Thursday, October 31, 2013

Maybe I'll Branch Out into the Cookbook Arena

Hey! I'm sure some of you are gourmet cooks. Or at least gourmet eaters. Do you know what one of these things is called? Or what it's used for?

I used to know. I have four of them. But now in my dotage, I cannot remember why they came with a set of grilling implements. Is it like a Hungry Man Dinner, a BIG fork intended for those Paul Bunyan types of guys? Like Campbell's Chunky Soup, so hearty and filling that NFL players survive on it? I know it's not a trident. Duh. I know my prefixes. Any trident looking like that would end up at the Trident Factory Outlet Store.

Come on. I'm sure all of you know what it is. Maybe it's just a special fork used to eat a big salad that one person paid for and another person handed to you.

Since I don't remember the real used, I'll let you in on a little secret. Here's what we use it for around here:

Indoor marshmallow roasting! Just turn on the electric burner, hold close to glowing metal, be ready to send your teenager to fan underneath the smoke alarm, and VOILA! Stove-roasted marshmallows!

You're welcome for that recipe. I might start compiling a cookbook to sell on the counter of my proposed handbasket factory. So far, I have three recipes: Chex Mix, Tower of Soup, and Stove-Roasted Marshmallows.

You know you want one.


  1. Would you sign it if I buy your cookbook? It sounds like a real winner.

  2. I have no idea what that forker is. My Dad would probably have used it to gig frogs, though. So I guess it could be called a "kitchen" utensil as he loved to eat frog legs. You did get my order for a hand basket didn't you? I want the first one.

  3. Your use is as good as any I could think of.

  4. Four wieners at once. Am I allowed to say that?

  5. Stab yourself four hot dogs, weave them onto the tines, and roast them.

  6. I've got eight graham crackers and some slabs of dark chocolate ready. Fork over those shmellows and nobody gets hurt.

  7. Stephen,
    Thank you for the Halloween wish. You are such a gentleman. Not one reference to me wearing a pointy hat, cooking with eye of newt, or riding to work on my B-Room.

    You seem to have an obsession, Madam, with people marking your book territory. I shall not give you fodder for eBay sales, nor put the tool of forgery in your hands. Val is a suspicious sort. Next thing I know, you might try to snap my picture. Oh. Wait. That already happened...

    I would hope that he had thought to strap such a stabbing implement to a broomstick or longer handle. Unless his arms were really long, of course.

    Why, yes. I have your handbasket order right here. I will make sure you get the first one that rolls off the assembly line. I will even personalize it for free, because I appreciate my loyal customers. Maybe we will give away hot dogs and warm flat cola and popcorn on opening day.

    See? We're both geniuses. Great minds think alike, except when it comes to dirty water cocktails.

    Yes, you're allowed to say that. We are much too mature around the old cathouse to let a snicker escape. One of our teachers loudly announces, "Today we are having wieners," when the school lunch menu says hot dogs. He brings it on himself.

    I will have to roast them on the stove. Have you seen the length of that handle? Definitely not for a bonfire.

    S'more is as good as a feast. I suppose you're bringing more to the stovetop than I. But I AM doing all the work. We'll call it even if I can have two of the grahams and one chocolate slab. Set it right over there. I'm not handing over my mellows without a firm commitment.