each of us as long as she could. If I called and asked if she had hairspray I could borrow, she'd say, "No, but I have ketchup, you need some?" She knew it would make me crazy and she could keep me engaged.

  3. You're very nimble. You have to be when dealing with parents.

  4. I would suggest teaching her to just text, but i'm guessing that is out of the question.

  5. You are an expert mother-juggler for sure. And I'm betting she thinks you're worth a little more than $8.

  6. I'm with Stephen. You learn to deal with them when you're twelve and keep on learning.

  7. Sioux,
    I'm a ninja!

    I hope her ketchup was not expired! My mom is a patron of Ye Olde Expired Food Shoppe, it seems.

    Again, proof that I'm a NINJA!

    She still has a little brick of a phone that is not even seen in the walls of those houses made from recycled plastic. She bypassed the flip phone and is now ready for a new brick. Texting is definitely out of the question. She can barely figure out how to answer it when it rings. She's always putting it on mute accidentally, and then wondering why nobody calls while she's out. Because of course she turns that cell phone off when it's in her house.

    I have not yet shown an increase on the Mom market. The last time she gave me money just for giving her leftovers or taking her for a ride, it was $8.00 even. Her birthday is Friday. I have invited her to ride with me to pay some bills, and I have last week's National Enquirer and Globe to give her. I am not expecting monetary thanks, because it IS her birthday. We'll see what develops.

    I HAVE grown accustomed to her ways. Forewarned is forearmed.