Sunday, February 28, 2021

The One Where Val Lovingly Prepares and Feeds Hick Dog Biscuits

Let the record show that I did NOT feed Hick a processed treat made as a doggie snack, perhaps with the added perk of cleaning his teeth. I fed Hick hot dogs wrapped in biscuits. At his request. Using FREE Ponytail Guy hot dogs (only 8 packs left!) and a can of buttermilk biscuits from FRIG II.

Don't call them pigs in blankets. They're hot DOGS, not hot PIGS! And a biscuit is most certainly not a blanket. It wouldn't keep my big toe warm! So the the hot dogs in biscuits should be called Dog Biscuits. (Surely you wouldn't suggest Wiener Biscuits!) You can feed them to a dog if you want. Won't hurt.

Anyhoo... I'd had The Pony dig down under the 70-something remaining egg rolls in the mini freezer, to get out a pack of hot dogs. I thawed them in FRIG II overnight. I knew I had some storebought biscuits, even though Hick professed that I should use the FREE Ponytail Guy biscuits. Which are frozen in bags, and I'm pretty sure are already baked, and only need warming. Not so good for poking a hot dog into.

I saw the can of biscuits on the front of FRIG II's top shelf, where The Pony had put it upon carrying in groceries. I thought we had another can somewhere, so I rummaged around and found the exact same kind, but instead of a March expiration date, this one had December. And I don't mean 2021. 
Well. I was sure there was nothing in that can of biscuits that would harm Hick. But it WOULD harm FRIG II. In fact, that's how FRIG II came to live at our house. The Original FRIG was fatally injured by an exploding can of biscuits! Seriously! In the middle of the night. Hick thought somebody shot at us! We eventually checked the kitchen, and upon opening TOF's door, saw the carnage that lay within. Foodstuffs strewn all willy-nilly, and the side wall and door plastic CRACKED by the explosion!

The Origianl FRIG was beyond repair. Hick said he couldn't maintain coolness like that. This was before the days of that black goopy stuff on TV that can patch a hole in the bottom of a boat! TOF sat on our porch for a couple weeks, then Hick moved him to the BARn, deciding that TOF would work well enough to keep water and soda (and probably sugary snacks) for him and the boys.

Anyhoo... I wanted to flatten those biscuits for a better fit around the hot dogs. Usually I just wrap them around, two to a hot dog, and they sometimes pull apart while baking. Even though I pre-heat the hot dogs so they aren't cold, with condensation forming to loosen the seal. I don't know where my rolling pin is. I think in the back of a corner cabinet. I'm not a baker. Nor a candlestick-maker--but I know how to use one!

My choice of improvised rolling pin was a CANDLE. Not a fancy stick candle that goes in a holder on a white tablecloth for a romantic meal. A jar candle that is the go-to gift for Val at Christmas. We'd just utilized some of them during our power outage on that 4-degree Friday when we were snowed-in. And the one sitting on the end of the piano by The Pony's room looked like the perfect candidate for rolling out Hick's Dog Biscuits.
THERE it is. Purple Sand. I'm not sure what purple sand is supposed to smell like. I did not take a whiff to find out. I washed off the outside of the jar. That cloudy business you see is on the inside. It was squeaky-clean without.

Pardon the mess on the cutting block. That PEPSI belongs to the traitor Pony, from his Little Caesar's food on Friday. I really should sand down the top of the cutting block. It's about eleventy-billion years old, a true antique, gotten from Hick's old workplace when he was tasked with cleaning out the basement of the factory. It's solid wood, on a metal base. 

Actually, I kind of like the patina on it. And by "like," I mean that I'm so lazy I'd rather leave it like that than research on how to scrub it up, and actually expend the elbow-grease.

Anyhoo... that can of December biscuits practically opened themselves! All I had to do was peel back a tiny portion of the wrapping, and POP it went. I hate to open biscuits, but this can didn't give me enough time to get all worked up about it.

I put two biscuits at a time on a paper plate, and rolled over them with that candle like I was re-paving a blacktop road. The biscuits flattened, but it still took two to wrap around each hot dog. They came out of the oven beautifully, all golden brown and smooth, looking like actual hot dog buns with enclosed ends. I called Hick to come and get it. He added some Cuban mustard for dipping, and returned to his recliner to feast. 

He had asked for three, but could only finish two.

"Do you want this last one?"

"Yeah. I'll take it.  I didn't make anything for myself, and The Pony didn't want anything since he went out for lunch."

"Them was REALLY good!"

"Huh. Maybe it's because I rolled out the biscuits this time."

"What kind of biscuits was they?"

"Just store brand. From Country Mart. Maybe Best Choice. Buttermilk biscuits. We have another can of them."

"I like them."

"Well. The date on them was December 14..."

"Oh. That might be what made them so good, heh, heh!"

Good to know that Hick is not too picky about the origins of his Dog Biscuits.


  1. Your biscuits are similar to what we call scones, but not exactly the same I don't think. Our biscuits are what you call cookies and entirely unsuitable for dog wrapping. I'm glad they turned out well. I'm planning on making a chocolate cake next week with a packet mix I found way back in the corner of my pantry, dated December 2020, so it should still be good. I'm not supposed to be eating sugar, but I'm not throwing away a perfectly good packet mix either. I just won't buy any more of them. My rolling pin is easy to find, right hand side of the second drawer, it's the only place it fits. It's my mum's old roller and quite heavy.

    1. Our biscuit was definitely not a cookie! I hope your cake is delicious. December 2020 is barely past the date for a packet mix! I'd use it a YEAR past, heh, heh! But not moist biscuits in a cardboard can.

    2. Biscuit/cookie...after River's hoo-haw comment I'm afraid to ask.

    3. Sometimes I wonder what I'm really saying in River's English. Our slang is so very different!

  2. Biscuits aged like fine wine...or vintage dirty water cocktails.

    1. Pity I didn't wave the empty unpeeled cardboard can under Hick's nose. For lack of a cork. So he could fully appreciate the vintage.

  3. I don't strictly follow dates on food, but oldish biscuits are dangerous.

    1. You ain't a-woofin', as my grandpa used to say. The Original FRIG (Frigidaire) is permanently disabled from the biscuit explosion!

    2. My Grandpa used to say "You ain't just whistling Dixie." If he had a statue it would be torn down.

    3. I'm pretty sure that nowadays, the pot needs to find something else to call the kettle...

      Seinfeld would probably be in trouble for his Cigar Store Wooden Statue show now, too.

  4. I only use one biscuit and my wiener always sticks out on the ends. Have I been doing it wrong all these years? Or could it be that with 5 kids I tended to stretch everything?

    1. These were the big biscuits. If I'd rolled it out thinner, one would have been perfect. In the past, I've used the cheapest plain biscuits, that are much smaller. One would have looked like the hot dog was wearing a belt around its waist!