Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Rumors of Val’s STDs Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Two things you should know before reading the following account of Val’s latest illness:

1).The Pony’s phone (a Genius hand-me-down) went kaput on Sunday, which means he cannot connect to his unlimited internet plan right now, and he is only given limited use of Val’s DISH internet. Just for his texting app. Not for gaming or net surfing.

2).The Pony has a history of getting small sores inside his lips, which I attribute to Pringles Multi Grain Chips, because he usually has an outbreak after eating them.

You may begin…

Something is wrong with my mouth. No. Not as in Hick’s opinion. “You got a smart mouth, Val. And I’m tired of it.” Uh uh. Something physical. It feels like I grinned too wide (yeah, like that would ever happen) and split the inside of my top lip. On the way home yesterday, I leaned over to peer at it in the rearview mirror.

“That’s not a sore, is it?”

“I can’t see your lip in the mirror from the back seat.”

“I never get these! I thought I bit my mouth in a feeding frenzy eating Captain D’s Styrofoam last night. But that sure looks like a sore. Without my glasses.”

“Now you know what it feels like!”

“What did I eat? Besides the charred Styrofoam.”

“It’s not from food.”

“I don’t have herpes!”

“Duh. It’s not herpes. It’s a canker sore.”

“I don’t have syphilis!”

“They’re NOT from syphilis. You don’t get them in your MOUTH.” Wait for it…"Well. Unless you’ve been…DOING something!”

“Do you know what syphilis is? Look it up. Not on MY internet, though.”

“Okay. I’ll use the school wifi to look up syphilis.”

“NO! Don’t do that!”

If the tech department flags my account, I’ll say, ‘It’s for Mom.’”

“NO! Don’t you do it!”

“She wanted me to look up the symptoms. She thinks she has syphilis.”

“STOP! You’re going to make me pee my pants!”

“I’m only trying to help you find out if you have syphilis, Mother Dear.”

“STOP! I can’t breathe! I’m trying to drive! STOP!”

“I guess if you write about this, people will see who I get my sense of humor from.”

Yeah. Probably.

18 comments:

  1. You DO know there are different forms of herpes, don't you? At least one of them is NOT a STD.

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    1. Well. I bow to your vast knowledge of HERPES, Madam! Are we talking about above-the-waist herpes and below-the-waist herpes? Or the chicken pox kind of herpes? Or some kind of herpes you can catch by riding a tractor in your bikini?

      I suppose I must research it when I find the time. Or when I am diagnosed.

      Delete
  2. I think you should have that looked at...unless you are an anti-dentite!

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    1. I was TRYING to have it looked at! By The Pony, in the rearview mirror, in T-Hoe. Because I AM an anti-dentite. I hate the dentist like Lou Grant hates spunk.

      Delete
  3. Ha ha, sounds like the kind of conversation I'd have with Miss Mac!

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    1. They know how to push our buttons. The joke's on us for letting them inherit our sense of humor.

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  4. Funny story it is. I read it to my co-workers at http://paperwriting.xyz/ and they said it was really funny.

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    1. Well...Maggy. May I call you that? Maggy? I certainly hope you read it and found it funny and read it to your co-workers, rather than all of you doing work. Because I would simply hate it if you merely 5PAM blogs in hopes of drawing business to a service that gets rich off the backs of poor college students who are so busy drinking that they can't actually learn anything from the education their parents are paying for. Do you know how many red Solo cups those kids could buy if they didn't pay for somebody to write their paper? You'd think those crazy kids would catch on, and choose to plagiarize something off of the internet rather than give up their beer money to paper-writers. And what if they all use the same service? Are they guaranteed a unique paper, like each special snowflake should be entitled, for forking over the money Grandma sends them for Chinese food each week?

      So glad, Maggy, that you and your co-workers found time to yuck it up over my STD.

      Delete
    2. At first let me say I'm so sorry for writing this stupid comment to your post. I just twisted up two different pages with posts, yours and another one. Sorry for being so not attentive and in result- horrible situation. I feel really bad now.
      What about our service, you can have your own thoughts, but truly we often help people. Besides we always write a unique and non plagiarize paper.
      Sincerely once more asking a pardon.
      Best wishes to you!

      Delete
    3. No need to feel bad. I usually send those kind of comments directly to 5PAM, when it's a first-timer pushing a link.

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  5. Have you heard of H1 and H2? Not Hick the first and Hick Jr. Shingles is an off shoot. Don't get stressed.

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    1. Shingles? I can't get shingles! We just had a metal roof installed today!

      Hick is the one stressing, because he hired a guy to dig a 40-foot trench, and he only dug a 30-foot trench. What a waste of good rock-harvest money! I might need to guard my retirement rock nest egg.

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  6. An that's what you get for having brilliant children with your twisted sense of humor.

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  7. BTW herpes in any form is evil. I know from personal experience (NO not STD) Evil Shingles. If you are the worthy age for full retirement you're in the group who is staring down the barrel at Evil Shingles. Get your shot if you haven't. I thought I'd never get such a thing. WRONG.

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    1. Okay, okay! You shingles-shouters have scared me enough. I am stressing about Evil Shingles. That thing on my lip went away after 3 days. But now I feel something else coming on...

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  8. Funny. Made me remember something that happened in DEEP south in a very small city where a friend of my sister worked as the home economist for that said city. She would advise the people things like flower decorating and canning. This was a cushy job in the county government building. Everyone knew her and she was quite popular. She is a sweet, innocent soul. Her one and only child, a boy was a teen at the time of the incident. Let's just say he was dealing with his sexual identity and decided to do some "research" on line. On her computer at her place of work. He apparently delved into some forbidden porn sites that were automatically tagged. He had logged on with his mother's ID. A cautionary tale .....

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    1. Naw. The Pony takes his own laptop to school, and uses his phone's unlimited internet instead of the school wifi. I think he can survive a few days without pr0n. He wouldn't dare get me fired this close to retirement. He knows who holds the balls in this family.

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