Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Canary with a Hole in the Knee of Her Pants

I've been a little busy this week. The Pony is readying a short story submission for entrance in the National Young Arts Foundation competition. It's the end of first quarter at school. I've been trying to watch the Cardinals in the playoffs. My books arrived. I've been walking up and down the halls wearing a sandwich board hawking my wares of the print kind. So I've fallen behind a bit in keeping the old cat-house up-to-date.

Last night I decided to watch the first three-and-a-half innings of the game. All was well after the Cardinals batted at the top of the fourth. Zero to zero. I had the DVR going, so I went to my dark basement lair. Around ten, I called my mom. Still from the office, because I didn't want to go out and accidentally hear the score if The Pony had left the TV on the game channel. I had talked to Mom early in the evening, and told her I probably wouldn't call later, because I was going to watch the recording of the game.

Mom answered the phone after a couple of rings.

"Don't tell me anything about the game. I just want to know if it's over. I'm recording it."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure it's over. I quit watching because they were behind."

"Why did you do that? What part of 'don't say anything about the game' didn't you understand?"

"Well, I don't know. Once they got--"


"I was brushing my teeth, and had a mouthful of toothpaste. So I spit it out and ran to answer the phone so you wouldn't think I was asleep."

"One would think that a mouthful of toothpaste might have helped more in stopping you from singing like a canary."

"Well, I didn't think I was giving anything away."

"This is the THIRD time! The other night, I told you I just had a minute because I was watching the game, and you said, 'Oh, I'm glad they got the third out.' And then the Cardinals got the third out. I just thought you were wishing, and it happened. And the next inning, you said, 'Good. They got two out with that double play.' And I wondered, what game is she watching? Because the batter was still walking up to the plate when you said it. Then the Cardinals got a double play. But by now I had figured out that you're not actually psychic, but that your cable is faster than my satellite. And I TOLD you not to tell me stuff like that during a game.

"Oh. Well. If I think of anything else, I can tell you in the morning."

"What if I haven't had time to watch the game yet?"

My mom. The reason nobody can record a game and save it to watch later.


  1. That is funny, the same thing has happened to me...cable is about 4 seconds faster than satellite.

  2. Our cable must have been designed by the Slowinskis (those turtles in the Comcast commercials) because I never receive anything early.

  3. My family was more scared of me than your family of you, apparently. I had to buy episodes of "Breaking Bad" this last season, and my family members who have cable/satellite/whatever knew better than to tell me how it ended, because I was always a day behind.

    You have to get a crazy look on your face, make a spray of spittle explode out of your mouth as your shriek, and gesticulate wildly. They get the idea...

  4. joeh,
    I didn't know you called my mom about the Cardinals game! Small world, huh? Next thing you know, you'll be discussing the mysterious Johnny Hedgeapple over dirty-water cocktails, while she flaunts the hole in the knee of her pants.

    Well, that's a sure sign that the universe is conspiring against you.

    You might check into a teaching gig at the Learning Annex to make some benjamins by spreading your technique to the masses.

  5. Sorry. I meant to say, "...as YOU shriek..."

  6. Sioux,
    Well, now. My keen proofreading eye did not catch that. I was more interested in the unfurling of the crazy flag, and helping you make some spare change while moonlighting as sane to teach crazy.