Hick House Tries To Kill T-Hoe!

I was okay with Hick buying a $5000 house. He's been working hard to upgrade the most important violations of the city building codes. I'll be featuring some of the repairs this week.

Today, though, I'm here to reveal the dark side of Hick House!

When I go to the main post office, I drive by, just to admire our $5000 house. I haven't stopped for an official tour, even though Hick is there most days. There's not a good place to park, especially if Hick and HOS (Hick's Oldest Son) have driven separately that day. Hick House is on a hill, on a narrow street. It's not like you can cheat over into the yard. The street has concrete curbs about four inches high. T-Hoe is perfectly capable of driving over a four-inch curb. But the other side, the yard part, is not flush with the top. Or even four inches down from the curb. The yard is below street level. There's a driveway, but HOS's little truck is usually in it. Especially last Thursday, because it was having brake issues when he tried to leave Wednesday night. So he left it.

Anyhoo... we'd been planning all week for me to stop by, with Thursday being the best day, when I'd be in the neighborhood. Hick ended up working alone, because HOS had to take care of his nine-month-old baby while his wife was at work. Hick House is not conducive to babysitting at this time. I mentioned my hesitation about parking, and Hick said to park on the street.

"It's too narrow!"

"I park on it. People can get around."

I had every intention of stopping. Even changed my route and errand order to go by, to park on the right-hand side of the street, directly in front of Hick House. Well. Val's best-laid plans often get sidetracked by Hick's shenanigans. I came down the street to see SilverRedO backed into the front yard. SilverRedO's nose was poking out into the street. I couldn't park uphill from it, because I'd block the neighbor's driveway. I couldn't park downhill of it, because that spot is directly across from a side street, where I'd just seen a UPS truck turn. That truck would have to back out of the side street, and there wouldn't be room with T-Hoe parked there. I couldn't get T-Hoe into the driveway, because HOS's little truck was there. So I kept going. I called Hick, though.

"I just went by. I didn't stop. There's no place to park."

"You can park in front! I parked in the yard."

"I know. You're sticking out. No room."

"Well. Okay."

I knew Hick really wanted to show off Hick House. It just didn't work out. I continued to the post office and the bank, and put gas in T-Hoe. There's a road construction project going on that interferes with my regular route. My way around it would take me past Hick House again, but in the opposite direction. Hm. I could still possibly stop by. I'd scope out the parking from the other angle. Even though it would mean parking on the wrong side of the street. It's not a high-traffic area, but I nearly always see the police on patrol.

Hick House was calling to me. Wanting me to take that tour. I figured I could get T-Hoe off the road as much as possible. And shield him with the front end of SilverRedO. Here's how I ended up.

Don't worry about that Check Engine light! It comes and goes. And the Service Suspension System constantly scrolls with the Service Park Assist. Not a big deal, according to Hick. I started to put on the parking brake, but realized that what I thought was the parking brake release was actually the hood release! So I just left it off, and eased my foot off the brake. I climbed out on the curb, and stepped down into the yard, heading for the sidewalk.

Inside, I hollered for Hick, and gave myself a tour. Eventually Hick came up from the basement, where he'd been looking at the wiring. I didn't go upstairs this time, because I had groceries unchilling in T-Hoe's rear. Hick walked me out so he could get his two salami sandwiches out of SilverRedO. HOS would never know what he missed! I got back in T-Hoe, and started him up. I couldn't quite see around SilverRedO's hood. I figured I'd roll back down the hill a bit, and maybe see enough to get back on my own side of the road.

T-HOE WOULDN'T GET IN GEAR!

Not REVERSE. Not DRIVE. T-Hoe was parked there permanently in front of Hick House! I tried several times. Nope. Hercules, Samson, and The Incredible Hulk, using all six of their arms, could not have shifted T-Hoe's lever out of PARK. I called Hick mid-sandwich. I was pretty sure his PopArm was not going to do the trick, either.

Hick surveyed the situation. Adjusted his camouflage cap. Said I should have put on the parking brake. Yeah. That horse was already out of the gate. The cow had left the barn. Hindsight wasn't helping. Hick said he'd get in SilverRedO, and come up behind T-Hoe, to give him a push. I wasn't so sure I wanted SilverRedO ramming T-Hoe from behind.

"What about pulling? Can't you chain them up and give it a little pull?"

"Well. I could. If I had any chains."

Thing is, since selling off his Ford F250 4WD Extended Cab, Hick has not put his tool box on SilverRedO. So things like chains and jumper cables are sitting at home by the BARn. Hick went back into Hick House, and returned with some straps. Straps with come-alongs, those ratchety things that tighten. He hooked one end to T-Hoe's front pulling-thingy, and the other to the hitch on SilverRedO.

That's my knight in pale-gray hoodie right there!

It took more than five tries (I'm pretty sure that Hick was wishing he still had his 3/4 ton Ford instead of the 1/2 ton Chevy) before SilverRedO got enough pressure off T-Hoe to let me shift out of PARK. In fact, just as it happened, I heard a terrible noise, and thought we might have pulled the bumper off of SilverRedO! But no. When Hick walked back to me, he was holding a severed strap. No big deal. He can get more at the auction.

For a few minutes, I had visions of T-Hoe living out the rest of his life in front of Hick House, while HOS sold off his parts bit by bit.

Not today, Hick House!