Thursday, September 4, 2014

And They Want To Be Paid HOW MUCH Per Hour?

About once a week, the Thevictorian family has Domino's Pizza for supper. Usually, it's on a night when The Pony has to stay after school for Scholar Bowl practice, and Big Brother comes on at 7:00. We know the order, we know how long it takes to get there, and we know the amount. The Pony goes in to get it, and he always pays with exact change. He's the Norm of Domino's Pizza. Everybody knows his last name.

Last week, we had a new girl take the order. She was not very good. But she was cheerful and polite. "Oh, let me ask." And she did. Our routine was not disrupted. When The Pony went in to pay, he said the regular guy, behind her back, was holding his hand in a claw like he was going to twist her head off. Still, the pizza was good enough. Even though the leftovers I took the next day had beef that tried to stampede its way out of my descending colon.

Yesterday, we had what Genius's old prospective iPhone seller from China on eBay would NOT have called a Professional Sunshine Experience. The minute I crossed over the highway into residential space, I had The Pony dial the number and hand me the phone. Normally, by the time I get to the stop sign by the park that holds the Labor Day Picnic, the order is complete, and we have fifteen minutes until it's ready. That leaves time to stop for gas, or tire air, or for The Pony to buy a bottle of Sprite. He likes to eat his pizza piping hot on the way home. He saves the breadsticks and some pizza for the next evening. It's a finely-choreographed ballet. Let no Domino's worker tear it asunder. Like that one The Pony saw riding a push broom like a stick horse from the oven room to the pick-up shelves a couple years ago. The dude who answered the phone yesterday sorely tried Val's patience.

"Domino's Pizza. This is Doofus. What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to make a carry-out order."

"A CARRY-OUT ORDER?" So silly of me to think he might be familiar with that concept, working at a pizza place.

"Yes. I'm going to order it, then pick it up when it's ready."

"What's your name?"


"T H E V I C T O R I A N?" Like he can't see that on their magic caller ID.


"Phone number BR 549?" Like he can't see THAT as well. Like I have stolen a phone with the sole purpose of prank-ordering pizza. I'm sure there was a record of every order we've ever made there.


"What do you want?"

"A large hand-tossed cheese pizza, a large thin-crust sausage, beef, and onion, and an order of breadsticks."

"Do you want marinara sauce with those breadsticks?"

"Don't they come with marinara sauce?"


"Then I want it. And I also want a garlic butter sauce."



"Oh. You want garlic dipping sauce?"


"All right. That will be thirty-one dollars."

"I don't think so! We order every week, and it's never that much."

"Oh. Wait. Can you hold on?"


"Ma'am? I found you a coupon. That will be twenty-four sixty-two."

"No. Don't you have the mid-week special?"


"Yes. It's only been advertised on TV for about two years now. A large pizza for seven ninety-nine."


"Yes. We order it every week."

"Oh. Wait. Can you hold on? Ma'am? Can you hold on?"

"We'll be there by the time you take the order."

"Sorry, Ma'am. I've been busy."

"I'll hold on."

"Ma'am? Okay. That will be twenty-two ten, and it will be ready in ten or fifteen minutes."

"All right."

Seriously? This is the best worker they could hire? The girl last week was manager material compared to Doofus. You might as well put your toddler on the phone to take orders. At least he would be cute. And almost as competent. I don't tend to get all smart-alecky with food orders. But I was having a hard time biting my tongue with this guy. If The Pony hadn't been counting on pizza for supper, I would have said, "Forget it!"

We wasted some time at Casey's convenience store after The Pony got his Sprite. Contemplated filling T-Hoe's leaky left front tire. Blocked the air hose, but decided against it. Counted out correct change. Waited to dart across traffic to the lake road, the one which would take the most time. When we arrived at Domino's, the parking lot was full of cars. There are usually two delivery cars, and one other car with people picking up pizza. I'd say there were twelve cars on the lot yesterday.

The pizza tasted fine. But I wonder how much sputum, urine, and ejaculate we ingested.


  1. We can only imagine. At least it tasted fine. And to think we were going to order a pizza tonight. I think I'll stick with a tuna sandwich.

  2. Ewww...
    The Stern Show has a bit where they call in a pizza order. "I want a large sausage pizza."

    "A large sausage pizza?"
    "Yes, but hold the sausage."
    "So a large plain pizza."
    "Yes, but could you make that smaller that the regular large pizza?"
    "SO one plain pizza."
    "Yes, but hold the cheese."
    "OK, a regular pizza hold the cheese."
    "Yes, but can you hold the sauce and just put it on the side?"
    The pizza guy finally hangs up.
    You might try this with Doufus.

  3. Today I spent lunch in the teachers' lounge hearing about a colleague's brother-in-law (he lives in Venezuela) tapeworm. And then someone brought up some "discovery" show about a roach that crawled into somebody's ear canal. The horror show continued until our lunch 1/2 hour was finished.

    If only sputum, urine, ejaculate (and don't forget poop) had made an appearance.

  4. Stephen,
    Well, you're taking your chances with all that Fukushima radiation penetrating Oregon albacore really don't want to Google that.

    I swear, that guy was like the salsa commercial where the cowboy says, "New York City?" Everything I mentioned seemed to shock him. How dare I call Domino's and order pizza!

    A while back, some girl answered the Domino's phone. When I asked for a half cheese, half pepperoni pizza, she said, "You don't want any cheese on half of it?" Where do they get these people?

    POOP? What kind of fast food establishments have you worked in, anyway? Oh. That's right. Dairy Queen. I will steer clear of the People Who Poop On Fast Food restaurants!

    I can't believe your teacher lunch conversation did not include WORM PROTEIN! You must work in some ritzy, margarita-machine-in-the-teachers'-lounge establishment.

  5. While you were at Casey's you should have gotten a pizza ....... The Dominoes here will deliver, but they don't ever get it completely done, The crust is always too doughy. Casey's has a bacon cheeseburger that He Who loves and they will roll the dough extra thin for He Who loves thin and crispy. He Who is as well known at Casey's as the Pony is at Dominoes.

  6. Kathy,
    We enjoy a rib-sticking Casey's pizza at least once a month. I didn't know they could roll the crust extra-thin. But Hick is on a first-name basis with those gals. They will put all the green peppers on one side of a supreme, and all the pepperoni on the other side. We are Hick Sprat and Wife.