Friday, September 4, 2020

Too Many Non-Cooks Spoil the Sloth

Get ready for a rant! I've been holding it in for a while now. About six months... My blood is near to boiling! There are too darn many people in this pressure cooker!

Let the record show that Val is not known for whipping up sumptuous feasts for her menfolk every night. Some might even term her meal performance as slothful. Darn those who would do that! I'd shake my palsied fist at them if it didn't take so much energy.

Anyhoo... Wednesday night, Hick and The Pony were having leftovers for supper. I'd made them elbow macaroni with red sauce two nights before. Plenty of it. Because it saves energy if I can stretch it to three meals. They each had an opaque quart container that once held takeout Hot & Sour Soup. The Pony had just noodles and sauce, while Hick had the noodles and sauce with hamburger and mushrooms added.

The Pony was almost done. He'd handed me his empty container, which I wiped out and filled with water and Dawn dishwashing liquid, and set beside the sink until they were done eating, at which time I'd wash up the dishes.

The Pony had taken some rolls out of the oven, and was microwaving his bowl of noodles. I had The Pony under control. He's pretty manageable if you tell him step by step what to do.

I also was getting ready to take a picture of The Pony's zip-lock baggie faux pas from yesterday, and readying a couple of frozen chimichangas that I would be having for my supper. The HICK appeared at the kitchen door, home from looking at some acreage with Back Creek Neighbor Nick.

"Go ahead and get yours ready. The rolls just came out, and they're hot. I want to get your dishes ready to wash."

Hick immediately set his stuff on the open section of counter where I was going to take my picture of the baggie box.

"No, I'm working here. Don't take up my space and get greasy stuff on the counter. I just cleaned that off. You always want to use the space I have set aside for something else."

Hick huffed and turned to use the cutting block.

Seriously. I'd handed him a bowl. All he had to do was scoop out noodles and sauce and set it in the microwave. It didn't need to be done IN MY SPACE.

After their feast, The Pony took his bowl to the kitchen. I heard him as he tore a paper towel to wipe it out, and set it in the sink with water and his utensils.

When I returned to the kitchen, bringing Hick's dirty dishes rather than waiting until he was good and ready to haul them in, I saw a horrific sight! There was an opaque container coated with sauce and particles of hamburger and mushrooms, sitting in the sink 3/4 full of water! Cold water! Aww NOT-HEAVEN, NO!

Hick has been lectured 10,000 hours and 10,000 more over these past 30 years, not to do that cold grease thing with the dishes. He swore he didn't put it in there. Denial is one thing. But then Hick went TOO FAR!

"I handed my container to you, and you ran water in it."

WHYYYYYYYY? Even Nancy Kerrigan knows that I would never, EVER do such a thing! Especially after lecturing Hick on this very topic for our entire marriage, and having wiped out The Pony's container and added Dawn to it, a mere 10 minutes before!

I know Hick did it!

But here's the most egregious incident of the evening. A LID IS MISSING! How can I have two containers with two lids, but 10 minutes later, I have two containers and ONE lid? It's not that I'm upset about losing a part of my Hillbilly Tupperware. I'm upset about something disappearing into thin air!

I noticed the discrepancy as I was finishing the dishes. I searched everywhere. The sink, the counter, the cutting block, the floor, the stools under the cutting block, the paper plate area at the other end of the counter, inside FRIG II, inside the bread cabinet, elbow deep in the trash... THAT LID WAS GONE!

I'm pretty sure Hick lost it. As The Pony verified, I'd laid his lid on the counter by the sink as I was wiping out his container. Yet Hick swears that he handed to me, and that I filled it with cold water, no soap, with mushrooms and hamburger and sauce clinging to the sides. Not bloody likely!

I know I don't spend one more iota of time cooking meals than I can get away with. But this disappearing lid conspiracy has set me off! I'm spoiling for a fight! I mean... I'm looking forward to a calm discussion until I get a confession, or that lid reappears. This is too much work for a sloth like me.


  1. LOL...Tommy swears he did not do things he really does do! The lid probably is deeper in the trash. Ask me how I know.

    1. I acknowledge your theory, and respect your trash-digging skills. Methods of locating the evidence in your region, however, may not apply to my region!

      #1) I am also an accomplished trash digger. I found the METAL FORK that a teenage guest of a guest threw away at Hick's retirement BBQ. I even documented the discovery with a photo!

      #2) The way it goes around HERE, when Hick or The Pony throw something away, it is laid across the top of the trash. They don't shove it down, or try to put it with like items to decrease the volume of trash. Such as putting paper plates against each other, vertically, along the side of the wastebasket, or stacking bowls inside each other. Or nesting cups, like my 44 oz Diet Coke cups that take up much less room in a stack.

      Nope. they will lay a plate across the top like they're building a house of cards, blocking other smaller items that could be dropped to the depths in the cracks between the flattened side-dwelling paper plates, stacked bowls, and nested cups.

      SOMEWHERE, that lid is going to turn up, SOME DAY.

  2. If I ever lost a id I would have to run and hide...maybe under a large towel.

    1. At least you would be able to survive your under-towel time, eating delicious forbidden snacks!

  3. I thought The Pony wiped out his own container, but later it reads that you did it. I think Hick is a lost cause, much like that missing lid.

    1. I wiped the container as The Pony was warming his food. After eating, he wiped out his bowl before putting it in the sink.

      Hick pretty much does as he pleases, tuning me out. He goes missing sometimes, too!