Don't they? Or am I the only one? The last of a dying breed. Or the crazy, cutting-edge innovator of a new trend. Am I the lone poop-shamer of the Blogosphere?
Here's the deal. I didn't consciously set out to be a poop-shamer on Monday. Sure, I've poop-shamed on my supersecret blog, but only five or six people must have read about it there. It's not like I'm a viral poop-shamer, or have a YouTube channel devoted to it. I only poop-shame as needed, to keep my sanity, and put the kibosh on an inadvertent murder of Hick by the arthritic hands of Val. Yes. Hick is the poop-shamed.
I called him when I got home from town. He'd passed me at the mailboxes before I left for town, and I'd seen SilverRedO at Hardee's when I went by. In the driveway an hour later, I noticed his absence, and gave him a call.
"Where are you now?"
"I'm up at the storage units. I brought some of my stuff by to put in, after cleaning out the BARn."
"Oh. I have a box of groceries to carry in, which I guess I will do by myself. I bought you some apples. That might help your problem. Though I don't see how, if you are only getting out little hard pieces, I had to clean off dried poop from the back of the toilet seat."
"Oh, well... ha, hah. I don't know how that happened..."
"Okay. I can tell you don't want to talk to me. As soon as I can get this garage door to open--I've only been telling you for about 10 years that my controller doesn't work--I'll carry in my stuff."
"Genius and I checked your opener. There was nothing wrong with it--"
"Never mind. It finally opened. I'll carry stuff in. Bye."
First of all, if Hick and GENIUS checked my garage door opener, that was 2013 at the most recent, since that's the year Genius went off to college. So I don't think it was unreasonable to expect him to offer to look at my opener for battery issues, or get me another one.
The poop issue, though, is of Hick's own making. I suspect he has been eating TWO bananas a day, rather than one, since he bought little green bananas at the auction, and didn't tell me, so I bought seven beautiful bananas at Walmart the next morning. Once he mentioned his "problem" on Sunday, I took the bull by the horns, and bought him some apples on Monday.
I didn't stop to think, while poop-shaming Hick, that other people might be privy (heh, heh, I said PRIVY) to our conversation. Hick was so abrupt with me that after the call, it dawned on me that MAYBE Hick was not in his Storage Unit Store at the time of the call, but shooting the bull in the office with the owner.
OOPS.
Let the record show that I have no problem hearing every word of Hick's phone conversations when we are sweaving along in A-Cad. He apparently has the volume set on HIGH.
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UPDATE:
Hick said he was NOT sitting in the office, but standing by his buddy a few units down. He didn't know if his buddy heard me poop-shame him or not. In the words of Hick himself: "I don't know. I don't care, anyway. It is what it is." Kind of like his attitude about the reason he NEEDS poop-shaming.
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Well now it is just our little secret...which I'd rather not know.
ReplyDeleteRiver didn't like my Fart video, what is she going to think of this? TMI me thinks and I have to agree.
Dang! Tough crowd. I might as well post about weather and politics...
Deletejoeh; I didn't like your fart video because it just wasn't funny. I certainly wasn't offended.
DeleteI didn't think you were offended, I understand it was not for everyone, if you were a 12 YO boy and your uncle snuck it out on the QT you would have thought it was funny...or maybe not.
DeleteHe never sees what I see on his seat. That is why HE cleans his own toilet. Yuck.
ReplyDeleteYeah, but if you just happen to trim a couple of rogue hairs from your bangs, over the sink, they have a fit because you're clogging the drain! Puh-lease! It's not like they're going to sit down in the sink on those three hair trimmings without knowing.
DeleteTMI. I now have the image burned into my brain. thanks a lot.
ReplyDeleteYou are a lot welcome! I'm an information-giver like that.
DeleteChange the batteries in the opener yourself, it can't be hard. Apples will certainly help, but pears are better and sultanas too. Does he like coleslaw? Another "sweeper of the pipes". The donuts certainly wouldn't be helping.
ReplyDeleteI have tried many times to open up that opener! I think it's mis-named. It's a non-opening opener! If only I could pry it open, I could see what kind of battery is inside.
DeleteHick likes SLAW, and there's always a pint of it in FRIG II, on the top shelf. I don't buy pears now that Genius is living on his own. He was our pear-eater. He must be sneaking donuts again. As if he ever stopped. Maybe I'll cook him up a big pot of beanie-weenies. And tell him to build his third outhouse.
My grandson would love this as every other word is poop....
ReplyDeleteIf it could make a child giggle, my mission is complete! I'm not exactly striving for a high-brow audience like Grey Poupon lovers in limousines.
DeleteWhen I write my book "So, You Think You Want To Own A Campground" much of the contents will be about poop and the many strange bathroom happenings. Oatmeal would be a good thing to start every day with, add raisins, prunes, etc., and drink lots of water. everything slows down as we age … everything.
ReplyDeleteI think you should work the word POOP into the title of your proposed campground book! Maybe as a subtitle.
DeleteI have instant oatmeal almost every night, as a side dish or dessert. I am partial to apple cinnamon, and peaches & cream. Too much sugar in it for Hick. I offer him a side salad, but he declines. Even turns down SLAW! Which also has sugar, but I can justify it more...