Back-of-the-Book-Blurb #99 "The Potty Mouth"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week Val brings you a profile of a soon-to-be-famous feline. He's not quite as grumpy as a certain furry celebrity, but he's undoubtedly cleaner. Speaking of cleaning...it's springtime, so maybe you should sift through your couch cushions for odd Cheerios and Cheetos and spare change, and let Val's fake book help you get rid of that clutter. You can keep the odd Cheerios and Cheetos. Just send the spare change. Get Val's latest fake book while it's hot. Nobody likes a cold fake book.

The Potty Mouth

Cat A. Clysm rules the roost. He was quite perturbed when Grumpy Cat hit the social media scene, taking Cat's rightful place in pop culture. So Cat has devised a way to get noticed.

Eschewing his litter box, Cat waits until he hears a human coming, and crouches over the toilet. He even paws the handle to flush. Cat's human family gets rid of the litter box, and installs a special small toilet just for Cat, not realizing that Cat can't tear off the toilet paper for proper wiping. Try as he might, the roll ends up unwound, and on the floor. So Cat must resort to cleaning himself the old-fashioned way.

Cat's people can't quite figure out Cat's unquenchable thirst and surly attitude after a visit to his new toilet. Cat can't figure out how to request a bidet. Will a cat psychic save the day before the poop hits the fan? (153 words)
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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Grumpy Cat..."I'm sending along a complimentary bottle of GermX. To Cat. Thevictorian will get lye soap for washing out her fingers. Shame on her for foisting this fake book upon us." 

Katzenjammer Kids..."Thevictorian's fake book is cruel prank on the literary world. She should be soundly spanked for her naughtiness, and sent to bed without gas station chicken."

CATherine Zeta Jones..."I'm sure that if Cat A. Clysm could speak, he would do so with an English accent, much like the one I developed after attending college in Springfield, Missouri. I am embarrassed to admit that this fake author attended the same university as I. Please do not let that influence your future donation to this fine institution."

Catapult..."This fake book should be flung as far as humanly possible with rudimentary man-made tools. Preferably over the edge of the flat Earth, where it will never be seen again."

Catnap..."I dozed off before I was done with the first fake page. This book serves no purpose other than as a sleep aid."

Catalytic Converter..."This fake author is full of hot air. Her work is toxic, and there should be regulations to keep her in check."

Catacomb..."This fake author's fake career is as dead as my occupants."

Cataract..."This fake author clearly has no vision. Her plot is cloudy, and I see no future for her in the literary world."

Catsup..."If Thevictorian was a catsup, nobody would ever smack the bottom of the bottle, trying to get her out. They'd leave her sealed inside indefinitely."

Catwalk..."This fake book's plot is thinner than the models who strut my surface."

Cattails..."Thevictorian's fake writing is nothing but fluff. She is so deep in the weeds with this fake book that even a big ol' hungry gator would leave her be. Somebody needs to drain the swamp to rid us of Val Thevictorian."

Cat-O-Nine-Tails..."If ever a fake author deserved a reminder to cease fake-writing fake books, it's Thevictorian. I and my nine tails will be sure that she never forgets. Such a flogging should stop her from slogging through any more half-hearted literary fake efforts.