Val Thevictorian has a
bone to pick with the cheese man at Walmart. Surely Walmart has a cheese man,
right? Cheese doesn’t just roll itself in there on its uniwheel, shred itself,
and jump into a plastic bag. It gets processed elsewhere, and it gets delivered
to Walmart. Somebody checks off the shipment, and decides where that cheese
will go. Perhaps into the cooler to await restocking. Perhaps into a freezer to
preserve it until there’s a hue and cry for shredded mozzarella. Perhaps onto a
loading dock in the August dog days to sit, sweating, until somebody notices
the cheese is steaming, then clandestinely shoves into a cooler until
restocking time. Gotta move that cheese first.
VAL GOT SOME BAD CHEESE!
Don’t go blaming Val.
She has bought this product before, with no problem. A brand name, even. A
50-pound bag of shredded mozzarella. It’s great for slapping onto homemade
pizza, into nachos, onto pasta, and topping garlic cheese bread. Which brings
us to last night, 'round about dinner time.
I had the chicken
tortellini boiling, the sauce simmering, my minced-garlic-infused butter
already spread upon the French bread slices (at Thevictorian household,
cultures are often mingled), awaiting the sprinkling of garlic salt. The oven
was hot for those tasty morsels. As I pried open the Ziploc top of that industrial
size bag of shredded mozzarella that I had just bought last weekend, I spied a
tiny green speck. About the size of a pencil eraser.
THAT FREAKIN’ CHEESE
HAD A USE BY DATE OF NOVEMBER 14! IN 2015!
What’s a woman to do,
her meal simmering and bubbling and her Pony salivating at the thought of that
garlic cheese bread? Okay. The Pony likes his garlic cheese bread without
cheese. Just like he used to prefer his burger without meat. But Hick and I
were ready for some delicious garlic cheese bread to accompany our tortellini.
Yes. I put the cheese
on the bread. NOT THE GREEN PART! The part way on the other side of the
100-pound package. (Heh, heh. I said 100-pound package!) Let the record show that
I crumbled those shreds apart to spread evenly on the bread, and no speck of
green was seen. Besides, it was going to melt under the working heating element
in the oven anyway. I stashed the rest of that cheese in the trash. What Hick
didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. And if it did, pathologists searching the
homestead for the agent of death would find it.
Hey! Maybe when I have
that grand opening of my proposed handbasket factory, I can serve up some tasty
garlic cheese bread. For free!
I know your mouth is
waterin’.
What about taking it back and sticking it to the Devil's Playground? They should be glad to get that penicillin back.
ReplyDeleteI don't really want to walk a half mile, enter that climate-controlled-from-Arkansas hothouse with the thermostat set one degree below SURFACE OF THE SUN, dodging those beeper carts, having creepy children stare at me in the return line, and open up that 1500-pound bag of shredded molderella.
DeleteI think I would have returned the rest of the cheese and asked for my money back. Told them I didn't notice the use by date until after I got sick.
ReplyDeleteI think the Walmart cheese man should be decreed to act as my butler for one year, and make me garlic cheese bread every time I snap my fingers. That 2000-pound bag of shredded molderella still had TEN GOOD WEEKS LEFT! On plastic.
DeleteFifty pounds? A hundred pounds? That's a lot of cheese.
ReplyDeleteOops! Did I say fifty pounds? A hundred pounds? What I meant to say was a 2500-pound bag of cheese.
DeleteFreeze that 100 pound package to retard the growth of spores and more. Eww. I bought cheese that was stuck tot he sides of the bag. Wonder how long that sat out?
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to fit a 3000-pound bag of cheese into Frig II, who is already stuffed to the gills with important foods like a DiGiorno Supreme, those little birthday cake flavor ice cream cups, beer-battered fish, stir-fry vegetables, and Eggo NutriGrain blueberry waffles.
DeleteACK! At least my cheese wasn't slimy. Just green!
Well MY mouth is watering for some of that garlic cheese bread. It sounds delicious. Green specks be damned!
ReplyDeleteMy garlic cheese bread was real, and it was spectacular. AND delicious.
DeleteIs that a new picture? With my terrible eyesight, and my worse glasses, you kind of remind me of Colonel Sanders, which means KFC, which makes me think of gas station chicken...MY mouth is watering!
Yes, it is a new picture. Now you come right in, l'i'l lady and sit right down and the Colonel will get you some nice breasts. (heh-heh)
DeleteI can take them to the sauna to share with my new friends!
DeleteGIRL friends. Not guy friends, who won't even loan each other swim trunks because they don't want somebody else's boys where their boys will be when the trunks are returned.
You must have had cheese up to your knees!!
ReplyDeleteYes, one tends to sink quite deeply into 3500 pounds of shredded molderella. I'm lucky I didn't need a snorkel to survive.
Delete