Wham, Bam, Thank You SPAM!
Mike Mozart knows a thing or two about the ladies. He can play one like a fiddle. He's not looking for the way to her heart by going through her stomach. Yep. Since ladies detest those everyday humdrum chores like cooking breakfast for their sleepover dates, Mike's going to make one lucky lady's life a little easier.
"Just pop open my can of Bacon SPAM, and I'll poke it with a fork, and we can each gnaw on one end. Then it can go back in the can for tomorrow. That will give us more time to...uh...listen to my new compositions! Did I mention that Mozart was my great-great-great-grandpappy? I got the music in me, baby! Listen to my harmonica."
Will more than the SPAM get poked, or will Mike Mozart hear the sounds of the world's smallest fiddle? (139 words)
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Fake Reviews
for Val’s Fake Book
CEO of SPAM…"We want no part of Thevictorian's fake book! Stop the presses! Our image should be removed from the cover forthwith. I'd like to think we have better taste than to be associated with such a piece of garbage."
Miss Prissy the lovelorn hen…”Thevictorian must be a dried up old crone. She has it all wrong! I would gladly give a suitor EGGS for breakfast. Not just cold SPAM.”
George Costanza…”Thevictorian has obviously not done her research. Any Humpty Dumpty with a melon head KNOWS that you can put that can of SPAM on the nightstand, and nosh on it while in the...um...throes of passion. I wouldn't take this book into a bathroom with me!”
Rebecca DeMornay down at the homeless center…”Don't be bringin' me this fake book! The homeless don't want it! They'd sooner have chicken skins and lobster shells! Even a toilet book beats Thevictorian's fake book.”
Jerry Seinfeld…”I can't believe Val Thevictorian has the nerve to call herself an author! No woman is going to put out for a guy with a can of Bacon SPAM. He needs to use the counterclockwise swirl! Or at least taker her on a date in the balcony at a showing of Schindler's List."
Cosmo Kramer…”The way to a woman's...uh...heart is by wearing a jacket left by your mother's old boyfriend. Thevictorian has obviously never interviewed a real man to get factual information for her fake book. Which is obviously faker than the quality control department in the condoms division of Vandelay Industries. They're in latex, you know."
Elaine Benes..."It's clear that Val Thevictorian doesn't know how guys walk around with those things. Cans of Bacon SPAM, I mean. No guy is going to try that. He's going to look for signals. Like, did the woman send him a Christmas card with her nipple exposed? And a woman? She'll fake it if she likes him, and she won't if she doesn't. Yada yada yada...That's how people make connections."
Kim Kardashian..."What is this thing? A fake book? What's a book? I only picked it up because of the picture on the front. A can of Bacon SPAM? I'll show you a CAN! I got your CAN right here!"
You must have gotten the whole cast to review your book. Reading those comments from Rebecca, George, Elaine and Jerry was like a walk down memory lane... at least along a lane where nothing happens...
ReplyDeleteI did not contact Crazy Joe Davola for a review. Nor the pigman at the hospital (I figure he must be in the hospital for a reason, and needs his rest). Also left off Val's review list: the TV Guide secret admirer, the gal who ate lobster in the scrambled eggs, The Lopper, Peggy who won't drink out of my water bottle, Rudy who bought the mothy cabana wear, the nose job gal, and Jack Klompus with his astronaut pen. I figured they might be disgruntled and ruin my record of stellar reviews.
DeleteSpam will always be the most sensual of all the processed meats. NOT!
ReplyDeleteI see you learned a lesson from Marion (Mrs. Dean) Wormer in Animal House, in that vegetables (and processed meats) are SENSUAL, and people are SENSUOUS.
DeleteI think this fake book is worthy of a fake sponge.
ReplyDeleteDo you have a case of them in the back? I hope you're not just FAKING, like some people do when they yada, yada, yada...
DeleteThe picture that formed in my head! oooh oooh, it is something that I can't seem to erase. I'm trying to picture the woman that finds this appealing! LOL
ReplyDeleteI hope the picture in your head was the two of them gnawing on that slab of SPAM from separate ends! Kind of like a "Lady and the Tramp" spaghetti moment...
Delete