Saturday, November 30, 2013

Guess Who's Back in Town

Guess who just got back today
That shredded stuff that had been away
Hasn't changed much, not at all I say
But man, she still thinks that stuff tastes great

We were askin' if it was around
What was wrong, where it could be found
I read that it had all been taken down
Driving all the old moms crazy

The slaw is back in town
The slaw is back in town
The slaw is back in town
The slaw is back in town

You know my mom she used to eat a lot
Every day she'd be consumin', scarfin' what she'd got
Man I tell you she would drool, hope it could be bought
I mean she was dreaming

Friday noon she'd be dressed to kill
Holey sweatpants, what a thrill
Showin' off, waitin' for the bill
What, Arby's got no slaw, they'd better get some

That shelf in Walmart's deli restocked her favorite slaw
I ran real quick to grab some, to feed her gaping maw
Been so long, oughta be a law
Five Dollar Daughter isn't dumb


So I picked up some slaw at Walmart and called my mom. "I'm coming out to your house, and I've got two surprises for you. No. I can't tell. Then they wouldn't be surprises!" I could sense that Mom was excited. Maybe because she said 'Woo!'

When I arrived, Mom came out to the driveway. She had a bag of old cornflakes and a turkey carcass to give me. Yeah. Never let it be said that Mom does not reciprocate in the surprise department. The cornflakes were for the chickens, and the turkey carcass for Juno.

"Hand it to me through the window."

"Don't you want me to put it in the back? When I get out my surprises?"

"No! I don't want garbage riding next to my groceries. I want it in the front seat with me."

"All right. Here. I hope you don't get mad...but would my surprise be...slaw?"

"Thanks for ruining your own surprise. Yes. It's slaw. One of your surprises. The other one is really a surprise."

"Ooh! I'm going to get it. Open up the back."

"It's under the edge of my coat. Right in the middle."

"Ooh! Would it be...this orange slice bag?"

"Yes. It's a whole bag of fruit slice candy. All colors. I picked the one with the most red. And it's fresh. Squeeze it."

"Ooh! I love this. But where's my slaw?"

"Right there, Mom. Under the coat. The bag of candy was sitting on top of it."

"Here it is! Mmm...I LOVE slaw! Thank you. I was sitting here waiting (let the record show that it takes 8 minutes to get from Walmart to Mom's house), and I thought, 'Now what could she be bringing me?' And I remembered that Country Mart ran a big ad that they were getting in a shipment of slaw! So I thought maybe you'd found some for me. I can't wait. I'll have some for lunch." Mom cradled that tub of slaw like an infant.

"They only had the small container. It's good until December 20."

"Oh, it won't last that long. Let me pay you. I want to give you something. I'll go in and get my purse."

"That's okay. I just stopped by for a minute. I've got to get these groceries home. You don't owe me. You gave me cornflakes and a turkey carcass."

"Okay. But I'll make it up to you. Thank you. Mmm..."

Mom wiped at the corners of her mouth with a tissue she'd been carrying. I suppose she was drooling. I don't know why she had the tissue. Maybe she was anticipating the slaw. Or just had some sinus drainage.

Too bad I didn't have Hick's quilt to lend her.


  1. I was worried your mom might be going through withdrawal without her slaw.

  2. Thank goodness the boys--oops, the slaw--is back in town. Now we all can rest easy...

  3. Well, but it was a front-seat-riding carcass, so I'd say you're even.

  4. Stephen,
    I know, right? During Thanksgiving dinner, she knocked over a cup of water, dropped a stick of butter, fumbled a wheat roll. That's not like her. I blame the slaw-withdraw.

    Mom had to delay her gratification by another hour, because my sister and the ex-mayor showed up as I left, and stayed for lunch. You didn't think Mom set that slaw out to share, did you? She put it away until after they left.

    A front-seat-riding carcass, and not a single carpool lane in Backroads.