Sunday, May 12, 2013

Sometimes, They Don't Come Back

You know that tantalizing smell of steaks grilling, the charcoal aroma, the caramelized BBQ sauce starting to blacken on the sausages? I don't. That's because I have not smelled since Monday. Yes. I realize that's hard to believe. But it's true. Much to my dismay. It did not, however, put the kibosh on Hick's plan to throw me a Mother's Day BBQ. Just the family, of course.

I was resigned to missing out on the free, community-church-provided chocolate sheet cake with vanilla buttercream icing on Tuesday for Teacher Appreciation Day. Didn't even risk losing an arm in the frothing, plastic-knife-infested circle of colleagues while reaching in for my share. I muddled through the Pasta House catered noodle lunch on Wednesday. Chugged some tasteless Hot & Sour soup on Thursday. Choked down a piece of gas station chicken on Friday. Bit into a bland taco salad on Saturday. And this morning, I took a bite of a McDonald's sausage biscuit that might just as well have been a Gaines Burger plopped between two slabs of cotton batting.

Yes, I think this head cold has overstayed its welcome. Normally, smell and taste return within two or three days. But not this time. My senses are still stifled. Saturday, I tried an experiment. In the past, I've had success in opening my nose with salsa. Eating it, of course. Not pouring it into my sinus cavities with a Neti Pot. Mild salsa, even. But this cloggage called for the big guns. I took several J. Higgs brand buffalo wing potato chips from the package Genius had been feeding on. Then I poured a shot glass equivalent of Frank's Original RedHot Wing Sauce, and dipped the chips and ate them! Nothing. No taste. Incredible. I'd already tried consuming mass quantities of water to thin the mucus. Sucking on Hall's Mentholyptus cough drops until my tongue burned. Putting a vibrating thingy from a travel neck pillow on my sinuses to loosen the blockage. Tilting my head various ways. Standing in a hot shower and breathing the mist. Nothing worked. Until...

Vicks VapoRub! Not rubbed on the chest like recommended. That only loosens the lung mucus so you wheeze and cough up liquid all night instead of sleeping. No, I'm talking about the hard-core remedy for a stuffed head and no smell or taste. PUT THE VICKS INSIDE YOUR NOSE!

Oh, yeah! That clears a path! Of course, you will feel like your nose is disintegrating from the burning chemicals. And all of your food will smell and taste like you have dipped it in Vicks VapoRub. But at least you'll have smell and taste!

What a delicious, if somewhat odorous, banquet my dear sweet Hick prepared for me this Mother's Day.


  1. BBQ with a side of Vicks? You hicks have some strange ideas of what is gourmet food.

  2. I am laughing out loud over here. Glad the gunk worked.

  3. Have you tried Afrin? It unclogs me in seconds when I have a cold.

  4. Sioux,
    We are simple folk. Thrifty, too. Have you seen the price of ham hocks down at the Save A Lot lately? You'd be better off carving up a pork tenderloin into your beans and cornbread. Vicks VapoRub optional, of course.

    It was so fantastic, I'm sure Mr. VapoRub regretted that the name Fantastik was taken.

    I have not. I'll need to check into the high-blood-pressure-friendliness of that drug you're pushing.

  5. I could easily be an Afrin junkie. I can't stand it when my nose is stuffed and I try and sleep. Maybe two straws up my snout would work.

  6. Mrs.,
    Sounds like that Afrin is good stuff. But if you decide on the straws, use bendy straws. That way, when you roll over, your brain won't get core-sampled.