Thursday, August 29, 2013

I'll Let You Know When I Get My Own Cooking Series

We're friends, right? You and me? Besties? Except for my BFF Google, of course. But after that, we're likethis, right? So I want to share a little secret with you. Shh...not just anybody can find out.

I can almost make something kind of like a Market Fresh Chicken Salad Sandwich from Arby's!

It's true. Shh...don't let this get out. I don't want to hurt corporate business. People need to keep buying gas and driving to Arby's for their chicken salad sandwich fix. I, however, shall have my homemade Val's Chicken Salad Nearwich. Here's how it goes:

First you cube or shred a leftover boneless chicken breast that you baked on Tuesday. It should have no seasonings on it, because you ran out of lemon pepper, and in the heat of the moment shook a little garlic salt and fresh-ground pepper onto Hick's portion, but left yours unadorned.

Next, you take a half-full bag of whole pecans that your mom gave you last Christmas to make Chex Mix with off the top shelf of your freezer, shake a few onto your Everyday China, and cut them into thirds.

Then you find the bag of Granny Smith apple slices that you bought last Sunday on the bottom shelf of Frig, where that bag somehow opened itself and disgorged half its contents to parts unknown, then lay back with its top open like some common tart. Dice about eight slices to the size of dice. You know. The gambling thingies that teachers have to call "number cubes."

Dump these three ingredients into a recycled Dairy Queen Grilled Chicken Salad black plastic bowl. Notice that it's not big enough, and pour the contents into your favorite smallest brown plastic mixing bowl. Sprinkle on about a sixth of an envelope of Hidden Valley Ranch Dip powder left over from seasoning the vegetables in a pot roast two weeks ago. Grind some fresh black pepper out of the silver bullet pepper grinder that your bestest friend and ex-teaching buddy Mabel gave you one Christmas.

Shake around those damp dry ingredients. Add several dollops of Kraft mayonnaise. NOT Miracle Whip! Shake in one packet of Splenda. Stir the whole kit 'n' caboodle with one of your serving spoons that have all been deformed by the men of the house ignoring the three ice cream scoops.

Serve on Oat Nut bread, which is a poor substitute for the Market Fresh tasty hearty wheaty multigrain stuff.



  1. I dice the chicken breasts, add chopped celery, chopped tomatoes, raisins, and salt and pepper and coat everything with mayo (yes, Kraft).

    Never tried apples, sounds good. Aren't they too crunchy?

    I will not eat at Arby's ever again. gave me the uh oh quick step. Originally All Arby's made was roast beef sandwiches...RB's...and even they suck. Their RB has that green sheen to it.

  2. My recipe is not nearly as entertaining as yours!

  3. I'm curious about what you mean by "leftover," as in a leftover chicken breast. What does this mean---leftover? Not at MY house.

  4. OMG. Miracle Whip! Why do you even mention that foul stuff?

    We call dice "number generators." Doesn't that make them sound fun?

  5. If only I had a too-small recycled DQ bowl, I'd try to make that Arby's chicken salad, but then I'd have to go buy chicken and well, nuts! Forget it. There's a book out on copy cat fast food recipes.

  6. Oh. You lost me when you dissed Miracle Whip. Pepsi bad-- Miracle Whip--good.

  7. Dice to the size of dice. Now that is an understandable direction for dicing. I like reading posts that are a little dicey.

  8. joeh,
    Apples? Too crunchy? What, are you on a liquified diet? I am shocked, SHOCKED to hear that Arby's made you indisposed. You'd think the east coast drinkers of dirty water would have stronger constitutions.

    And my stand-up routine is probably not nearly as tasty as yours.

    Obviously, you do not wrap anything in foil and shove it to the back of the refrigerator to hide it from the man of the house.

    Here's how I imagine Miracle Whip got its name. The inventors knew that it would take a miracle to get people to consider this condiment interchangeable with mayonnaise. And for that, they need to be whipped.

    "Number generators" sounds like you have lost your electricity, and are afraid of somebody taking your generators.

    See? At least you know what's holding you back. I've browsed through that book on the sales stand that somebody keeps setting up in our teacher workroom.

    Miracle Whip, noxious. The only thing it is a tiny bit tolerable on is one of those seven-layer salads with the frozen peas and lettuce and shredded cheese and bacon and a few more layers.

    Yes. I can imagine you clicking on diceless posts, shouting, "NO DICE!" The last deal-breaker.

  9. You are certainly correct. If it ain't funny, quirky or dicey then I am moving on down the road to Val's place.