Tuesday, October 15, 2019

A Peek Inside Val's Seedy World of No-Armed Bandits

Last week's casino trip on the quest to procure a FREE camouflage metal water bottle, eat up $25 of FREE food, and collect $80 of FREE cash was entertaining, if not profitable.

As with any casino trip, I tucked my casino bankroll into my gambling purse, cut out our comp coupons, and hit the road to sweave with Hick. We stayed for four hours, with my fortune ebbing and flowing. I risked chastisement from security to provide pictures for those who would never dip a dainty tootsie inside a casino, preferring to remain home carving scrimshaw on non-endangered ivory to sell for raising funds for butt plugs to stop methane emissions of beef and dairy cows, while not-watching television, and eating only raw foods harvested from highway right-of-ways, washed down with water in plastic bottles, transported all the way from Fiji.

The third slot I played was Fu Dao Le, the game where giggling babies fill the screen and portend an upcoming fortune. It gave me a second-spin bonus of $89. Which I went on to wager on a bad investment of Wonder 4 Boost.

Lucky for me, I tried a weird ram-headed slot, because it looked like something The Pony might play. He has a knack for picking obscure slots that pay him.

A few spins after bumping my bet up to $1.50, I hit a bonus that paid me the MINOR progressive, which was $114. Of course I wandered around playing more mainstream games, which ate my money like it was a pulled-pork lunch special!

I took this picture not because I was so proud of my "unbelievable win" of $35.15 on a $.60 bet, but because this machine never lets me win, and I thought the almost-full screen was pretty. Too bad it's not a video, so you can see that leprechaun nodding his head and winking! I'm not about to risk getting banned from a casino for filming! Even for dainty-toed scrimshaw carvers saving the world from flatulent cows while drinking bottled foreign water.

By the time I cashed out, I got back all but $49.01 of my original casino bankroll. But don't you worry about Val going to the pauper-house! Folded in my pants pocket, saved from wagering, was my FREE cash from my two $25 comp coupons.

I didn't want to take a picture of cash in a casino, but when I was back home, tidying up my gambling purse and putting my driver's license back in my other purse, I snapped a picture of it on the kitchen counter.

Even Steven allowed me a $.99 profit after my day at the casino. Hick did not volunteer his results, though he did say he spent his two $15 FREE cash comps. Good thing I hung onto mine. I don't usually leave with a profit.


  1. .99 is a few months of penny bending picking pennies at the gas station chicken place.

    1. AND it's 59 percent of a 44 oz Diet Coke!

  2. I love the shiny brightness and colours of the machines, but that still doesn't tempt me into playing. I've even given up on lottery tickets for now, after a quick review of my budget book. I haven't been anywhere near our casino for years, and I hear it has had several upgrades since then, but if I wanted to play there are machines in the hotel two blocks away from my home. I guess I just don't have the gambling gene.

    1. I agree, you either have the gene, or you don't. My grandma had it, as do I, and The Pony. Genius will join in CasinoPalooza, but socks away over half of his money and won't wager it. At least we all can set a limit and not go below. I never take in anything I'm not prepared to lose.