Matt Matt, the Sewer Cat
Matt is a cool dude. A real hep cat. His first name's the same as his last. He's a proponent of the homeless. Hearing from his pal Rebecca DeMornay that they don't appreciate a diet of muffin stumps, and a library of toilet books, Matt decides to host a weekly dinner. No more reading for the homeless! He'll provide entertainment in the form of a small-game hunt. Then the prey will be roasted, and served on a platter made of old vinyl records. With a side dish of Mackinaw peaches! And Snapple to drink!
Soon Matt has a line around the block waiting for his Monday night feasts. A line longer than Papaya King. He goes about his business, happily humming "Desperado." Will Matt Matt find a donor to provide marble rye, and cinnamon babka and Junior Mints for dessert? (140 words)
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Fake Reviews
for Val’s Fake Book
Ben..."Matt, the two of us need look no more. We've both found what we were looking for. Wait a minute! Put that gun down! Do I smell garlic and butter? I assumed that when you said dinner, I'd be eating it! Thevictorian! You've created a monster! You dirty rat!"
Master Splinter..."Thevictorian's writing oozes with inauthenticity. She's definitely no Renaissance artist. We can only hope that she slows her output to a turtle's pace, and stops churning out a fake book a week. Her efforts are only fit for the likes of my arch-nemesis, Shredder."
Templeton..."I think this fake book is only good for gnawing. It IS tasteless, and quite dry. But I feel a kindred spirit with the author. Thevictorian is my kind of gal. We share many characteristics. None of them good."
Giant Alligators..."Hey! We were cheated! As if it's not bad enough to be a pampered pet when you're cute, and then flushed down the toilet when you grow up! Now we have been deprived of this Thevictorian woman coming down into the sewer to research her latest fake book. We cry shenanigans! How can she know what it's like down here if she never set foot down here? Just try it, Thevictorian, and you won't be needing The Good Feet Store no more!"
Pennywise the Clown..."Join us down here, won't you, Thevictorian? Don't worry about your fake book. It will float. As we all do...down here."
River of Pink Slime..."Who ya gonna call? Not Thevictorian! She's the strangest thing in this neighborhood. She's a waste of ectoplasm."
Ok Val, I'll bite, not sure what that taste is but I will fake take a fake copy of your fake book, not sure if Matt Matt's charm sold me or if the lure of the free possum did it.
ReplyDeleteThe early bird gets the worm, and the early fake-book fake buyer gets the possum! It's all yours. On the way right now, enclosed in the fake box with your fake book. Don't worry. He doesn't need any holes...
DeleteI'm more interested in the cinnamon babka than anything roasted and served on a vinyl platter.
ReplyDeleteWell, it IS the lesser babka, chocolate being the babka of choice. But don't try the black-and-white cookie!
DeleteYou may have to google Seinfeld to find out the reason why...
Mackinaw peaches and Snapple. You're one wild and crazy woman. I laugh at your wit.
ReplyDeleteYou are very generous, and I include "laughing at me" as part of that description.
DeleteI smell a rat, or is it just Matt Matt cooking up a meal?
ReplyDeleteI believe that's just the aroma of the feast wafting out of the sewer. I think I'd prefer muffin stumps, myself.
DeleteVal--I got Friday confused with Monday. Tomorrow morning--finally--I will post my blurb. It's lackluster compared to your post, however. You really outdid yourself. So many Seinfeld references...
ReplyDeletePardon me, Madam, if I don't sit up all night waiting for your story to hit the blogosphere. I will catch it when I arise, well-rested, less fat and more sassy that when I was a working woman, at the crack of 9:30 a.m.
DeleteIf there are three things I know, they're Diet Coke, Missouri scratchers, and SEINFELD!