He Hasn't Been Anywhere Near California. I Swear.

Did I mention that Genius is home? Even if I did, you could easily forget that he's around. I, on the other hand, cannot.

"Hey! I'm trying to do the dishes here. I've been working all afternoon on those two cakes and the pie and potato salad. Now I just want to get all these dishes off the counter."

"I'm only getting a gallon of water for my film."

"And this is the only faucet in the house? You always have to be right under me when I'm trying to do something. You could have used the laundry room sink. Why else do we have it? I never wanted it. But your dad found it along the road and had to put it in when we build the house."

"The other faucets won't fit a gallon jug under them. And you already have hot water. It takes too long to run to get it warm."

"I guarantee you that the laundry room faucet would warm up fast, because I've been running hot water in here, and it's only a ten feet away."

"Actually, I forgot about the laundry room sink. But this is more convenient. Can I use this pan to mix my chemicals?"

"NO! That's my good pan. I use it all the time."

"I have used this pan many a time mixing my chemicals."

"Not while I'm home. Use that blue speckled one in the bottom cabinet. I don't like it much."

"This thing? It won't hold a gallon."

"It will hold way more than a gallon. Where are you going?"

"I thought you were done with the dishwater. I splashed chemicals on my hand and need to wash it off."

"I'm done. Use the water. Whenever you're home, it's like having a toddler who needs to be watched every minute. You've always been like that. Your brother was never that way. He's like...like...a toddler you don't really care about. You only have to watch him if you tell him to do a specific job, because you know he won't do it right."

"Next year, instead of having a big Christmas, why don't you get a stainless steel sink and new stove? They would look great with New Frig."

"I wanted a stainless steel sink when we built the house, but your dad, who has never done dishes by hand every single night for infinity, took it upon himself to put in that almond monstrosity that's not even big enough to submerge my 9 x 13 Pyrex dish. I'm sure we can outfit the kitchen to your liking for the three weekends a year that you're here. Hey! What's with all the water?"

"I am letting it run while I clean the chemical pan."

"The way you waste water, you'd think we were paying for it instead of getting it from the well."

"I plan to lower the water table by one foot before I leave."

"I'm not sure I want to hear any more of your plans."