Sunday, September 14, 2014

Mine Is Not to Reason Why. Mine Is But to Freeze and Fry.

I called my mom before church this morning. She's always ready, waiting to talk to me, whether it's 8:00 or 9:30. "Oh, I'm ready. All I have to do is put my shoes on."

Today she was breathless as she answered the phone around 8:30.

"Oh. Weren't you expecting my call?"

"Yes. But I was on the way downstairs, carrying my heater. I'm on the kitchen phone."

"I just have a minute. Why are you carrying your heater? Didn't you turn on your heat? It was 39 or 40 degrees last night!"

"Well...when I was ready to go to bed, my thermostat still said it was 70, so I thought I would wait until morning. You know. I thought it might keep me awake."

That's MomLogic. How a heat pump/forced-air furnace is going to keep her awake at night is beyooooond me. She falls asleep with the television on. It's not like that furnace is going to blow heated air through the vents with the force of sound waves from a Maxell cassette tape through a stereo speaker. I suppose she thinks it's too early to turn on her furnace. Like it does not merely involve pushing a lever on her thermostat, but something much more strenuous and permanent, like sawing down all the trees in a ring around her house (with the help of her unliked neighbor and a two-man saw) and setting them ablaze to keep her house warm for the winter.

As far as carrying the electric heater downstairs...that's folly! I suppose Mom had taken it upstairs to her bathroom to take the chill off during her church bath. I hope her bathtub was not still full of that water she warned me about when I went up to use that bathroom. Maybe she had to chop through ice on the creek to carry buckets of water to the tub, since her faucets might have prevented her from hearing the phone ring on my call. You never know.

One thing I DO know is that an octogenarian has no business lugging an electric tower ceramic heater up and down two carpeted flights of stairs in a split-level brick home, with only a rickety wrought-iron railing as a barrier between her and an unfortunate fall. Get another heater already! They're only about $50 at Walmart. I think you can have one on each floor if you desire.

Of course, there's that other alternative of RUNNING THE FURNACE!


  1. Well I can't comment here because, like your mom, I decided it was too early to turn on the furnace. Luckily a down comforter and sweatshirts are easier to carry than a heater.

  2. I'm pretty sure there is a rule that you can't turn on the furnace until October. My mom never did.

  3. Buy her a heater and buy it soon! Make sure you have the talk about electrical appliances and water.

  4. She is thrifty, your mom. And set in her ways. When I go to my dad's, Mama has that thermostat set on 79, no matter the temperature outside. "ain't nobody gonna sleep cold in my house!"

  5. I've never seen my furnace. It's in the attic and I don't go up there. It's set to keep the house the same temperature all year. The air conditioner automatically kicks in when it gets too hot.

  6. My mother pushed that thermostat so much she nearly wore down the tip of her index finger. I kept telling her it was a Heat-o-later or whatever they are called and she was not to adjust it. But listen to me? Are you kidding!

  7. I think Hick needs to get that little cabin that he missed out on, and that can be your mom's new place. It is so small, she could be kept at a comfortable temperature all year.

    And she'd be within hollering distance of you...

    1. Sioux,
      Hick will gladly build her a cabin. Just as soon as he's done with his Little Barbershop of Horrors. Just this evening, he was out scavenging new old parts.

      I imagine he even has an old furnace or two to keep her warm...IF she'll turn them on.

  8. Tammy,
    You look pretty good for an octogenarian. Had me fooled!

    That must be in the rule book between You Can't Go Barefoot Until May 1st, and The Christmas Tree Can't Go Up Before December 15th.

    And to think...she's always offering to buy ME a heater because she thinks I like hers so much. Sure I like it. Because without it I would FREEZE when I go for a visit.

    Oh. I didn't know they lived in Del Boca Vista with Morty and Helen Seinfeld. Do they go out to dinner at 4:00, and have a fold-out couch with a steel bar about back level for guests to sleep on?

    That's the way a proper thermostat works. We used to have one, until it got replaced with a brand new one. Soon we'll be back to building a fire on the cave floor every night for heat.

    I have come to the conclusion that the elderly do whatever they darn well please, and snicker at us behind our back.