Thursday, May 30, 2013

Here's Your Chance to Get in on the Ground Floor

I'm all fired up with a new project tonight. Something I can market on the counter of my proposed handbasket factory. Of course, I'll need a little help from everyone. And I'm sure all of my selfless readers will not mind one bit foregoing the monetary benefits that might be involved, since it's all for a good cause: Val's pocketbook. Not to be confused with Val's handbasket.

Here's how it works. All of you will find a photo of a beloved pet, or even a child, if you're so inclined, in the most awkward and embarrassing situation imaginable. Fabricated embarrassment is not allowed. You can even use yourself if you have some sort of conscience that prevents you from putting your four-legged or two-legged loved one out there on the internet for ridicule. You can post it on your blog for me to enjoy at my leisure, and steal for my project. No watermarks, you hear! I'll not be wasting my valuable project money fighting you in various and sundry lawsuits. No sirree, Bob!

Sioux is exempt from her homework, unless she happens to have a photo of herself with her head stuck in a faculty bathroom sink. That's because I found a gem on her blog today. And no watermark, either! You might say that photo inspired my new project. Knowing what a giver Sioux is, I am sure she will not seek any part of my profit for a finder's fee. She might even kick in with a free title suggestion. Right now my working title is Val's Awkward Loved-One Photos. I'm sure it's never been done before. It will be unique to the market. One of a kind.

Now I'll start it off with the cover photo. Enjoy.

That's our long-haired goat, Nellie. She's looking pretty good for a two-time mother of twins, don't you think? Try not to mention her facial hair. She's not too keen on depilatories. That little goatee (Heh, heh, get it? I used "goatee" to refer to the beard on an actual goat!) does not seem to deter the fathers of her kids. Or else they just took advantage of her unfortunate entrapment in the goat pen fence, and never even looked into her blue, rectangular-pupiled eyes. Since Hick hooked her up with that contraption, she has not put herself in the stocks again. Every now and then, he has to replace it, because her peers like to nibble.

Come to think of it, I might be able to market that block of wood and yellow duct tape as a new form of goat birth control.

My proposed handbasket factory is gonna need a bigger counter.


  1. I'm confused. Nellie gets pregnant because of her horns? Or she gets stuck in a fence allowing males to have their way with her? I'm a boy of the suburbs and not knowledgeable in the way of farm animals.

  2. Stephen,
    The curvature of Nellie's horns kept her trapped with her head in the fence for up to nine hours at a time. If she got stuck right after we left home in the morning, she had to stand there all day with her nether regions exposed to horny old goats until we returned and rescued her. I won't presume that she was an unwilling participant, but her physical power to say "No!" was severely limited.

    The fence is what we call "hog fence" around here. It's made of squares of wire. Like an doomed six-legged guest in a Roach Motel, Nellie could check in, but she couldn't check out. Her horns would hit the wire. One of us humans would have to grab her head and manipulate it like a Chinese metal puzzle to get her horns loose.

  3. I think your goat is just into bondage!

  4. Is Nellie the only goat that gets her horns stuck in the fence?

    And no, I give lots of things away for free--lessons on useful finger gestures, advice, my favorite phrases I've heard from sailors--but when the giving involves money out of my pocket, no way, so you had better keep accurate records of the money you make on this project, and I expect at least 10%. At least...

  5. My first thought was not a birth control device. I seriously though the genius and pony had devised a new game of launch the ping pong ball through the goal. Poor old goat. I rather like her new do.

  6. Hey Val, I nominated you on my blog: and I promise when things slow down here, I will be better about reading your blog cause you're so funny. Nellie looks like a cute little stinker (my pet name for all cute animals: stinker!)

  7. joeh,
    The little imp! That's one conspiracy that slipped right by me!

    Yes. We had an old goat we named Longhorn who could not fit his head through the fence. The others had their little nubbins cauterized as kids, thus no horns, or they have horns that curl backwards and don't flare out like Nellie's.

    I hope you're giving those sailors 10% of something, after stealing their vocabulary.

    My boys would be more likely to start after Nellie with cardboard Christmas wrap whackers, then turn them on each other, before contriving a game with a goat.

    Thanks for VALidating me on your blog. I'll see what I can do, what with all that sweetness just oozing out my pores 24/7/365.

  8. Oh, I wish I'd seen this right after you posted it. I've got a good one, but not on this laptop. Dangit. And I'm out of town.

  9. MommyX,
    I'm sure you'll have no shortage of this type of photo. And you're just the type to post them, too!