Thursday, November 14, 2013

The Precious Metal Baron

Little did I know that Hick was buying up precious metal resources to have on hand for the apopadopalyspe. Silly me. All I’ve done to prepare is try to capitalize on people’s fears and supply them with handbaskets.

Little did I know there was a method to Hick’s madness, way back in the summer when he hung some specimens on the end of the garage. I simply thought he wanted to junk up our easily-observable living areas along with his more-hidden creek-side cabin recreational areas. It’s bad enough that he nailed license plates to the BARn door as soon as the BARn was no longer just a gleam in his eye. They are not even our license plates. They're random flea market license plates.

No pictures of the BARn licenses, but here are the rusty garage skillets. I kind of thought a man as worldly as Hick would understand the concept of oxidation. For a day or two, these were brand spanking new shiny black used auction skillets. I'm sure you can guess which one is the newest. Oh, and for any of you rockers out there...the name Rusty Garage Skillets is available for your garage band. I'm perfectly content with Other Dogs' Anuses.

So now Hick tells me that the other night at the auction, cast iron skillets were selling for $8.00 apiece. Which is a steal, according to him. Even though he paid around $2.00 or $2.50 for most of his. He further tells me that he has over 200 cast iron items. Huh. The wife is always the last to know.

Hick declared that if anything ever happens to him, I should not regard his cast iron collection as junk, but as a valuable commodity worth several thousand dollars. I suppose if anything happens to him as a result of the apopadopalyspe, it won’t matter anyway. Because the same something would most likely happen to me. And if it didn’t, then I would most likely need those cast iron implements to whack intruding marauders trying to steal cast iron in the back of the head.

I really don’t want to travel around to auctions, selling people cast iron skillets in which to fry their Auction Meat.


  1. What I see there is NOT five skillets but instead, five weapons. You could use one of them--any one of them--to konk Hick on the head, and then sell the valuable skillet, thus getting rid of the evidence...

  2. At the risk of offending you, I think those skillets hanging on the wall look kinda cool!

  3. I have many recipes using iron skillets ...... At least his collection of junk is useful. The rest switch for our pump went out recently and had to be replaced. The old one is rather large and has many parts ...... all of them displayed atop my freezer. I have been told that some of the parts are valuable and not to dispose of anything. The only useful part is that I cannot open the freezer; leaving me unable to prepare food!

  4. A Metal Baron having a BARn covered with license plates and decorated with skillets most certainly must be very precious and unique.

    Yes, and I agree with Stephen Hayes.

  5. Sioux,
    Are you writing a script for that CSI/SVU/NCIS show, Madam? I suppose the rest of the "evidence" will succumb to the wood chipper...

    You're darn tootin'! You can rip the skillet right off the wall, bonk an intruder on the head, and set his meat to sizzlin' in the murder weapon, directly on top of the coals. If you're starving during the apopadopalyspe, of course. Val does not condone murder and cannibalism at the current juncture.

    Since when was anyone afraid of offending Val? What am I, some kind of vigilante who would dispatch an inquisitive visitor with a cast-iron skillet, and then make him a guest of honor at dinner?

    Freezer? Who needs a freezer to get food when you have a cast iron skillet and an inhabited campground?

    He expects that people will come from far and wide to see his stuff. And take it, because every body wants skillets and license plates.

    Surely you and Stephen noticed that the spacing on the bottom tiny skillet is not uniform. Now imagine the fixtures in the house that Hick built.

  6. I think knows how to seriate. Seriously, I like the look.

  7. Linda,
    Much like Baby's sister Lisa in Dirty Dancing is going to decorate...Hick already does.