Nobody Better Be Messin' With VALsquatch!

It's Saturday at Thevictorian homestead, and Val has a plan.

Hick and HOS (Hick's Oldest Son) are in Oklahoma to see The Pony walk out on the field in front of 85,000 screaming fans (according to The Pony) to be recognized, along with 277 other members of the freshman class, for his National Merit Scholar pretty-full ride to OU. I remained behind this trip, not being a fan of crowds. Or walking.

I planned the perfect day. Up by 9:00 a.m. (!), off to town by 11:00 to pick up my 44 oz Diet Coke. As a special treat, I also picked up some gas station chicken! I swear, it's been six months since I had any. Or if I did, it was not memorable. So now I don't have to make myself any supper. The game itself is not on TV this week. That's because the opponent is less-than-stellar in the pigskin world. But I can get it on Pay-Per-View! And why not? After all, I bought tickets for Hick and HOS. Bought them both a shirt and cap. Sent them off for two nights and eight meals and numerous tanks of gas to Oklahoma for three days. So I think I can allow myself a Pay-Per-View Sooners game. I already informed Hick of my plans, the cost of which is less than one ticket to the actual game.

Yes, I have everything planned and timed. Even down to when to feed the livestock and play with the dogs in time to be plopped in front of the big-screen in time for kick-off. I don't harbor any delusions about seeing The Pony in his glory, because that event happens before the game, and it is unlikely to be highlighted on a Pay-Per-View football game. Still, I watched the #3 rated Sooners play last week, and get soundly spanked by the Houston Cougars. And I DON'T mean mature, oversexed women. I told that to Genius by text, and he replied, "GROSS!" Indeed! The Sooners dropped to #14 in the rankings!

Yes, I even have my snacks planned. An individual size bag of Movie Theater Popcorn, a few Snow-Caps. The game runs from 6:00 to 10:30 on the Pay-Per-View channel on DISH. Which is, perhaps, my greatest stumbling block.

At noon, I went from my dark basement lair to the basement proper, and set about ordering my game. WELL! It seems that my transaction could not be completed, because there was no telephone connection. The not-heaven you say! We have always had the phone wire plugged in. That's because DISH likes to spy on our TV watching habits, I think. Hick thinks it's a way to bill us by credit card if we miss a payment. Anyhoo...the main receiver in the living room has always been hooked up. The one downstairs, apparently not.

I was in a tizzy. Here I was, all planned out, without a payment for my view! I rooted around behind the TV in the wires. There were only about 57 of them. I know what a phone jack looks like. My dad had a career with Bell Telephone, for cryin' out loud! It's the little flat thingy that hooks in, with the little notch thingy on it that you have to squeeze to unplug.

EUREKA! I found the cord! It was NOT plugged in to anything! Darn that dude who put in our DISH internet and fiddled with our receiver. Or darn Genius when we upgraded to our DVR and didn't plug in the phone jack. Anyhoo, I found it! I knew the problem, and how to solve it. I plugged it in and went back to the remote to hit YES that I wanted to purchase the view.

Nope. Still a message that a phone line could not be detected.

I went back behind the TV. Unplugged the wire. Looked for a different hole to stuff it in. Whoopsie! I'd put it into the blu-ray player! Such an innocent mistake. They LOOK alike! Both are flat and black. And one is on top of the other. I put the phone plug into the DISH receiver. It took a minute, because that jack was upside down compared to the one on the blu-ray. Got it! I went back to the remote to hit YES that I wanted to purchase the view.

Nope. Still a message that a phone line could not be detected.

Nobody was home to consult! Genius is off at a music festival in Kansas City, having forsaken his solar car donor to another tour guide from this year's team. Hick was in Oklahoma. The Pony was busy not-caring in Oklahoma. So I did what any woman would do, and turned off the DISH receiver. Then turned it back on. Went to the channel for paying for the Sooners game, and tried again.

VOILA! I'm a freakin' genius! It worked, by cracky! It said it was completing the purchase. And THEN it let me schedule it for recording on the DVR.

I hope this is not some kind of cruel trick by the DISH people. I'd hate to be made a fool of like Sasquatch on those Jack Links commercials.