Thursday, October 17, 2013

Cleanliness is Next to the Bargain Bin

Hick is up to his old tricks again. No. He hasn't scammed any food items I've been saving for myself, or left onions on the kitchen counter, or infected me with his latest virus as he sprays it through his breather while rooting his arm under my pea-princess-mattress-stack of pillows. He has not even brought home a box of Auction Meat.

But he DID get a bargain.

Last night around 6:15, he called downstairs to The Pony. "Pony! Come help me with something."

"All right." It was spoken with the intonation of Carrie May in the movie The House Bunny. If you haven't seen that gem, and are a fan of comedy in general, or Anna Faris, Colin Hanks, Emma Stone, or Kat Dennings specifically...I suggest you give it a whirl.

"Come on."

"Just a minute. How long will it take? I'm watching Survivor at 7:00."

"Not long. About 15 minutes. We're just going up the way. I need you to help me get a shower." He was not talking about assistance with bathing.

As promised, several short minutes later The Pony returned. I've trained him well, my little thoroughbred. He immediately trotted into my dark basement lair brandishing his phone. "I knew you'd want a picture, but this is the best I could do. I couldn't get far enough away to get the whole thing."

Yeah. That's a FREE shower. FREE! It doesn't matter that we are not in need of a free shower. We had to have it. Because it's FREE, by cracky! I suppose it could go in the BARn. With retirement looming over the two-year horizon, it will be good for Hick to have a place that is self-sustaining.

I am more entranced with the phone photo The Pony took while standing on the tailgate of Hick's truck. Do you see it? That can be a picture of a white shower enclosure rammed up against Hick's truck toolbox. Or it can be a fancy-schmancy metal cooler with a black bottom sitting in a free shower enclosure! Like a lady in a fancy plumed hat, or an old crone. Like a vase, or two faces.

One thing's for sure. Right now we can't use the truck. Or that free shower.


  1. I don't even see it, sometimes free can be pretty expensive.

  2. And unless my eyes are deceiving me, is that word "free" spelled out in painter's tape or duct tape?

    If that IS the case, you have a free shower and some small scraps of pretty-colored tape that can be reused later...

  3. Maybe just the tape was free, not the shower?

  4. I agree with Joe. Some of my biggest expenditures were over free stuff.

  5. joeh is right. Its usually the free stuff, like a literal white elephant that haunts your life, takes up space, and starts a domino effect of trips to the hardware store. If you give a mouse a cookie...

  6. joeh,
    Can't see it? Oh, dear. You have succumbed to "joe eye." It's the modern-day equivalent of "jake leg" during prohibition. You might even be the defining case of this new affliction that plagues New Jersians who have been known to imbibe spirits in shady establishments.

    OH NO! Our second victim of "joe eye" is losing vision as I type. You may never be able to behold the majesty, but if I had my druthers, Madam, I would take that duct tape, cut it into tiny squares, and slap it back on the ol' bargain shower in this configuration:



    It is true that Hick has been known to leave out pertinent details. Perhaps I should pursue that line of questioning, and cross-examine Public Enemy #1, who is acting as his own defense attorney.

    Don't listen to his recommendations for New Jersey cocktails! It's not too late for you! Hick brought home a free hot tub one time. I'm still paying for that in terms of nausea, every time I think about what shot out of the jets.

    There are none so blind as those who follow Joe. Wow. That elephant is a jack of all trades. But I heard elephants are afraid of mice, so you might want to watch where you serve that cookie.