Val Is Tired of Being a Cash Cow

I'm mad as Not-Heaven, and I'm not going to take it anymore! I'm incensed. Steamed. Hot under the collar. About to blow my top. Somebody has yanked my chain, and rained on my parade. I have an ax to grind, a bug up my butt, my (granny) panties in a wad, my nose out of joint. I am up in arms, beside myself, going off the deep end, spitting nails, seeing red, flying off the handle, and about to have a cow.

Oh, wait. I AM the cow.

Here's the deal. About a month ago, Hick said we should switch our trash service to a new company over in Bill-Paying Town. He said five or six of our neighbors had switched, and were saving a lot of money. I told him I'd check into it when our bill came due. We pay three months at a time, and they don't give refunds for partial billing.

Since we moved out here a few months before The Pony was born, we've had the exact same trash service. Always had the same size pull-dumpster, always paid on time. That trash company doesn't know how lucky they are that none of their quarterly bills ever got lost by the post office! Anyhoo...over the years, the price of trash pickup has been increasing. At least a couple times a year. Sometimes every three months. The increase was always listed as "increased transportation charges."

I know that we live in the middle of nowhere. And that gas for garbage trucks costs money. But we never got a decrease in our bill during the rare times when gas prices were down for several months. Also, we sometimes didn't have trash pickup if there was snow or rain on our pickup day. Even though we could get in and out with our automobiles, even Hick in the Trailblazer whose 4WD never worked. So you'd think a big trash truck was heavy enough to make it up a snowy hill, or ford a small torrent of water. As you might imagine, we never got a credit on our bill for those weeks that we didn't get trash pickup.

When we first started this trash service, it was under $100 for the whole three months. At this time, we are paying $197 for three months of weekly trash pickup. That comes to $15.15 per week, if you figure that three months contains 13 weeks. Looking at it monthly, our trash bill is $65.67.

Unfortunately, we are like the proverbial frog in a pot of boiling water. We have been slowly simmering for 20 years, absorbing the bill increases steadily. Had our bill jumped to $197 after we first signed up, we'd have jumped out of that pot.

Anyhoo...our next three months of trash service starts August 1. So I looked into the new service with headquarters in Bill-Paying Town, and called Friday morning to join their route. It costs $22 per month. That's $66 for three months. The dumpster is exactly the size we have now, and the only difference is pickup on Wednesdays instead of Fridays.

Once I was certain our trash had been picked up Friday, I called the old trash service to cancel. You know how that goes. They put you on hold while they look up your account. For about 10 minutes. Oh, and before they look it up, they ask why you want to cancel. I don't care if they know. I said, "Because I have a new trash service that costs less money." Straightforward.

Once that gal came back on the line, she said, "Thank you for waiting, Mrs. Thevictorian. I see that you are a long-time customer. It looks like you have been paying too much for your service. What would it take?"

"I'm sorry. I'm not sure what you're asking."

"I can get your service for $25.67 per month."

"No. I'm done. My new service is cheaper. Close out my account."

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME???

We have been paying $66.67 per month for years, and NOW all at once, we are paying too much for our trash service, and they can SLASH OUR BILL by $41 per month???

THAT'S GARBAGE!!!

I called Hick and told him I was livid. He kind of chuckled, and said, "You should have said, 'So you'll be sending me a refund for all the years we overpaid?'" Heh, heh. That Hick is a real card sometimes. I wish he'd been the one to call, because I didn't think of that!

"I didn't think of that. But I wish I'd said, 'It's none of your &@*% business why I want to close my account, and you can take your &*#%#*& discount and shove it up your @$$!"

I didn't, though. Because the lady herself was perfectly polite. She was just reading from her script, following company policy. I imagine that if I'd said I would keep their service for $50 per month, that would have been our new trash bill. Because they'd still be scamming me out of $25 a month, if they could actually give me a deal for $25.67.

Yes. I am seething. Say goodbye to this fellow for good!