Wednesday, February 27, 2019

On Monday, Val Was Public Enemy #2

Yes, Val's crime spree continued! Totally unpremeditated.

During our drive back from Oklahoma on Sunday, Hick decided to make a major purchase. It will be brought to light in the near future. All you need to know now is that Val agreed to the plan, and was designated to procure the funds on Monday. We have our fortune spread amongst assorted institutions. I generally go to the closest one to withdraw the amount needed. That's how I ended up at our credit union on Monday afternoon.

I'm in there all the time. They recognize me on sight. I'm usually there to take out The Pony's monthly college allowance, or a lump sum to cover his housing or meal plan. It's a fairly secure facility, with two windows covered with (bullet-proof, I'm sure) glass, and a little scoop out of the counter, covered with metal, where you slide your paperwork/money in/out. I sometimes feel funny sliding a note card in there, with our names, and the amount I want to withdraw. It's the easiest way, though, since I don't want anyone at the other window, or waiting in line, to hear my business. The act always gives me the silent giggles, since movie characters rob banks that way.

There's a daily and weekly limit on the amount of cash one can remove from this facility. They've violated their own rules for me before, and given me more, but I wasn't expecting them to do that this time. I said a check made out to me was fine.

I took that check out to my bank, with the intent of cashing it. Our purchase was to be a cash transaction, scheduled for a couple days later. I practically skipped into the lobby, glad to be almost done with this chore, headed next to procure my 44 oz Diet Coke, which I'd not had since the Wednesday previous, before our trip. There are three teller slots at my branch, and two already had customers. A new gal came from the back, up to the third window, and said she could help me.

"I would like to cash this check. I have an account here." I slid the check across the counter, and opened my checkbook to show her my account number.

"This is more than I'm authorized for."

"Well, is there someone here who's authorized for this amount?"

"Um. Let me see."

New Gal fiddled and faddled without leaving her window. Looked at her computer screen. Said they couldn't do it.

"Well, I can deposit it. And withdraw the money from my account, right?"


"I can't withdraw my own money???" Let the record show that there was considerably more than the amount of my check in our account. We just didn't want to use it for our major purchase.

"Just a minute."

New Gal took a step sideways, and picked up the phone. She held her other hand over her mouth so I couldn't hear her. Mighty secretive, that New Gal! I don't mind them calling to verify a check. They do that when we get a check from our insurance company, like for our hail-damaged roof. I don't blame them. With printers these days, people can fake those checks. Not that I know anything about that, mind you!

New Gal stepped back to the counter. "They say it's not one of their checks."

"WHAT? I just came from there! I just got it! What do you mean it's not their check?"

"They say they didn't issue this check."

New Gal was tapping her index finger on an address at the top of the check. It was upside down to me, and I couldn't see what it said.

"Let me see that. Who IS that? That's not where I got this check! THERE! That first address! That's where I just came from. Just up the road! Call THEM! They're the ones who gave me that check. I can't believe this!"

New Gal looked like she wanted to disappear. I was not loud. Just emphatic. I bore her no ill will. But this mess had to get straightened out. New Gal went back to the phone. Cupped her hand over her mouth. All at once, I remembered that I hadn't signed the back of my check! You know, because what if I'd been in a wreck between there and here, and somebody took it and cashed it? Which would probably have been easier for THEM that it was being for ME!

New Gal stepped up to the counter. "Okay. We've got it. So you want to deposit this?"

"Yes. And withdraw that amount from my account. But you'd better let me sign the back, because I forgot."

I signed the check, and filled out a deposit slip. New Gal fiddled and faddled again at her computer. I swear, the tortoise could have beaten her in a check-deposit race. Then she went to another area for a printout. Which showed that my funds would not be available for 10 days, with the reason box checked where it said because the financial institution may not honor the funds. Huh. They used to do that all the time with Hick's bonus checks from work. And even with a CASHIER'S check! I don't mind them following policy, but you'd think New Gal would have at least looked to see if I'd endorsed that check first!

"Okay. Now I'd like to withdraw that amount from my account."

"Oh. Well. I'm not authorized..."

"Get somebody who can do it."

Seriously. This had gone on long enough. I was not going to be denied money from my own account, money that had nothing to do with this 10-day-malingering check. I filled out a counter withdrawal slip. New Gal called over a teller I've dealt with before. While waiting, she asked for my driver's license. I don't mind that a bit. I would HOPE they check ID if somebody fills out a counter withdrawal slip to take money from my account.

"Sure. Just got a new one."

Old Gal came over. "What's going on?"

"She just deposited this check, that's on hold, and now she wants to withdraw this money from her account. AND SHE JUST GOT A NEW LICENSE!"

"Is this her?"

"It's me! I can show you my old one, too! Here it is--"

"Oh, that won't be necessary--"

"I insist! LOOK at that! Would I carry that around if it wasn't ME?"

New Gal looked at it and started guffawing, while Old Gal typed up the info in the computer. "New Gal, New Gal...what are we gonna do with you?"

"I know. I'm so much trouble. But I'm not authorized for that much."

"Here. Give it to her. It's okay."

New Gal counted out my money from her drawer. This whole episode had taken 30 minutes, when all I wanted to do was cash a simple check. I was very conscious of the cameras on me the whole time. What with being fresh off the hook for credit card fraud on Friday.


  1. I deposited a check into my Wells Fargo account and they demanded a thumb print! I told them that if a dufferent thumb print person wants to deposit more money in my account, I would not mind...WF person did not laugh. I then demanded WF person's thumb print on my deposit receipt...WF person did not laugh or comply. I am still trying to figure out how I can scam a bank by depositing a check in my own account.

    1. That's new, possibly the thumb print will be used as verification for a withdrawal also, then the deposit thumb print is proof that you are the same person.

    2. Did they already have a copy of your thumb print to compare it to? Or are you, perhaps, Public Enemy #3? I sure hope they don't plant your thumb print at a crime scene to frame you...

      I'm trying to figure out why she first wasn't going to let me withdraw my own money!

    3. Thumb print! What's next, a lock of hair and a saliva sample for DNA?

    4. Probably a chip embedded in your skin to scan like a credit card. Oops! My conspiracy theories are leaking out...

    5. I have no plans for a tattoo! But those conspiracy theorists DO call the chip the "mark of the beast."

  2. They're gonna get wise to you one of these days, Val. Then it's the Graybar Hotel, where the GUARDS pick up all the loose pennies.

    1. Hick calls it the Crossbars Hilton, which I think sounds much grander than Graybar Hotel. Not that I want a booking there, of course!

      I've never been to prison (okay, I take that back, I've been to a couple of them FOR JOB INTERVIEWS), but from the scuttlebutt, I'd think those guards would know better than to bend over for pennies.

  3. See now, I would have just taken cash from that first institute, sealed it in an envelope and stashed it in my backpack in a secret pocket. No need for all that check (cheque) kerfuffle then.
    Since you did it your way, then at the very first "I'm not authorised", you should have asked for someone who is.

    1. I don't think they would have given me that much cash at the credit union. That girl looked at me kind of panicked when I slid that note card asking for my amount. Then again, maybe she just assumed I was Public Enemy #1.5 at that point.

      I did ask for someone authorized when the bank gal first said it, but she went on her merry way, computer-fiddling and sly-talking on the phone, without calling someone over. I thought she had just been making that up to avoid cashing the check at first.

  4. You miss all these opportunities to inflict some public humiliation! And then she laughed at your DL photo!

    1. I am basically kind in public, and only an evil wench in my mind. C'mon! My (old) driver's license is the gift that keeps on giving. How could I deny them that joy?