Cowpies at Poophenge
Cowpies weren't on the menu at The Dew Plop Inn, back when owner Alma Dingleberry could hardly make ends meet. One morning in '08, little Dickybob saw the pies. Petrified cowpies. Stacked on a new fence post. Dickybob was quite excited. He was helping his uncle, Jack, off a horse at the time. "Looky there, Uncle Jack! It's like Stonehenge, but with cow sh!t."
"Don't say sh!t, Dickybob. Now run on up to the diner and tell your grandma we're ready for breakfast."
Off he went. "Let's eat, Grandma! There's cowpies stacked in the field!"
That's the story Alma plans to tell the city-slicker reporter from the New York Times, who's been emailing her about cow breeds, the petrification process, and how her roadside tourist attraction got its start.
Will the professor emeritus of archaeology at the local junior college come sniffing around, and give the townspeople the straight poop? (150 words)
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Fake Reviews
for Val’s Fake Book
Elmer the Cow…”Thevictorian needs to stick to some other line of work. I hear there's an opening down at the glue factory.”
One of many sacred cows in India…”I've got a beef with this author! The plot is full of holes. And I'm not talking about spaces void of matter.”
Mrs. O'Leary's Cow…”I got a kick out of this fake book! The author is on fire! I predict that she will soon be the talk of the town.”
Ferdinand…”This fake book is a real bunch of bullcrap. Stinks like the real thing, too.”
Babe the Blue Ox…”A bigger pile of excrement I've never seen than Thevictorian's fake book. And please remember, I followed Paul Bunyan around."
Elsie the Cow…”Thevictorian is going to milk this fake book for all it's worth. Which isn't much. ."
The cow that jumped over the moon…”I am NOT over-the-moon about this fake book!”
Red Bull…”I'm all hyped up about this fake story! I think it has wings! Of course, I haven't slept in 31 days, so take that with a shot of vodka.”
Laughing Cow…”This fake book is so cheesy!"
I fake learned how important commas are.
ReplyDeleteI was over 150 words, and cutting like Jack the Ripper (not to be confused with Puppy Jack the Pooper), but I left in that punctuation lesson for you. As a former fake educator, fake learning is important to me.
DeleteVal--Again, you've out-done yourself. I'm curious... how long does it take to craft your blurb AND get all the critics to send in their reviews?
ReplyDeleteYou'll be sorry you asked. It starts with looking at the next photo several times through the week, until I get a kernel of an idea. Sometimes it hits right away. Others are a struggle.
DeleteThen my mind starts riffing on the key points, and the story congeals. Then I need names and references to my standard topics. This usually comes to me in the shower or on a drive to town. It won't work if I open up the page and consciously try.
The reviews hit me in a wave, one after the other, stepping on each other's toes. I have to find a way to make notes, or they've evaporated into the humid Backroads air before I know it. The reviews are the most fun. I cackle like a crazy woman. I crack myself up sometimes.
And there you have it. A window to my madness, in a self-serving explanation of my muse, that is longer than the fake book blog.
Oh, for the short(er) answer, once the scaffolding is in place, it takes about 20-30 minutes to construct a blurb.
DeleteI didn't know junior colleges had professor emerituses, or is that emeriti? Heck, maybe I'm a professor emeritus?
ReplyDeleteVal loves to provide little-known facts to her loyal readership...or pull their loyal legs. You never can be sure of her motives.
DeleteAs Genius and old Mother Abigail would say, "Mayhap your are, and mayhap you ain't."
Your book reviews are funnier than the story! Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Like a toddler with dessert, I rush through the story to get to the reviews.
DeleteI am receiving visitors...hospitalized from laughing too much.
ReplyDeleteHope you were wearing Depends to contain your petrified cowpies!
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