Tuesday, March 16, 2021

I Got 99 Problems and a Twist is One

All I wanted was a slice of bread. I reached into the corner cabinet for the bag containing a loaf of Nutty Oat bread from Save A Lot. That darn twist tie! Not the tie itself, but the twistiness of it, which I attribute to The Pony. I had asked him the day before to hand me a slice of bread. Which was a mistake in itself, because he handed me the next-heel! Nobody wants to eat the next-heel! You leave it there against the actual heel, as a freshness buffer for the rest of the loaf.

Anyhoo... I was in no mood to be stymied by a plastic-coated wire. It's not like the bread was going to escape if The Pony didn't put 8 TWISTS in that little thingy!

 
It's a simple tool. A rudimentary padlock. Not for extreme security. All that twist tie needs to do is hold the plastic bread bag closed. A SINGLE TWIST WILL DO!

I'm reminded of my second boss when I worked at the unemployment office. He looked like Ned Flanders. Exactly. The only difference being that my boss had the normal five digits per hand, and not the cartoon three. And I'm pretty sure my boss's wife was alive, and had not been killed by a t-shirt cannon shot by Homer Simpson.

Anyhoo... my second boss had a pet peeve. He couldn't stand it when he pulled a file out of the drawer and found PAPERCLIPS in the documents.

"People. You don't have to use paperclips in the files! They're not going anywhere! The papers will stay in the order you put them when you close the file. They're hanging in the drawer. You don't have to hold them together! Think of how many paperclips are in these drawers!"

Yeah. Well. We nodded politely. But it's hard for a leopard to change its spots.

Anyhoo... I don't need to have my feeding frenzy slowed by the time it takes for an extra seven untwists of that little wire doohickey on the bread bag. 

At least it's not as bad as when Genius lived at home, and used his freaky left-handed BACKWARDS twists to deny me my daily bread.

10 comments:

  1. Never had an issue with those ties. The inner wrapping of a loaf is the aluminum foil on my fillings. It always gets in my way and causes me to rip my slice...never the first in from the heel.

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    Replies
    1. inner wrapping? We just have the plastic bag.

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    2. River,
      When we get the Brownberry Whole Grains Oatnut Bread at Walmart (that's gourmet for us!), it has the outer plastic bag, and inside it's sealed in a cellophane wrapper as well.

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    3. Joeh,
      Only some kind of psycho would eat the first slice in from the heel! Or give it to someone else! Of all the slices to be left over when the loaf goes stale, the HEELS and the two NEXT-TOs should be them.

      The dogs like them just fine.

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  2. I know exactly what my mum would say: Be thankful you've got bread at all.
    what did we use before twisty ties? I can't remember. We have little plastic tag clip things here on our bread packets, but the ones from Baker's Delight bakeries still have twisty ties.

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    Replies
    1. My bread usually comes with the twisty tie, but the buns come with the plastic clip, as do the sweet, sweet Hawaiian Rolls.

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  3. Tommy put in one puny twist, but he twists one side of the wire around the other wire. I twist both. So his way the longer wire is only held by one twist and the long one slips out of the smaller one that is just a puny circle. It drives me nuts. I get the twist with equal or almost equal length on the two sides of the twist tie. Before I complained mightily he left a hole in the opening large enough for a finger, bug, or air to get it.

    I use the end and next to end pieces, but not in a good, yummy sandwich. I have no dogs or chickens to eat it, but I will gag it down with pbj.

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    Replies
    1. Oh my gosh! If that happened HERE, I'd say, "What kind of psycho closes a twisty tie like that?" But since it wasn't one of the inmates in MY asylum, I won't say that...

      I can understand you using the heels and the next-to slices, since you don't have a fleabag to feed them to. Toasting them might not be too bad, but I think I read something about a toaster issue... so slather on that pbj!

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  4. I rarely eat bread. HeWho puts the plastic tie back on. The thing that I find ironic is that he will re-tie the bread, but won't make any attempt to keep cereal, cookies or crackers fresh.

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    Replies
    1. I don't mind my cookies softening up, but a stale cracker is a crime! We don't eat much cereal. One box in a year, maybe.

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