Friday, October 18, 2013

I'm Just a Big Ol' Horse's Rear

Let's have a sing-a-long tonight. C'mon! Everybody grab a dirty-water cocktail and lubricate the old vocal cords. How about a little Paul Simon? Surely everybody knows some Paul Simon. Not the bow-tied congressman who is no longer congressing. Mr. Garfunkel's better half.

Now we can't sing just any song, no matter how groovy you're feelin'. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, and hopefully the waters will be untroubled. We're not going to Graceland. You can't call me Al, and you can't love me like a rock.We're not picking up some Kodachrome for a mother and child reunion. It's getting late in the evening, and time is slip-sliding away. We are not meeting Julio down by the school yard.

But I DID meet Hick by accident as I was coming out of the pharmacy and he was going into the Chinese restaurant. Let's sing that one!

I met my old husband on the Chinese restaurant parking lot last night
He seemed surprised to see me so unriled
And we ordered up some carry-out
And no one drank a beer

We're just a couple of horse's rears
We're just a couple of horse's rears

I'm not the kind of Val who tends to socialize
I tend to quote old movies but not plays
And I ain't no fool for current songs
That loudly assault my ears

Classic rock is music to my ears
Classic rock is music to my ears

Four in the morning, new day, dawning
Breather cooties spraying where I lay
I always worry, definitely, shouldn't I
Those germs never fade

Now I sit in my T-Hoe and watch the cars
I fear they'll do some damage one fine day
And I'll see that they're convicted
By a jury of my peers

I'm just a big ol' horse's rear
Oh, I'm crazy, I'm crazy
And a gigantic horse's rear

Hey! That was pretty good. Maybe we'll practice a bit and cut an album. Go out on tour. My garage band composed of Me, Myself, and I can back us. Let's see...I used to call that band Mommy's Got a Headache. But I recently switched. Now what was that name again? Oh, I remember...

Other Dogs' Anuses


  1. I'll volunteer to design your CD cover.

  2. Most dogs' anuses are quite productive.

    Pffft. "OMG! Who did that?"

    An hour later...Pffft. "Jeezle! That stench is deadly. Who farted?"

    Thirty minutes later. Pffft. "Get the Lysol. Hurry!"

    While all the people are blaming each other, the dog is laying there, happily emptying his gas-filled belly.

    The moral of this story: never let Kramer choose the food that goes into a four-legged animal.

  3. Stephen,
    That would be great! I know you have your own ideas...but I think something like a patchwork quilt of dog anuses would be quite attractive.

    RUSTY! Who knew that Beef-A-Rino didn't agree with a horse's digestive system?

    Around these parts, people ALWAYS blame the dog. Whether he's guilty or not.