Friday, November 3, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #83 "Thevictorian, Pain and Gall"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Problem is, Val has nothin' this week. Nada. Not a word in her head for putting on the page. Fake-writer's block, it is. Val has nothing to say. Not an inkling of an inspiration. She had a good 82-book fake run, but now she's tapped out. Dry as a Dust Bowl cowboy riding at the back of the herd, eating crackers. But you should still buy the fake book!


Thevictorian, Pain and Gall

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Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Sarah, Plain and Tall..."This fake author has a lot of gall to pretend to be a fake writer. I would never pretend to be something I'm not. This gal is a pain, and if I received an unsolicited copy of this fake book in the mail, I would send it back!" 

St. Louis Furniture Store Owners Brooke and Amy Dubman..."This is quite possibly the best fake book Thevictorian has not-written. We're giving one away for free with the purchase of every set of office furniture. It's the least we can do. Because you like nice things, and a fake book with no fake writing is the nicest thing Thevictorian has ever done for the literary world."

Baby Jessica, 30 years later..."Even if I'd had a flashlight down in that well, and even if I could've moved my arm to hold it, and even if I'd been a precocious 18-month-old reader...I still would not have passed my 58 hours reading this fake book with no words."

Cosmo Kramer..."This gal has written a fake book without any words! Can you believe it? That gives me the jimmy-legs! Nobody's gonna put THIS on a coffee table!"

The Insides of Ed, Wife of H.I. McDunnough..."Like we are a rocky place where HI's seed can find no purchase...Thevictorian's fake book is a barren wasteland where fake-readers can find no pleasure."

Ellsworth Kelly..."I can't believe people fake-buy this fake book. It's NOTHING! Thevictorian's contributions to literature are minimal, at best. A toddler could produce fake writing of the same quality."

The Emperor..."My new clothes had more substance than Thevictorian's fake writing! Just ask the townspeople!"

A Vacuum..."This fake book is devoid of substance. A black hole wouldn't even be attracted to it. As my cousin Hoover might say, 'This fake book sucks more powerfully than I.' He's a great grammarian, my cousin Hoover. Sadly, the same cannot be said for Thevictorian."

Hollow Tree leased by Keebler Elves..."I have found a way to bring joy to people by using my nothingness as a platform to spread sweet goodness throughout the world. Thevictorian has not."

Al Capone's Vault..."Yes! Now there's a better reference for emptiness than ME, and it's Val Thevictorian's 83rd fake book!" 

Bonneville Salt Flats..."Nobody is setting a new land speed record rushing to fake-buy Thevictorian's latest fake book. I don't mean to brag, but I, alone, could have provided more than enough trees to publish the number of this fake tome needed to fill the orders."

12 comments:

  1. This is, without a doubt, the best & most interesting fake book you have ever fake written!!

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    1. Thank you! I'll take any compliment I can get!

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  2. I guess it all depends on what your definition of "fake" is.

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    1. Wait! We can make up our own definitions? Maybe I should fake-write my own dictionary!

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  3. A fake book with no words, pitched by the author with no words, and to be paid for with fake money...I'm speechless, count me in.

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  4. Val--If you have a review from Al Capone's vault, you could have had Geraldo Rivera...

    I deliberately pick photos I have nothing inspiring to write about (on first glance). It usually isn't until I'm posting (late) that something comes to me.

    Cosmo and his jimmylegs are always a welcome reference...

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    1. I reached out to Geraldo for a fake review, but he said he was too busy styling his mustache for a night out with Phil Donahue, Sally Jessy Raphael, and Jenny Jones.

      I've had that problem with other photos, and managed to come up with a spark of an idea at the last minute. This one did not speak to me. I couldn't be my frivolous self with it. This is why I don't write fiction. Even fakely.

      Cosmo, that hipster doofus, is always willing to throw me a bone.

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  5. Fake Writer's Block, that's a good one.

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  6. I loved your fake reviews of the fake non-book. This was definitely a hard one for me too.

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    1. Thanks. Yours turned out well! I'm jealous!

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