Wednesday, September 24, 2014

If She Keeps This Up, She's Gonna Put My Proposed Handbasket Factory Out of Business Before It Even Opens

When I took my mom back home yesterday, she had three messages from my sister. Long story short (I heard that CLUNK as you all fell over backwards in shock), Mom took a potty break and headed back to town with Sis.

Sis babysits for her daughter's little girl, who is not even a year old yet. She needed to run an errand, and wanted Mom to sit in the car with the baby. Seems like nobody wants to let Mom out of the car lately. The reason for the errand perhaps reveals that people used to raise their kids right. Not many handbasket factories back in my day, not even proposed ones.

Sis drives from her town to Backroads to buy her meat. It's not like she goes to Timbuktu. The distance is around 10 miles one way. Sis does not want to get her meat from Walmart, where they shoot it up with water to charge more. Nor does she like to shop at the only remaining grocery chain, where I have had to return expired merchandise on more than one occasion. Not even my mom would serve up some old cheese and past-date mayonnaise. But mainly that's because she doesn't eat cheese, and uses Miracle Whip.

Anyhoo, Sis comes to Save A Lot for meat. Not the one where Mom gets her slaw. The one in my town. They have a deal where you can get a bargain on selected items in the meat department. They're 5 for $19.99. Now you have to know what you're doing, because if you only buy one or two of those items, you're not saving, because, for example, the family pack of hamburger is cheaper by the pound. But if you actually have five items you want, and can't use the big packs, it's a deal.

Sis got home and looked at her receipt. The clerk had not charged her the $19.99! She felt bad. She didn't want to drag the baby back over there (that's a figure of speech, she didn't drag the baby the first time, either) just to go in and give the clerk the $19.99. So she called Mom, everybody's go-to gal for sitting in the car. Sudoku, baby...Mom can entertain herself.

"They're a small store, you know, and I hate for them to be $20.00 short. I want to take them the money."

I guess Sis doesn't realize that Save A Lot is a national chain. Still, the people are very nice, and they have the best meat department around here. Sis has come a long way from when she sent Mom to buy her list of stuff from the Dollar Store, because she didn't want to be seen going in there. That's back when her husband was still mayor. I guess she had a reputation to protect. People may not have confidence in a mayor who's a pauper, I guess.

Their mission was accomplished, and nobody broke an arm patting herself on the back.

My momma didn't raise no gyppers.


  1. She could have waited until the next time she shopped there, but sometimes the cashier can get into trouble so pat pat well deserved.

  2. Integrity is in such short supply. Good to know there is still some floating around, even if Mom had to wait in the car for it. Maybe you could figure out how to make more and sell it in your handbasket factory. Nah. The ones who want it can make it for free. The rest can't even it.

  3. Actually, I'd admire a mayor whose family shopped at the dollar store. Heck, I shop at the dollar store.

  4. Your mama raised a couple of upstanding girls. Did your sis check the receipt to see if she had been charged individually for the know, a ploy?

  5. Aldi's. Dollar General. The Dollar Tree. They're all my favorite spots to hit.

    Maybe your mom can rent herself out to people who need a car sitter. I wonder what the name of her business could be?

  6. I'd vote for a mayor whose family goes out of its way to return $20. I'm with Leenie. We need more integrity.

  7. Good for your sis! You are so funny!

  8. joeh,
    No. She couldn't wait. That $19.99 would have burned a hole in her purse, her pocket, her kitchen counter, her piggy bank. Nope. Best to clear the conscience immediately.

    You're right. I can't foresee buyers for integrity. Besides, they might give me a bad check!

    The ex-mayor is a Seinfeld aficionado, so he's okay by me. We try to trip each other up on Seinfeldisms. You would not want to play Seinfeld Scene-It with us. We will, however, join you in a game of Trivial Pursuit. You bring the YooHoo. Get ready for the Moops to invade Spain in the 8th century!

    I'm sure she did. She's retired now, and has nothing to do with her time except entertain that baby. She wouldn't miss a detail like paying for five items when they should have been 5 for $19.99. My mom did not raise her girls to be ripped off by gyppers.

    Ooh! That's a most scathingly brilliant idea! Here are some business titles I might run by her:

    I Butt for Mutts (she'll sit in the car with your dog while you run errands)

    Fill Your Gut While I Sit on My Butt (she'll watch your belongings to deter the smash-and-grab crowd while you go out to eat)

    Hut! Hut! Hire My Butt (she will wait in line to buy playoff football tickets for you)

    And to think, Sis accused me of cheating because I won the grand gaming prize at her Christmas soiree two years running! Am I not cut from the same cloth as she? When fed expired food from Mom's pantry, do I not regurgitate the same as she? Sis is not the only one to pay back $20. I just do mine in installments. Only Sunday, I paid the clerk $5 that she missed ringing up my scratch-off ticket.

    Yes, hip-hip-hooray for Sis! And I hope you mean funny HA HA, not funny PECULIAR, because with everyone clamoring about the importance of integrity, you never could just as well have told me that my writing is breathtaking.