Friday, October 25, 2013

The Universe Conspires to Mock Me

You know how occasionally you deliberately or accidentally send a wish out there, and in a few days it comes back? Sometimes that's not really a good thing.

Oh, every now and then, it's nice. Like only yesterday on the way to school, I complained to The Pony about a song we hadn't heard on our SiriusXM Prime Country music station. "Hey. We haven't heard Private Andrew Malone in several months. I'd really like to hear that one again. Genius always liked it, too." And wouldn't you know it, when I took my mom for a ride to pay the bills today, that very song came on the radio. I heard it in its entirety. Mom even held her tongue and didn't interrupt. I just looked it up, and the actual title is Riding With Private Malone, by David Ball. If you're a country hater, don't listen. Keep on hatin'. It's a free country.

Then there are the times a thought goes out into the universe, and you don't really want it to come back. It's like Gage in Pet Sematary. Best forgotten. Try to move on. Of course I'm leading up to a prime example.

Last night, during commercials in the World Series broadcast, I grabbed one of the multitude of junk mail catalogs that EmBee the green wide-mouthed mailbox stuffs herself with, which I peruse in order to cut out odd items and mail to Genius. This one happened to be from Signals. Not that I've ever bought anything from it. Most items are just not my style. And expensive, to boot! But sometimes they're funny. Or unusual.

There it was, in the top right-hand corner. A picture of an item I did not recognize. What in tarnation IS that thing? I looked closer. Some kind of pendant.

Then I read the description. Personalized Dog Nose Charm. Yeah. THE HORROR! Make it stop! Seems like only yesterday I wrote of my unfortunate oral violation by my canine's proboscis. Surely you remember it. I Might Be Changing the Name of My Garage Band From "Mommy's Got a Headache" to "Other Dogs' Anuses." Yeah. I had to put in that plug. Because I really like the title. Not because I want to relive that nightmare. My mom still goes into hysterics when SHE brings it up.

Now this. Who in their right mind wants to wear a charm of their dog's nose? And pay upwards of $149 for it? I imagine it costs more if the dog is, say, a Great Pyrenees, as opposed to a chihuahua. Perhaps it's the difference in hefty medallions or dainty charms. Or maybe you can get them in pewter, white gold, or 14k. I don't know. Because I couldn't read any further than the method of procuring Fido's snootprint. Apparently, you order a kit that you use to slap some kind of mold over your beloved pet's nasal cavities. You know. The ones they need to draw breath and remain alive. Then you mail that back to get your charm.

Even more scary is the proclamation: In Stock and Ready to Ship. What? How can they already have my dog's nose in stock? That's just wrong. Is there some kind of database of dog's noses? Maybe that's why my fleabags bark their fool heads off between 4:00 and 7:00 a.m. every day. The dog-nosers are after them. For the database. Pardon me if I do not think it's cool to let a dog snout dangle from my neck.

What's next, a chewy black pacifier?


  1. From Juno's nose to another dog's butt...

    (Signals' stuff is too rich for my blood, too. But I do enjoy perusing their catalogs. Of course, most of them get "flagged.")

  2. Like you I don't get why anyone would want this, but they can't possible have an impression of your particular dog. I don't see how this works, and bottom line it isn't very attractive.

  3. Proof that some people have too much time and money on their hands.

  4. I love my dogs, but ........ I suppose it would be the gift to give someone who has "everything". Everything, that is, except a pendant representing their dog's snout. Must be a market for it if they have them "in stock" and if they have them in stock, why do they need a mold of the dog nose?

  5. Well that charm would be a great conversation starter...and ender.

    Next will be a print of your dogs butt. Then you could look for a nose print to match.

  6. Ooh, just saw Birdies comment...I think she has it about right.

  7. I'm just relieved to learn it was a dog nose imprint and not the butt mark of an elf with dry skin.

  8. Sioux,
    Juno's nose really gets around.

    Beauty is in the eye of the dog-owner. You might sooner call a baby "breathtaking" as insinuate to these nose-pendant-wearers that their dog's nose is nothing special.

    Well, this will take care of the money department.

    Exactly! As if a person could recognize their own dog's nose from looking at a metal replica. Everyone knows that takes a taste test. I suppose the "In Stock" might refer to the molds. However, I feel that most businesses would be reluctant to advertise their vast supply of mold stock.

    I see this branching into a board game of Concentration. Other Dogs' Noses and OTHER DOGS' ANUSES! Maybe I could work out a tie-in for my garage band to play music for the TV commercial. Think of the exposure I could get from, and for, OTHER DOGS' ANUSES!

    And to think, we only have Bigfoot around here. Your woods are filled with magical, though dermatologically-challenged, creatures.