Wednesday, December 16, 2020

A Little Secret, Putting FedEx on Blast (Part 1)

I'm about to reveal a little secret. You won't tell, will you? I'm sure I can trust you. It involves Hick's Christmas presents. So far, I've gotten him three gifts. I set out to get ONE, but like that book about giving a mouse a cookie, it led to more and more issues! Hick doesn't read much of anything besides listings to buy or sell firearms. Certainly not this blog. So our secret should be safe, unless one of you has an uncontrollable urge to poop this party.

Hick carries his money in a trifold wallet. He does not like a bifold. Gotta be a trifold. Sometimes, they're hard to find. At least hard to find in the design he'd like, and in the last-minute time period when I try to buy them. It's a standard Christmas gift for him. If he didn't get a trifold wallet every year, the other one might explode as he crossed the street, stuffing a tear-off strip for free guitar lessons into it.

Anyhoo... I used to find these wallets at Tractor Supply. I haven't been there in a while. It's over in Bill-Paying town, and I stick close to home these days, mainly going only to convenience stores and Country Mart and Save A Lot. They don't have brown leather trifold wallets embossed with a deer head. I checked online, but they were sold out on the websites I consulted.

BUT... I found a brown leather trifold wallet, not with a deer head, but with THE ROUND END THINGY FROM A SHOTGUN SHELL EMBEDDED! Yep! That'll definitely do! So I ordered it, from Bass Pro Shop, although the shipping info said it was coming from Cabela's. I thought they were competitors, but any store that sends me a brown leather trifold wallet is good with me.

There's the problem. Being SENT to me. The arrival window covered a day that we would be gone to the casino. Gone during delivery hours. Leaving any package at the mercy of Jack the Leather Wallet Eater! I didn't want to take a chance on ordering later, lest it sell out. I've tried before to have packages delivered on a certain day, but FedEx ignores information you put in on their website for just such a service.

I had the most scathingly brilliant idea! If I ordered something bigger, to be shipped along with the wallet, Jack would not be able to carry off the box to the front yard for a snack. Even if he could get his tiny mouth on it, we would most likely return before he ate all the way through the box. I found a nice calendar of vintage pickup trucks. That would be something Hick likes. Since he also has a birthday coming up, I added a calendar of vintage muscle cars. He DOES have more than one themed shed where he can hang his calendars, you know!

Imagine my glee when I saw that my package had shipped early! With an arrival date the day BEFORE our casino trip. But then I saw the note that it was a partial order! It was coming in TWO SHIPMENTS! Of course it didn't say which items.

The day before the casino trip, I got out of the shower to hear Hick, who'd come home for lunch, say that I had a package. 

"I seen the FedEx guy coming up the driveway, so I went out. I told him to put any packages on top of The Pony's car, or in the back of the Gator, because we don't want the dogs getting to them. He said he'd most likely be the one to make our deliveries, and he would."

"I thought you said Jack can get things out of the Gator. He climbs in on the seats, and then in the back."

"Oh, yeah. Well, maybe he won't."

So I was relieved that our packages would be okay this year, with that guy knowing where to put them. I went to open the package, but IT WASN'T THE WALLET! It was checks I'd ordered, that had been scheduled to arrive on Friday, not days earlier.

Off I went to town for a haircut. As I came out to T-Hoe and checked my phone, I saw an email notice that my Cabela's package had been delivered 10 minutes ago. I called The Pony. No answer on his cell phone. No answer on the house phone. I sent a frantic text about the package.

"Oh. I just got in the shower. That must by why the dogs were barking. I'll check when I get out."

Of course, chances were that I might make it home before The Pony every got out of the shower. But I guess he cut it short, because when I arrived, he had the package.

"I found it sitting on the concrete. Between the two garage doors."

So much for our FedEx promise. I guess there was more than one driver on this route. I opened the package, and found the wallet safe, and also the vintage truck calendar. Which meant the vintage muscle car calendar was shipping separately.

Later that evening, I heard footsteps on the front porch. As I was walking to the door, Hick entered.

"Here's another package. I found it here on the porch. Beside the door."

It was a soft plastic bag of pajamas and socks that I'd ordered a week ago. Good thing the dogs had been with Hick over at the BARn. Obviously this was the THIRD FedEx driver that had left a package that day. All in a different place. Like an Easter Egg hunt!

Of course by now, I'm sure you've figured out when the muscle car calendar got delivered... More on that tomorrow.


  1. Scathingly brilliant. Hailey Mills was my favorite.

    1. That movie had a great ensemble cast! I bet I'd be great at playing the silent piano.

  2. Had to Google trifold wallet.

    1. What in the Not-Heaven! Are you so sheltered that you've never heard of a trifold wallet? Or are you so SOPHISTICATED that you've never heard of a trifold wallet? Perhaps you carry your money all willy-nilly in a money clip!

    2. I mostly use a money clip, not sure if it is sophisticated, it came from has Mickey Mouse swinging a golf club engraved on need to pass the grey poupon here.

    3. Better a Disneyland money clip than one of those wallets with the dangling chain. Though your money clip might not be such a good weapon in a fight, unless you could pinch the thief really hard with it.

  3. I have male friends and family who all prefer trifold wallets.
    I love buying things online, but hate having to stay home until things get delivered, once they email me a package is on the way. There just isn't anywhere here to safely leave things.

    1. Our most dangerous place for delivery is the MAILBOX! Darn thieves! Once a package gets to our house, it's pretty safe from package-snatchers, but at the mercy of the dogs if it isn't in a big box.

  4. I find packages all over the place. AND, there was a return pickup scheduled for Tuesday. Someone knocked on the door early Monday morning. What is the use of a schedule when it means nothing to the delivery guy?

    1. The only schedule we get is the day. Which isn't always right. We've had them delivered after 8:00 p.m. We've had other people's packages that I delivered at my own peril, to a guy skulking around a garage, with bloody knuckles.

      No knocking here. They don't even bring it to the porch! Just toss it out in the driveway sometimes.