Friday, May 24, 2013

The Proof is in the Retail

Val strives to avoid controversial subjects such as politics, religion, corporal punishment, the death penalty, gay marriage, legalization of marijuana, and the bathed/cloaked in chocolate twin Twix factories. Looking for a timely, newsworthy story to be dissected into its component parts? Not gonna find it here. Until now!


TGI Fridays and several other restaurants were caught passing off fake top shelf alcohol. Some scotch was replaced with rubbing alcohol and caramel coloring! But at least that was alcohol. Even though the kind that might give you the jake leg, or make you blind, or downright kill you. Some folks only got dirty water for their big bucks. What's up with that, New Jersey? Here in Missouri, we would say SHOW ME the bottle! And we'd probably sniff it and take a swig. Just to make sure we weren't being bamboozled. Nobody gives a Missourian Mississippi River water and passes it off as alcohol, by cracky!

I am not a drinking woman. But if I was, I guarantee you I would notice that my Maker's Mark did not taste the same. Pippi Longstockings riding a unicorn with her hair blown out! A child could tell that her drink was dirty water and not top shelf bourbon. Not that I recommend giving a child dirty water OR top shelf bourbon. They can drink the tears they spout over not getting dirty water or top shelf bourbon. It's cheaper.

So what's the deal, New Jersey? I have not heard a rumor that your citizens are timid wallflowers, so meek they will pay out the patootie for substandard alcohol. Have they ruined their palates from a misspent youth of watering down the parents' liquor cabinets? Are they so wealthy they can throw money around being big shots, not caring about substandard beverages as long as they look like high rollers? Are they already so drunk when they go out that they don't notice their drink is not giving them a buzz? Let's get to the bottom of this mystery. Perhaps my cranky buddy Joe H. has some insight to share as an insider from the Garden State.

The investigation went on for a year. It was started because SOME people complained. Seriously? A multitude of customers were drinking substandard alcohol for an entire year, and these restaurants remained in business? How does that happen? Why did they keep going back for more?

Something is rotten in the state of New Jersey.


  1. Well, it IS called the "Garden State" and if their natives can be duped into believing that New Jersey isn't just one huge industrial dump and instead--is a garden--pulling the wool over their eyes with some dirty water is probably easy-breezy...

  2. Hmmm...that is embarrassing, but at least it came to light because New Jerseyians complained. My guess is for the most part they substituted less quality or expensive for rip off top an ex-drinker I knew several brands of scotch that are cheaper and just as good as Dewar's for example. The people being sold dirty water and such were probably already wasted. I never ordered top shelf because I've been told it is common practice to serve cheap and charge for the best, especially when used in a mixed drink. If they fool Residents of my great state, you can bet it is just the tip of the iceberg across the country...still I am a bit ashamed.

  3. Geeze that's as bad as brushing your teeth with water from a boiler that has a dead body floating in it. The foreigners thought that America's water trickled slow and tasted bad.

  4. Sioux,
    I caution you, Madam, in poking the land of the Cranky Old Man with a pointy Show-Me stick. Does he not have enough to contend with every time Snooki is on TV?

    True, some DID complain. We know the wool of dirty water could never be pulled over Cranky's eyes. In spite of the words that loom above your comment. And, going out on a limb here, I'm betting that you, sir, never got YOUR head stuck in a faculty bathroom sink.

    There's an idea. Send those tourists to New Jersey. They'll notice the difference, but will still pay, and attribute the irregularities to America's drinking habits.