Friday, November 15, 2013

CAUTION: If Symptoms Persist, See a Doctor

Oh. Hello there. You caught me in the act of hanging out my shingle. Yes. I'm nailing it right to the wall of my proposed handbasket factory. I'm a self-certified, old-age, entrepreneurial practitioner. My advice is good for what ails you, as long as what ails you is a sinus headache. I discovered the cure this morning on the way to my eye doctor appointment.

Of course Val can't go to an eye doctor appointment without first stopping by her mom's house to drop off the used tabloids from last week. Have you heard? Bill Clinton is still dying, the Queen is still dying, Camilla hates Kate, and Oprah's mom and dad are having some kind of legal battle over an affair. Anyhoo...Mom offered me no money (this is certainly a long dry spell) for my trouble. She did, however, offer me pills when I disclosed my medical status.

"Oh, I hate a sinus headache. Do you need something? A Tylenol? An ibuprofen?" I turned down Mom's drugs and tried my go-to method of sinus headache relief. I pushed my nose sideways.

Don't scoff. It works. Put your thumb and forefinger at the end of your nose bone. Right where the cartilage starts. Right there at the top of the ball of your nose. What? You don't have a nose ball? Then this cure may not be for you. It may not work for the witchy hooks and the Nixon ski-slopes. But it works for the clowny nose-balls. Yeah. Val has a nose-ball. What are you looking at?

Take your forefinger off the side of the upper nose-ball, and use your thumb to push it to one side. Sure, your nose-ball will nestle against your cheek. Your nose is out of joint. But it feels so good! The pressure in your sinuses goes away. Then there's that urge to sneeze.

This is a warning. Better not try this technique while driving. You can feel that sneeze building. Then it explodes.Atch...HOO! Bend again. Atch...HOO! Blow your nose. Again, engage in nose-ball-bending. Atch...HOO! Atch...HOO! Blow your nose again. Then repeat, using your other hand, pushing your nose-ball the other way.

Yeah. That's a sure-fire cure. It's as good as a jar of the Baldwin Sisters' remedy, or anything Granny ever concocted in her cauldron out by the cement pond.

Too bad it only lasts until you climb into your T-Hoe and head to the optometrist. When you meet up with your best old ex-teaching buddy Mabel after the appointment, and have a sausage egg biscuit, you can swallow an acetaminophen. Then, ninety minutes later, you can toss back an ibuprofen. By noon-thirty, that sinus headache will be gone.

Better jot that down if you want the cure for free. At my proposed handbasket factory, I will be listing a phone number that will cost you $5.00 per minute. Still, you're getting a sure-fire cure for a sinus headache.

That's nothing to sneeze at.


  1. Hey, Val. Can I hang my shingle right next to yours? I'd like to start a "Recycled Crocs" store, along with a "Unique Shampoo for You" franchise.

    How 'bout it?

  2. So...okay...I'm trying to see if I got this straight...The nose ball pushing really DOESN'T work then?? You do that to fool others, and then you eat out, and then take pills?? I'm cornfused, and discomboobelated! Oh, and P, DO know it's a physical impossibility to keep your eyes open when you sneeze?? So, that's not a good thing to do while driving a vehicle of any kind!

  3. I've never experienced a sinus headache but I hear they can be very painful. I hope you're well soon.

  4. Such good advice and at such a discount! Medical professionals can't compete with self-certified, old-age, entrepreneurial practitioners. I'm confused about getting my nose out of joint though. Does this refer to a hinge in the body or roadside establishment serving liquor?

  5. I accidentally emptied my sinus cavity, I bent over to find a lost earring, rested my head on the bed and searched the floor..and son of a gun, water poured out of my nose!

  6. Sioux,
    As the unkempt, twisted hank of rope said to the barkeep who refused to server him, calling him a string..."I'm a frayed knot."

    I can't have any old Madam taking up shingle space. You'll have to peddle your boring brown and black used Crocs, and your unmagical shampoo that sticks like glue to faculty restroom sinks...elsewhere. Maybe you can sell them as raw material for pennies on the dollar to Linda, to use for her kiddie crafts.

    The nose-ball adjusting works just fine. For about ten minutes. Then you must progress to further adjustments. Like eating sausage egg biscuits, and taking one acetaminophen and one ibuprofen. Works like a charm.

    Thanks for your get-well-soon. Thanks to my remedy, I was fine by four-thirty, through the night, and all day today.

    I might even start a school for SCOAEPs. I could run it out of a back room at my proposed handbasket factory. You can disjoint your nose as you see fit. But look out for a Madam selling old Crocs and sticky shampoo.

    Um...that wasn't water. It was snot. I hope nobody asked why the bed was wet, and you said, "Oh. Water poured out of me."

  7. Who are you, callin' me a ho? Or a "boss of more than one ho"?

    You got some nerve, lady.

  8. Sioux,
    Wait. I've only been calling you Madam for about...oh...let's see...going on a year now. And you just noticed? There must be something else wrong with that shampoo. Frankly, I think this whole outrage thing is a CROC!