Leave it to my mom to draw attention to herself, even when not wearing her gray sweatpants with the hole in the knee.
I might not have known about her latest attempt to grab the spotlight, had she not confessed last night at 10:30. Then again, her likeness might have been splashed across the airwaves as Public Enemy #2. Not #1. Hick is Public Enemy #1.
This month, the local news has shown a guy caught on surveillance cameras, robbing church collection boxes. Mom chose a more populated target.
"Oh, my. I have to tell you this. I went to Walmart this morning to pick up a few things. When I got outside, I saw a can of nuts rolling around. What? In the cart. It wasn't in a bag. So I wondered, did I put that there? Was it already in the cart when I started pushing it? I had nuts on my list. I'm making Check Mix for the church bazaar. I sent Genius a letter about the bazaar, but I think I spelled it wrong, with two Zs. He's probably laughing at me. What? Oh. So all my other groceries were in the bags. I wondered if the nuts might have rolled out as I pushed the cart. I got in the car with the nuts, and checked my receipt. Would you believe that the nuts were not on the receipt? So then I started to worry. What if they saw me leave without paying? I don't remember putting the nuts on the conveyor. The girl came around to scan some soda that I had in my cart. But she didn't scan the nuts. IF they were mine. She should have seen them in there. What? Uh huh. I wanted the nuts. So I got to thinking, that girl might get in trouble if her register was short. I took that can of nuts and walked back in. Not in a bag or anything. Just in my hands. And I went over to that girl, and explained that I found them in my cart when I got to the car, but they were not on the receipt, so I was bringing them back in to pay for them. And do you know what that girl said? 'WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TAKE THEM?' Can you believe that? I told her no, that I was not that kind of person, and I could not just take them. I didn't pay for them. I told her she would probably see me now every time I came in, and hope that I didn't come through her line."
"Well, she SHOULD be hoping that she doesn't see you in the store, telling everyone that story, and that all those people rush to her line hoping to get something free."
"Oh, you're terrible. I have not had a very good day. I went to the bank to put in my dividend check, and all they sent back through the canister was a slip of paper. So I pushed that call button and said, 'I wanted to cash that check, and all I got was a piece of paper. I'm waiting for my cash.' And do you know what they told me? They can't cash that check. So I said, 'You've been cashing it for nine years now. I don't know why you can't cash it today.' So the girl left for a while, and when she finally came back she said that they could give me my money today, because So-and-So had signed for me. There is no need for anyone to sign for me! That is my dividend check!"
"Was that the same girl who shorted you $10 that time you deposited a check and wanted cash back?"
"Yes! I don't even think she got into any trouble for that. She's still working there."
"I hope she's not scamming old people. I think that next time, I would go inside if I was you, and make sure I didn't get that girl to wait on me."
"I KNOW! I was thinking exactly the same thing. I'm staying home tomorrow. I've had enough of this."
"I know exactly how you feel, Mom."
From one nut case to another.