Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Good Thing It Wasn't Perishable

We are a booky family. Not a bookie family, taking bets from hipster doofuses who got a hot tip on a horse whose muddah was a mudder. Booky. We read. All but Hick, of course. Who could not even be bothered to read the tag on the lovely rust-and-green plaid pillow he put on our bed. The one that smelled of cedar and came with the new doghouse and said, "Not for human use."

The Pony and Genius read on Kindles and Nooks, when convenient, but we all prefer a heavy tome in our hands when given the option. Two years ago, Genius talked me into Amazon Prime. And by talked, I mean strong-armed. I'm not saying it's cost-effective for the average Backroader. But it suits us just fine. Mainly because when Genius decides he wants something, he wants it yesterday. Oh, and no more waiting until there are enough items in the cart to justify an order. We throw out orders all willy-nilly now, at the drop of a hat into the wind to hold hands with caution.

Two weeks ago, The Pony spent Friday night with his grandma. I had to pick up a package at the dead-mouse-smelling post office all by myself. Sometimes Amazon ships USPS, sometimes they ship UPS, and occasionally, they ship FedEx. This package was in a book-shaped cardboard box. You know the kind. It folds around the book. Because I was Ponyless, I left it on T-Hoe's shotgun seat. I figured it was a book that had shipped separately from my last order.

I have been PG-13-cursing that book for two weeks. It is in the way of the stuff I throw on that seat. It's no skin off The Pony's soft, soft nose. He doesn't ride there. I thought he'd take a hint and carry my package inside. He's had two weeks, you know.

Sunday afternoon, The Pony said, "What book IS that, anyway?"

"I don't know. I didn't even open it because it would be more awkward with those flaps sticking out." Surely you don't think I'd throw away the cardboard if I won't even carry in a book.

The Pony ripped that package open. "It's The Adventure Time Encyclopedia! I wondered why I saw it in Walmart this morning. I knew it should have come by now!"

Yeah. Sorry, Pony. Even Amazon Prime is only as good as its package picker-upper.


  1. What in the world is "The Adventure Time Encyclopedia"? Inquiring minds want to know...

  2. I've never heard of this book. Sounds interesting.

  3. Funny how guys have been genetically modified to overlook clutter and septic scents and yet can spot a bad call by a ref on a field a hundred yards away.

  4. Sioux,
    It's a book that concerns the characters in a Cartoon Network show that The Pony watches. A cartoon that I said was quite possibly the stupidest show I had ever seen in my life. The main characters are Finn, a stretchy boxy Gumby kind of boy, and his dog Jake. They have a friend who's a weird vampire girl who only eats red things. It ain't The Simpsons.

    Thank goodness you've never heard of it, or I might fear that you had the entertainment tastes of an odd 15-year-old boy. Here's a little sample:


    They're just wired differently. In fact, they probably take turns re-wiring each other while they're hanging out drinking beer and pondering the recipe for the perfect pot roast.