Back-of-the-Book-Blurb #100 "The Bulky Blabbermouth"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Stranger than fiction? This week's fake book pays homage to one of Val's fallen comrades in the Blogosphere. Some of you will recognize the similarity of this fake book's protagonist to one of her former regular readers. It's pure coincidence, though! Legally. Get your fake copy today, even if it means that you have less money to spend at the starving artist sale down at the Holiday Inn.

The Bulky Blabbermouth

Tired of his travels to the far corners of the world, the Bulky Blabbermouth has booked a vacation at Club Dead, in exotic New Jersey. His days are spent toasting his old friend, the Cantankerous Elderly Gentleman, with dirty-water cocktails, while Mrs. B and Mrs. C relax on the beach. The Bulky Blabbermouth is a shadow of his former self, and likes to parade around in short-shorts, a style he borrowed from another buddy, famous for crossing state lines.

Will Bulky return home to peacefully fill his days with painting masterpieces? Or will rabble-rousers hired by Goodwill picket his garage studio over his habit of haggling for lower-priced frames? (109 words)

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Whales, waiting to beach themselves..."We wish this Blogosphere celebrity would clear out. We have NEEDS, you know! Unlike this fake book. Which NOBODY needs." 

The Beach..."I am so despondent after reading this fake book that I'm doing away with myself one grain at a time. Some people call it erosion, but I consider it my goodbye to this cold, cruel world of Thevictorian's fake literature."

Mysterious Carcasses of Mysterious Beasts, washed up on shore..."Much like Thevictorian, we don't know what is wrong with us. And, much like after fake-reading her fake writing, people grow nauseous when they see us."

Plum Island..."I'm in the vicinity, and I offer this fake author a FREE weekend getaway! Nobody deserves it more than she."

Pier..."I will selflessly make myself available for this author to take a loooong walk."

Sunburn..."The sting of this fake book never goes away. Not with time, not with a cold shower, not with a barrel of Unguentine."

Conch Shell..."I've heard that if you hold Thevictorian's head up to your ear...you can hear the ocean."

Hermit Crab..."My family tree is sawing off the branch that Thevictorian belongs to! We are ashamed that she takes the ideas of others, and uses them for her own fake books."

Tsunami..."The wave of Thevictorian's fake books over the past year has proven quite destructive. Warnings should be issued before each fake release."

Speargun..."Ain't THAT the truth! I am spearheading an effort to ban Thevictorian's fake literature. She is feeding us a line of crap, and many people have been triggered by her pointed barbs. If we put her under enough pressure, and give her enough rope...I think we can rig up a mechanism where Thevictorian gets the shaft."

Sex on the Beach..."I am one thing Thevictorian will never have! I will make it my life's work to keep myself out of her mouth. Even a dirty-water cocktail would be embarrassed to be tossed down Thevictorian's hatch. If she falls off the wagon, I will be so consumed with shame that I might just schnapp!"