Saturday, September 6, 2014

Hick, We Heartily Knew Ye!

Today I cooked a roast. Isn't that what everyone does when a cold front rolls in? After weeks of temps in the upper nineties, the mercury only rose into the mid-seventies today.

I had rushed to Save A Lot for supplies before it was time for The Pony to leave for his first bowling league performance of the season. I was cutting up carrots and onions when Hick came in through the kitchen door, fresh from mowing my mom's yard.

"Oh! Carrots and onions!"

I'm sure he was fishing for more information. I withheld it. Let them eat carrots and onions, I say! Even Hick must have known there would be meat involved in such an elaborate meal. Baby carrots don't just bust out of the package and jump into the big black-and-white spotted roasting pan (identical to the one on the porch shelf that holds my sweet, sweet Juno's beloved cat kibble), you know. Nor do onions shed their skins and quarter themselves. The potatoes had not yet been summoned to the counter.

The small roasting pan was also called into service. We love some roasted veggies around this ol' homestead. I doused my rooty friends with a bit of vegetable oil, some steak sauce, a dash of Worcestershire sauce, and a dusting of Hidden Valley Ranch Dip Mix powder, then ground some fresh black pepper over the top. Into the two-element oven they went, to soften up before the roast was added.

When Hick and The Pony came home around 3:00, I had just taken the hearty meal out of the oven and placed the two roasting pans on the stove top to rest. I'll be darned if a roast is going to rest while Val I went to have a short nap. I knew Hick was home because I was startled awake by his question:

"Taking a nap?"

Seriously. Who asks that? Because there is no way to answer. 'Yes' is a lie, because you're obviously not sleeping. 'No' implies that the asker is crazy. 'Of course I'm not taking a nap. Whatever made you think THAT? As if people laying in bed in the middle of the day are trying to catch up on some sleep!'

Seeing that my extra winks were cut short in their prime, I had a question of my own for Hick.

"Did you lift the lid?"


"I'm sure you did."

"No I didn't!"

"Come on. Tell me the truth. You lifted the lid on the roast, didn't you?"

"No. I just looked at it."

"Oh. So now you can see through metal? You looked at it, but didn't lift the lid? How can you do that?"

"I just looked at it."

"So you DID lift the lid!"

"Well, okay. But I just looked at it to see what it was."

"Why didn't you just admit that you lifted the lid, instead of saying 'No'?"

"Because I thought you were going to ask me if I ate some, and so I had already planned to say 'No' when you asked."

"Did you eat some?"


"Like I'm going to believe you now."

One of these days, Hick is going to learn who he's dealing with. The Closer. I will get my confession.


  1. Hick's The Opener and you're The Closer. It's a match made in heaven.

  2. We need to stop the water boarding and let YOU do interrogations for the CIA .

  3. If I did that I would have been called a jerk!

  4. Sioux,
    I see what you did there! If only I had known you were going to say that, I could have stolen it for my title.

    Darn tootin'! I have my ways of getting information. Mostly, I just wear down my subjects until they give up.

    It's not the fact that he took the lid off the roast, but the fact that he denied it. Don't get me started on asking him if he took a bite.

    Because your roast was not violated.

  5. Why can't they just admit it without an interrogation?

  6. For a second there I was really hoping he had Superman-like x-ray roast-vision rather than deal with the horrible reality of his being a peeping Hick. Also, I'm having Blogger issues. If I posted twice, would you please remove one? Thanks.

  7. Kathy,
    Hope springs eternal that they'll get away with one.

    Yep. He's a peeping Hick. I seriously cannot believe he didn't know what was in there. I have never cooked anything else in that pan on a bed of carrots, potatoes, and onions.

    Maybe, when I'm feeling particularly contrary, I can cook up a roast with veggies, set it aside, and put something else in that pan. Something like a little stuffed-pig dog toy or some such item. That'll learn him!