Friday, May 3, 2013

I Am Josephine's Coccyx

The Pony and I witnessed a lawsuit in the making today. And by witnessed, I mean our backs were to the situation, but we filled in the details with our keen skills of fabrication.

There I was at the Walmart deli counter, not buying, just looking, for a baked chicken. They had none. Okay, that's not quite true. Old Mother Hubbard's poor dog could have had a hypertensive episode courtesy of lemon pepper chicken bones. But, like Old Mother Hubbard, I value the circulatory health of my companion. I did not buy the chicken with saline breasts.

I heard a cry. At first, I thought it was a laugh. I looked across the deli counter, but my view was obstructed by macaroni salad, Amish potato salad, three-bean salad, and cole slaw. The plastic hairnetted emplyee behind the counter did not miss a beat. She didn't even turn to look toward the cakes and donuts. "What's that?" I asked The Pony. "Did somebody fall?" He got all fidgety and peered around the deli case.

"Uh huh. There's a lady on the floor."

"Go see if you can help. You're a strong young man." A cake-baker had strolled out of her designated area to peer at Gravity's Victim.

"I'm not really all that strong." So much for making a Good Samaritan out of him. A man ran past us from the direction of the in-store Subway around the corner by the doors.

"My mom fell down." Wait a minute. How did he know that? It just happened. Was he watching on closed-circuit TV? Did he have her wired with a mom-cam? Nobody had gone past us the other way to tell him. Was this a scam in the making? He was a gray-hooded-sweatshirted, middle-aged guy, balding, kind of like Randy on My Name is Earl. He looked like he still could be living at home.

"Look again. Is she okay?" A few people had encircled her, and my new vantage point beside the footlong sandwiches did not enhance my view. I gave The Pony a little shove.

"I think she's okay. She's sitting up now. And moving. Her head isn't on the floor." We proceeded to the checkout. I was there so long that the Gravity's Victim entourage caught up to me. Got in line right behind. A man hovered over GV, asking if she was sure she was alright. GV nodded her white head.

I did not see what happened. Gravity's Victim could have been seriously hurt. She was no spring chicken. She whimpered for a while after her up-ending.

Here's the deal. Backroads has been under a downpour all day. Walmart had numerous buckets set out in the aisles, catching drippings from the ceiling. It is possible that Gravity's Victim slipped on some water that had not yet been observed and bucketed. Her clothing could have soaked up the moisture. It is also possible that GV and her son noticed the buckets and worked out a plan to squeeze money from the tight fists of Sam Walton's heirs. Unlikely. But possible.

I think Gravity's Victim, by not having a leg to stand on...has a leg to stand on.


  1. Scam, spam, ma'am, you'll find it all at Wally World. Speaking of leaks and buckets, my clasroom had a bunch of drips in it today, rainleaks too.

  2. Wait. Where is that Walmart, that Walmart with an obstacle course/fortune in every aisle?

    I want to go shop/slip there. Retirement is a long ways down the road for me, but with a nice tidy settlement, my teaching days could be over very soon.

    So where is it?

  3. The only thing missing was an attorney just happening by. Oh, wait, do lawyers even shop at Wally-World?

  4. I wonder if you're right and she plans to sue.

  5. Oh but I still hope she doesn't sue. Unless she's seriously hurt. I do believe that some things are just bad luck.

  6. Your blog title got my attention. Sorry to hear about the woman's fall. Hope she wasn't seriously hurt, and I hope it wasn't a scam.

  7. Linda,
    The contents of my classroom were as dry as the proverbial was the humor.

    Go south on 55, and take a right halfway there. This facility is better than a whole season of Wipe-Out.

    I don't know. We own a door on one's Mercedes, but I've never seen him in Walmart.

    She was ambulatory before she left. But, much like a rear-ender at a stoplight, you can never be sure until the next day when you talk to a lawyer and put on a neck brace.

    Funny how people can react differently when they fall at Walmart than when they fall on their neighbor's sidewalk.

    I used to be a big Readers Digest fan, especially the "I Am Joe's...(body part)" section. That lady was checking out when I left. I told my mom the story and she said, "I hope she didn't sign anything." Because you never know. She might have been hurt and didn't notice at the time, because of the adrenaline.